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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Following all my posts, pls someone tell me im not mad

86 replies

Nonmotherof3 · 06/10/2019 00:50

Husbands 3 kids live with us full time because of their mothers drug addiction and subsequent behaviour patterns.

Its so bad that she is only allowed to see them under the supervision of a social worker for 2 hours a month.

She still denies a drug problem, has had 2 court ordered drugs test that have come back positive for heroin, crack, cocaine, and everything else.

She had an affair when she was pregnant with youngest (4 years) and started heavy drug use. Her and OH dabbled with cocaine before eldest was born (10) but not after. He definately does not touch a thing now.

So the choice to take heavy drugs was made after she had had 3 beautiful kids. Im not sure why you would. This is my primary "WTF".

I love them, i am not their mother but i am their parent. They are my world.

I just feel like i am going mad. I dont understand their mum. Her addiction. Why she won't get help. Why her perfectly normal and educated parents dont put her in rehab. Why they beleive her when she lies. Why she lies to her kids. Why she puts her lifestyle ahead of them. Why she would chose a crack den over being close to her kids. Why she allowed herself to go down the path at the detriment of her children. Why she allowed them to be exposed tp violence, drug taking, criminal behaviour. Why why why. I dont get it.

Worse of all i feel guilty for raising her kids. Awful. I feel like its her job and in a weird way ive taken it from her and because they are happy and safe and secure i feel guilty that we have provided that and she didnt.

Everyone says the kids are happy, im doing a good job at stepping in. I just feel like i want her to get better and be a mum to them. That they are going to somehow hate me for acting like their mum when im not.

Sorry just unsure of how else to put it all. Noone really gets it and Google is no help. Seems a pretty ungoogleable thing "guilt felt for making children happy when their mother didnt"

Waaaaahhhhh

OP posts:
DeathStare · 06/10/2019 00:51

Because she's an addict

And you can't put someone in rehab. They have to want to go

Original poster
Nonmotherof3 · 06/10/2019 07:40

But her kids? That over them?

OP posts:
spoonyJoe · 06/10/2019 07:46

Yes, over them. She’s addicted to drugs. She’s not choosing between her children and drugs every time like deciding which brand of pesto to buy.

I’ve never been addicted to anything but I don’t find it hard to understand.

sirmione16 · 06/10/2019 07:47

You should be able to find support groups for relatives of addicts or abusers near you, they do exist. And you shouldn't feel weird going to one - you're going to get a better understanding of what drives her to do it, a better understanding of how to talk to the children about it and a better idea of how to handle any issues that may occur. Plus be able to chat to others who feel the same as you. Search for Adfam, or Drugfam, or project know. Good luck

sirmione16 · 06/10/2019 07:53

Also, as a daughter of an alcoholic - I resented my stepfather a lot because I didn't comprehend my relationship with my manipulative father and it got very bad in my teenage years, so be prepared for that even though you have a great relationship now. As an adult, he is my parent and he is my child's grandfather. But just thought I'd mention that we had issues as I tried to figure it all out through the teenage hormones. He luckily forgave and stood by me a lot. You'd find support groups good for if that stage ever happens, too.

In terms of' how can she do it? 'Remember addiction eventually becomes physiological. It's part of how the brain is structured, therefore practically uncontrollable. Someone told me It's like resisting eating when youve been physically starving for 3 days and someone puts a plate of food in front of you.

MaudebeGonne · 06/10/2019 08:01

Because she is an addict. Because she hasn’t hit her rock bottom, and she might never hit it. She knows her kids are loved and safe, but even if her kids were home alone, or in care, or in an otherwise dangerous situation, her addiction would still override it.

I have a theory that one of the barriers to overcoming an addiction is the addict having to face up to all the lies they have told and the pain they have caused and taking responsibility for that. It must be easier to stay in active addiction (and staying in addiction is a lot of work) than deal with the consequences of it. It is very sad.

It is good that you are able to love and raise her children, but you don’t need to understand her to do that. When her children get to the stage that they are asking questions, it is absolutely fine for you to say you don’t know why she has made the choices she has. And you might not be their mother, but you are their Mum, and they will end up being angry with you for something at some point, because you are a safe place for them to vent, and it is a fairly normal phase.

ooooohbetty · 06/10/2019 08:02

OP I understand how addiction works but I also agree with you. I don't understand how someone makes the choice not to put drugs before their children. By this I mean choosing not to go to rehab and trying to stop.

RightYesButNo · 06/10/2019 08:03

@Nonmotherof3 - you’re coming at this from the point of view of loving the children and being completely centered in them, and that’s very commendable.

But there’s a reason that several countries now treat drug addiction like a public health problem. Because it literally is shutting off the chemicals in your brain so that you don’t experience happiness from anything but the drugs. She’s not choosing drugs over her children because she’s not making logical choices. She is an addict. People make choices every day that are not in their best interests (eating extra cake, smoking, cheating on their spouses) because those choices release chemicals in their brains. And we know from studies that heroin one of the most addictive of them all, in terms that once you feel the rush of what it does to you, you would do anything to feel it again.

Pity her that she’s missing her children’s whole lives, and that she may die young herself constantly chasing a high that she needs more and more drugs to reach. It’s hard not to feel anger when she hurts the children in the process, I’m sure, but your anger on their behalf will unfortunately not help the situation at all.

It sounds like you’re doing the absolute best job you can to be there for them in her absence, and that’s all you can do.

Also, as a side note, rehab does not work unless the person decides for themselves that they are done with drugs. It must be voluntary, and even then, the odds of succeeding the first time are not high. According to a 2014 study, 40 to 60 percent of addicts relapse within one year. It is a harrowing road, not an instant solution that would turn her into a good and responsible mother. I’m sorry, OP.

DeathStare · 06/10/2019 08:06

But her kids? That over them?

That's a bit like asking why someone chooses their mental health problem over their children. Or their chronic illness over their children.

FloatingObject · 06/10/2019 08:08

She's an addict. It's not difficult to understand. Haven't you ever compulsively engaged in something you knew wasn't ideal? Ever overeat or binge knowing it's not good for you? Never had a depressed phase when you spent too much time and money on shopping just for the distraction and endorphin and adrenaline kick? Scale that up by a thousand. It's not a difficult concept.

I think you understand this and part of you is subconsciously trying to depreciate her to justify you taking on her kids. But you dont need to. You're doing a great job. So just get on with it and dont waste more time thinking about her.

Karwomannghia · 06/10/2019 08:12

The drugs are irresistible basically. And her perception of her life is skewed around them. She either feels amazing or horrible. If she ever has lucid moments she probably feels the kids are better off without her.

saltysally · 06/10/2019 08:14

She isn't the first and won't be the last addict to lose everything for their drug of choice. It's not something you can probably understand if you aren't an addict.

In the meantime yes the kids are lucky to have you and a stable home. Do the kids get counselling because I'm sure a lot is going through their minds?

Mintypea5 · 06/10/2019 08:17

I'm the daughter of a drug addict and alcoholic they always choose the drugs and drinks over everyone no matter what. Wife's/ Husbands, children, friends and family don't matter at the end of the day all that matters to them is the next hit.

They can be charming and manipulative. They do what they need to do to get their next fix. Rehab only works when they're 10000% ready to get help and admit there is a problem

When I was about 14/15 i realised my dad did cared about me just saw my relationship with him as a way to get a fix.

madcatladyforever · 06/10/2019 08:18

Addiction is just so complicated, prisons are full of addicts desperate to have a proper life and get off drugs yet they just get back out there and do it, normally start because of deep rooted mental pain they want to be free from then just spirals from there.

longtimelurkerhelen · 06/10/2019 08:22

I see the word choice and choose a lot here. My understanding is they do not have a choice. It is not something they are capable of doing.

Silvercatowner · 06/10/2019 08:25

It's not difficult to understand.

Typical bloody Mumsnet snippyness. Fucksake the OP is struggling to understand (understandably) so by definition it IS difficult to understand for some people who may be too cloase to the situation to gain perspective.

MitziK · 06/10/2019 08:25

I had Ketamine and Morphine aged 17 for a small surgical procedure on my wrist. When I came out of theatre, having had the perfect doses calculated for me, my body weight and the appropriate levels of antiemetics, I understood instantly why people want to take them.

I felt amazing. Happy, joyful, floating in a gently rocking cradle. I felt completely safe, warm and secure (which considering my childhood, was probably for the first time in my life).

However, that made me realise that I wouldn't ever seek out the same things illegally, as I had been given The Best. Nothing would ever compare to those few minutes before the drugs began to wear off and the pain kicked in.

I believe addicts are chasing that elusive feeling and never quite get it, and then over time, they end up chasing the feeling of being well/barely functioning/not feeling like shit. And to chase that feeling, they lose the parts of them that could make it possible to care fully for their children - as it is, she knows they are safe, she knows they are loved and that is enough for her. That has to be enough for her. In moments of lucidity, she might feel real pain and sorrow that you are able to provide the security, safety and love that she can't - but that'll be another reason to chase that moment of bliss, to take away the pain. Or she is unable to think beyond her need for the drugs, physical and emotional, and there is simply no space in her for caring.

Whatever is the case, it's sad for the children - but they have the most amazing mother with them. You, even if you don't use the job title. You.

museumum · 06/10/2019 08:29

I really would advise that you seek out support groups for family of addicts. Even if just to prepare you for a future when the children get angry about the situation.

Karwomannghia · 06/10/2019 08:29

Yes I’d agree that taking drugs is taking away pain. And that it’s never as good as the first time.

Original poster
Nonmotherof3 · 06/10/2019 08:30

Its just awful. The kids are very secure and have a very different life. They were living 5 hrs away with thier mum and 2,6 and 8 when they arrived amd we have worked hard to make them feel secure. Lots of support and advice given.

I just live in a constant guilty state. I also know that one day they are going to ask more questions than me about it and they are all really little and wont undertand why.

Thank you all so much for your replies x

OP posts:
OhBigHairyBollocks · 06/10/2019 08:30

Addiction isnt a choice OP.
But it is incredibly hard when you/the kids are affected personally by it.
Just be there for the kids. Don't judge her (vocally), you're doing a great job. X

Daz1978 · 06/10/2019 08:31

This seems an easy one.
The kids are happy. You are part of that amazing. If the mum can't see it would be better to spend time with her children they are better of without her and instead have the positive input from you and your partner.

Karwomannghia · 06/10/2019 08:33

Would you feel guilty fostering children whose parents couldn’t look after them? You’re doing an amazing job, you didn’t take them away from her. you should feel proud.

MollyButton · 06/10/2019 08:36

Please do reach out and get support for yourself. Maybe reach out to parents who have adopted or fostered children from similar backgrounds.

You shouldn't feel guilty - she has made a "choice", although to what extent she could really choose is debatable. You are doing a great thing in providing for those children. But longer term they will ask questions and have issues - get yourself some support now for when they do.

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