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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and new baby

87 replies

CharlieSon · 06/10/2019 10:49

I cannot bear my MIL, she is nothing short of an interfering good for nothing. Just has a baby a week ago and she is constantly wanting to bring her friends and family over to visit. Her and FIL have a nasty habit of turning up at my house unannounced baby or not anyway so I did expect this. I have no desire to see her friends or relatives and my parents certainly wouldn’t be imposing themselves on us. She also keeps asking us to show people the baby’s room upstairs (they paid for the furniture which I reluctantly accepted as I knew there would be a catch). My DH isn’t telling her where to go. AIBU and should relax more or am I right to tell her to leave us alone?

OP posts:

Likethebattle · 06/10/2019 10:55

I’d just not answer the door, keep it locked as you are busy trying to settle with your baby.

Beesh · 06/10/2019 10:56

You're right to tell her to leave you alone. She sounds like a nightmare. Actually she sounds like my MIL. I hate it when people impose themselves on others. I would always, always check if I could visit especially after a new baby. Tell her to fuck right off.

DriftingLeaves · 06/10/2019 10:58

Her relatives are also your DH's relatives - what does he think?

Teddybear45 · 06/10/2019 11:00

She’s an ‘interfering good for nothing’ yet you were fine accepting her money for the nursery furniture and you / your DH haven’t told her that you would rather keep to family only in the first weeks . Honestly I think you either need to tell them or chill out. As for your mum not ‘interfering’ - how does your DH feel about that? It’s often really easy to ignore our own mum’s meddling because we are used to or blind to it.

LagunaBubbles · 06/10/2019 11:01

It's hard to tell, I'm not saying she's not a nightmare but this is your DHs Mum. I wouldn't be impressed if my DH had told my Mum to leave us alone.

Original poster

CharlieSon · 06/10/2019 11:03

Teddybear I didn’t accept the furniture offer it was my DH who insisted we did.

DH tends to disappear up to his computer when people come round which is really irritating. I think I am going to stop answering the door, that’s a good suggestion.

OP posts:

Original poster

CharlieSon · 06/10/2019 11:05

Also my understanding of someone gifting something is not for bribery purposes, to have a hold on someone. I think my MIL is really unfair insisting we show people the nursery, it’s none of their business IMO!

OP posts:

HighNetGirth · 06/10/2019 11:06

Get your DH to send her a nursery photo to show her friends

Teddybear45 · 06/10/2019 11:06

No that’s not a good suggestion as then you will be at fault and everyone including your DH can blame you for being unreasonable instead of looking at their behaviour. Your DH needs to tell his mum not to bring friends over unannounced.

mclover · 06/10/2019 11:07

She's just excited by the new baby. You'll be a MIL one day! Set some rules with your DH and do it together, like maximum visit is 30 mins as you need privacy to get on with breastfeeding for example

mclover · 06/10/2019 11:08

Ps I'd nip that in the bud with your DH right now!!!! That's his chief job in the early days - looking after visitors, make them s cuppa, then kick them out. Sounds like a DH issue to me. I'd be furious with him!

Anonmummyoftwo · 06/10/2019 11:10

Next time she arrives open the door say its not a good time and close the door. Get locks changed if she has a key. Tell her outright not to arrive without checking first and not to bring guests and stop asking to show people around your house. Just say if you want to show off how much she spent show them a picture. Shes not worried about upsetting you so you should do the same

phoenixrosehere · 06/10/2019 11:10

DH tends to disappear up to his computer when people come round which is really irritating. I think I am going to stop answering the door, that’s a good suggestion.

He disappears when his own family comes around?

FriedasCarLoad · 06/10/2019 11:10

I think it’s fair enough that she’d want to see the nursery with the furniture she bought. If that had been my mother, she’d have wanted to see it - not out of entitlement, but excitement!

Maybe schedule in some times for her to visit? A couple of short visits a week doesn’t seem excessive for grandparents of a newborn.

Maybe consider offering to bring the baby to her house for a couple of hours in a few weeks time, for her friends to meet him/her?

And your DH should definitely stick around for visitors from his own family, unless he’s WFH, in which case maybe they could come during his lunch break.

Windydaysuponus · 06/10/2019 11:14

Quick flick of the fuse box - get him off the computer. He is worse than mil imo.
Schedule her in an invite once a week when dh is home. Do not open door /answer phone if she isn't due.
And now you know gifts come with strings you can be more on guard..

DingDongDenny · 06/10/2019 11:16

Frank Skinner said you should always answer the door in your coat. Then if it's someone you don't want to see you say 'Sorry, I'm just on my way out' and if it's someone you like you say 'Great timing I'm just back'

I'd do that and then say - 'You really need to let us know in advance' Every time

Original poster

CharlieSon · 06/10/2019 11:18

Windyday and Dingdong - spot on suggestions. Thank you!

OP posts:

Shessobrave · 06/10/2019 11:20

My Mum says "Oh how stupid! She's had her baby herself she should know bloody better!!"

Shessobrave · 06/10/2019 11:21

*a baby

savingshoes · 06/10/2019 11:22

Each time she arrives, go out with the baby. Leave DH to host his mum and friends.

phoenixrosehere · 06/10/2019 11:30

Love Saving’s idea.

Talk to your DH. Tell them he can host them if he insists on running off every time visitors including his own family pops by and you and the baby will be out.

Also, inform mil it isn’t a good time and that she should really call first before coming over (agree with the coat idea) and then close the door.

My dad is one of those who likes to pop in on people without calling and it frustrated me growing up. Husband’s family has a similar dynamic and him and I agreed that people needed to notify us when they were coming over. Funny enough as he has gotten older, he has found people popping by unannounced and the activity of it all exhausting when at his parents so is happy that we don’t allow the same at home.

sarahjconnor · 06/10/2019 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nanny0gg · 06/10/2019 11:36

I cannot bear my MIL, she is nothing short of an interfering good for nothing.

Well, she was good for her money...

And why wouldn't family want to see the baby? (When convenient)

I'd like to hear the backstory and her version because apart from over-excitement I'm not seeing the evilness yet.

CalmdownJanet · 06/10/2019 11:48

Does your dh go up to the computer when his family/their friends are there?

Chocolatelover45 · 06/10/2019 12:08

I have a rule that in laws can come as often as Dh wants, as long as he is in and spends time with them. I don't mind them but don't see why he should make me talk to them whilst he does something more fun.
Also I would restrict visits to once a week with prior notice (invite them for a specific day and say you are not up to visits sooner), no extra people (see the friends at the in laws house in a few weeks). Take a photo of the nursery and just say it's not tidy enough to go upstairs.
DH needs to deal with his own family - he can sit with them and baby whilst you rest upstairs.
You can say no to these people and you'll feel fantastic when you have regained control

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