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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and new baby

87 replies

CharlieSon · 06/10/2019 10:49

I cannot bear my MIL, she is nothing short of an interfering good for nothing. Just has a baby a week ago and she is constantly wanting to bring her friends and family over to visit. Her and FIL have a nasty habit of turning up at my house unannounced baby or not anyway so I did expect this. I have no desire to see her friends or relatives and my parents certainly wouldn’t be imposing themselves on us. She also keeps asking us to show people the baby’s room upstairs (they paid for the furniture which I reluctantly accepted as I knew there would be a catch). My DH isn’t telling her where to go. AIBU and should relax more or am I right to tell her to leave us alone?

OP posts:

Motoko · 06/10/2019 15:26

She's just excited by the new baby. You'll be a MIL one day!

There's always someone who trots out this old trope on these threads. Being excited about a grandchild, doesn't give you carte blanche to impose yourself, and your friends, on a new mum. The baby has only been here a few days, OP needs time to heal, bond with her baby, and establish feeding, as well as getting into a routine.

OP you need to speak to your husband. He's out of order for pissing off when visitors call, especially when they are his family. He needs to be the one entertaining them, and making cups of tea. He should also be acting as gatekeeper, and let his mother, and others, know she needs to ring or text to ask if it's convenient to come round (on her own!). Her friends are not welcome.

june2007 · 06/10/2019 15:28

Get her to help if they come use the opportunity to have a bath. Ask if they can help around the house ect.

HazelBite · 06/10/2019 15:29

Do her friends really want to see the baby and the nursery???
None of my friends have invited me to meet their grandchildren, whilst I'm interested to see their photos, I've never felt the urge to see the various babies.
Despite having 4 Dc's I have got to age 67 without having any GC's, I don't know if I would go particularly dotty if I had any, and insist I saw them frequently, but I know my DIL's would be perfectly within their rights to tell me to go home (and I would!)

Durgasarrow · 06/10/2019 15:29

The MIL bringing HER FRIENDS over to meet a one week old baby in your house and insisting on going upstairs is very invasive. Insist that all visitors have had the flu jab at a minimum. And as we say at Mumsnet, and please repeat after me you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem.

NearlyGranny · 06/10/2019 15:31

HighNetGirth's idea of you DH taking some nice pictures of the nursery and sharing them with MiL is brilliant! She can show whoever she likes and won't need to bring random people over.

She is so rude to bring uninvited guests into your house and upstairs! And DH cannot disappear and leave you to manage unexpected and uninvited guests with a tiny baby to care for, too! That apple didn't fall far from the tree, did it?

Next time they knock, hand baby to OH and tell him his mother's round again with more sightseers and you're going for a lie down, can he let you know when they've gone!

cuppycakey · 06/10/2019 15:38

Agree with PP - don't answer the door. And turn your phone off.

Are you BF? I would disappear with baby for an incredibly long feeding and leave DH to deal with her and her friends.

FindusCrispyPancakes · 06/10/2019 15:39

Either ignore the door or just tell her and her mates to get lost.

A friend of mine had the same issue, her mother in law rocked up with 2 friends at 9am about a week after she'd given birth, she was in her pjs and looked a mess (my friend is very house proud and is always well dressed, she was mortified). She didn't have to say anything it was pretty obvious that it wasn't an appropriate time to visit, the mil still invited herself though in with the friend's making excuses to leave. My friend ended up just being honest with the mil (not in front of the poor friend's who thought my friend was expecting them!). She just said no unannounced visits and no bringing randoms around, at anytime!

timshelthechoice · 06/10/2019 15:46

DH tends to disappear up to his computer when people come round which is really irritating.

What? Nope. You hand him the baby and say, 'Oh, look, your mother and mates are here. I'm off for a life down' and you leave. If he goes up, you go and get him, give him the baby and go lie down. 'You don't get to make me look like the bad guy by ditching me when your mother is here. You host them. Bye.'

Darkbendis · 06/10/2019 15:46

I can understand MIL is very excited about being a new Granny and wanting to see the baby (although how many times in one week and how many of them unannounced?) but bringing HER friends and family to show off the furniture and the baby without asking the parents who actually live there and may not be up for visitors? No, that's not on! It doesn't matter that she paid for the nursery furniture, this doesn't make her entitled to invite other people to a house that is not hers, to show off a ONE WEEK OLD baby without checking with the parents whether it is convenient to THEM to receive visitors.

Darkbendis · 06/10/2019 15:52

And yes, DH is NOT to disappear when HIS mum comes over with her company (friends and family). "No, no, my good man, she's your mum and they are her friends, you don't disappear and leave me alone to deal with them, actually why don't you spend some time with the little one and them now and I can have a lie-down/shower/bath now?"

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 06/10/2019 16:20

@Nanny0gg - are you the MIL? :P

She already saw the bedroom, now she wants to bring all her mates to show off, and that's not as cool anymore.
Also, yeah, it;s fine to drop by when convenient, but OP precised the MIL truns up annanounced with friends and family who are also unannounced. I would not like my baby to be passed around like some toy by strangers just so my MIL can show off in front of people I do not know. It's not a right to see someone's baby, and definitely not so soon after the birth when the fmaily needs some rest, instead of constant visits!

OP- I would give her her money back and say you cathegorically do not want any people around the house unless previously agreed with you. And do not open the door if they ring without agreeing anything. If they do and your DP lets them in, pack the child in the pram and walk off :)

WingingIt101 · 06/10/2019 16:27

In anticipation of a similar scenario my wonderful DH has just purchased and installed one of those doorbells with a camera so I can see who's outside before answering the door. Well I say in anticipation of similar, I think his thoughts were safety / not interrupting feeding etc to take in a neighbour's parcel but I am loving the idea of screening visitors haha! Maybe I'm just a miserable old hag though!!

On a serious note I agree with other posters - sit and discuss with your husband about the boundaries you want and need - I wouldn't make it about her I'd make general "gosh we've had lots of lovely visits to meet the baby but I'm finding it quite tiring and wondered what you thought about xyz (asking people to arrange rather than drop in / how best to make it clear that visits are only a certain length of time or a polite way to ask guests to leave / what to say if people ask for a tour when you don't want to/ him staying to help host) and then if or when you enforce it he will be ready to back you up if anyone complains.
I'd be wary about making it specifically about his mother as he will possibly feel a bit protective and being more general may prompt him to share his own worries and frsutrations that you weren't aware of.

Nanny0gg · 06/10/2019 16:32

@Nanny0gg - are you the MIL? :P

Nope. But whilst I agree it's unfair to impose on the OP when she's just had a baby, the whole tone of her post seemed to me that the MiL wouldn't be right if she only visited annually.

So I'm curious as to why she hates her so much.

I cannot bear my MIL, she is nothing short of an interfering good for nothing. is pretty extreme unless you know the backstory

HubeusRagrid · 06/10/2019 16:44

Oh for goodness sake!!! How can people think it's acceptable for MIL to turn up unannounced to visit a new mum who has had a baby a week ago. Also bringing people with her and insisting they be allowed upstairs!! Absolutely bang out of order. I don't care how excited someone is, that's not on. You should always wait to be invited to visit people with a newborn! It's for them to decide when they're up for it. Also be prepared for plans to be cancelled short notice if mum and baby have had a bad night, just tired, struggling to feed or whatever.

Definitely just don't answer the door OP and pretend you're all sleeping. OH should be having a word but I guess he's not going to.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 06/10/2019 16:46

@Thatagain

It's a difficult one this.
My Dil is about to give birth to my GS I already feel pushed out. I think your Mil will do whatever it takes to make a bond with her grandchildren and you have had her grandchild so I would just set times when she can see baby. I would also tell her not to bring friends. IF SHE CARES SHE WILL UNDERSTAND

Firstly, your DiL is about to give birth TO HER SON.

Secondly, new babies do not need to 'bond' with their grandparents, but with their MOTHERS.

If your attitude is that your DiL is merely a vessel carrying your grandchild, I'm not surprised you're being pushed out

Breathlessness · 06/10/2019 16:48

Your DH needs to step up. With a week old baby you don’t need her turning up uninvited with others in tow and you definitely don’t need to be giving tours of the nursery.

If he keeps hiding on the computer you’re going to have to deal with it. Pick a day and time that suits you, invite her to come over and see the baby then and if she turns up before then say you are just going up for a nap.

Totalwasteofpaper · 06/10/2019 16:49

Lots of good advice on here.

I was 😱 at your husband disappearing when his parents come over

I would be going and standing in the computer room until your no good husband came back out to join you and his parents in the main living areas.

Motoko · 06/10/2019 16:59

I cannot bear my MIL, she is nothing short of an interfering good for nothing. is pretty extreme unless you know the backstory

Well, obviously there is a backstory, and rather than take against the OP, I realise that, and reply accordingly. The first post would be unnecessarily even longer if OP had to explain why she has this view.

In the situation OP describes, the MIL is absolutely being unreasonable, regardless of the backstory.

Thatagain · 06/10/2019 17:01

Wow. I am a female to not a vessel. you sound angry!. Yes children do need to bond with their parents that's a fact. Also it is my DIL son and ALSO MY SON'S SON OH AND MY GRANDSON. I feel pushed out due to the fact that I do not get on with her perents. Nothing personal.

NaviSprite · 06/10/2019 17:05

It’s difficult in those early weeks especially with very over enthusiastic Grandparents involved!

I agree with a few other PP:

Get your DH to send her a photo of the Nursery so she can’t use that as an excuse to bring random people over to ‘show off’.

Have a serious conversation with your DH that he needs to engage with HIS mother and set boundaries. If he sees no issue with her random visits, he can be the one to entertain the guests.

Even on occasions where MIL is invited, your DH must be present.

She is obviously enamoured with your DC which is lovely, but that does not give her the right to have free access to your home or your DC. Your DH needs to step up and speak to his Mum!

flyingspaghettimonster · 06/10/2019 17:06

Take photos of the baby and nursery and give to MIL to show her friends. Take your doorbell batteries out or unhook from electric and put a "do not knock, baby is sleeping" type message on front door.

NearlyGranny · 06/10/2019 17:19

If it's OK for sightseeing groups to troop upstairs to see the nursery, I suggest it's fine for them then to be led into the room where DH is playing with his computer, introduced to him and left there for him to deal with.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 06/10/2019 17:25

Shut the curtains,lock the door and say you were napping

MarianaMoatedGrange · 06/10/2019 17:35

@NearlyGranny

Yes let the visitors into the room where DH is and shut the door!

Grainedmonkey · 06/10/2019 17:37

I would like to think that the non door answering strategy will work, but presumably DH is on paternity leave, and also at the weekends as he is at home he will let MIL & co. in. So DH needs to be dealt with asap.

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