Following all my posts, pls someone tell me im not mad

[Nonmotherof3]

Husbands 3 kids live with us full time because of their mothers drug addiction and subsequent behaviour patterns.

Its so bad that she is only allowed to see them under the supervision of a social worker for 2 hours a month.

She still denies a drug problem, has had 2 court ordered drugs test that have come back positive for heroin, crack, cocaine, and everything else.

She had an affair when she was pregnant with youngest (4 years) and started heavy drug use. Her and OH dabbled with cocaine before eldest was born (10) but not after. He definately does not touch a thing now.

So the choice to take heavy drugs was made after she had had 3 beautiful kids. Im not sure why you would. This is my primary "WTF".

I love them, i am not their mother but i am their parent. They are my world.

I just feel like i am going mad. I dont understand their mum. Her addiction. Why she won't get help. Why her perfectly normal and educated parents dont put her in rehab. Why they beleive her when she lies. Why she lies to her kids. Why she puts her lifestyle ahead of them. Why she would chose a crack den over being close to her kids. Why she allowed herself to go down the path at the detriment of her children. Why she allowed them to be exposed tp violence, drug taking, criminal behaviour. Why why why. I dont get it.

Worse of all i feel guilty for raising her kids. Awful. I feel like its her job and in a weird way ive taken it from her and because they are happy and safe and secure i feel guilty that we have provided that and she didnt.

Everyone says the kids are happy, im doing a good job at stepping in. I just feel like i want her to get better and be a mum to them. That they are going to somehow hate me for acting like their mum when im not.

Sorry just unsure of how else to put it all. Noone really gets it and Google is no help. Seems a pretty ungoogleable thing "guilt felt for making children happy when their mother didnt"

Waaaaahhhhh

You are a good woman and are doing a wonderful job by the sounds of it. It’s ok to feel guilt. Keep talking about their mum. Expect some difficult times during the teenage years.

She's an addict. Addiction is an illness. You answer that yourself in your post - she and your OH both dabbled with drugs, but he was able to stop as soon as he felt it became inappropriate ie when his children were born. She wasn't able to stop and it's gotten worse and worse - therein lies the illness that is addiction. No one understands it, but it is absolutely an illness. That's the reason some people can have a bottle of wine on the weekend, and leave it there, but for some that turns into a bottle of wine every day, vodka in the morning, needing alcohol just to function. Same goes for recreational drug use.

I agree with previous posters that joining a support group for family of addicts may help you.

Also, how about reading an autobiography of an addict or ex addict? Most of them describe "rock bottom" moments when they reached for the bottle or needle even when they knew it would mean losing their kids or could be fatal. Something like 'Coming Clean: Diary of a Painkiller Addict'.

I'm a recovering alcoholic of many years so I do understand the placing a substance over everything and everyone else. I was a sole parent with a DD and although she forgives me, I will never forgive myself. I didn't go to rehab, didn't lose her, technically was functioning and found AA. I have a good friend whose DD was fostered and subsequently adopted because of her drug use. My friend has been clean and sober for years, has a relationship with and adores her DD, whom she sees six times a year. My friend recognised that it was the correct action to take because at that time she wasn't capable of looking after her daughter, and has explained that to her. This doesn't have to end badly or with resentment from any side.

I understand precisely how you must feel but in the iron grip of addiction, the battle is over and there is honestly no choice. You get to a point where you can't live with it and yet can't live without it - that's what I think of as rock bottom. Try not to feel guilty because you're obviously doing a wonderful job.

I think your feelings sound like survivors guilt. Might be worth reading around that to see if there's anything helpful in it.

The addict brain is much stronger than the logical brain. It's sad. I would just feel sad for her and carry on doing the amazing job you are doing.

There are ways the children can be told about it so they don't have too many 'questions' as such as they get older. Their Mum is sick and needs help, she is an addict. It doesn't mean she isn't an arsehole too possibly but I promise you addicts don't want to be addicts. Also they are not who they once were, the drugs change their brains and how they think, it eats away at their entire being - she will never be their 'mum' again. Only look slightly like her on the outside.

I would find my local al-anon meeting or alternative support group for families, maybe get some counselling and read about addiction. It might help to see her as somebody who is very sick. If she was unable to look after her kids because of schizophrenia or MS would you still feel guilty? She is not making a regular conscious decision to chose drugs over her kids, she is not thinking clearly and logically at all. I know it's difficult to change how you think about the "why" but really the "why" is not as important as what is going on now. You are doing a wonderful thing for those kids and your partner, and hopefully she will find a way out of addiction eventually, but she needs to find it. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink, so putting her in rehab would be very unlikely to help anybody.

Ive often thought about the fostering thing. I think (weirdly) because there's a process and a degree of separation i could understand it more. Maybe its all to close to home.

That said i could foster or adopt i think. I have never loved anything like i do the kids, and they are not mine...so cant comprehend why she would try heroin after she had them.

My understanding of heroin addiction is basically Trainspotting. I am aware this is not a documantary....but i also know that most people know trying heroin or crack is never goung to end well, so constantly question why she did.

I had a family member who lost everything due to addiction, his children, his job, his home and eventually his life. His addiction came top of the list of important things in his life, and eclipsed everything else. Some addicts never reach this somewhat mythical 'rock bottom' the people talk about, as if it's some sort of inevitable holy grail and a state that all addicts will eventually reach. But, having said that, you can't help and addict unless they want help. Also, addicts will often pay lip service to getting help, simply to appease family members who are concerned about their lifestyle.
A lot of addicts also see death as the most preferable way out of their addiction, because then, at least, you haven't got to go through the agony of withdrawal.

Also I would read up on addiction and try to really understand it from as many perspectives as I could. Your and DPs explanation to the children about their mum is really important. I think it would be better for them if they can understand and forgive rather than be angry and the way you feel will influence this. Sorry if that sounds a lot on you shoulders. You have every right to feel the way you do. I just think in the long run it will also be better for you to feel understanding and forgiveness. Carrying anger is like holding onto hot coals (i.e. it hurts you rather than anyone else).

Do get support for yourself, because you deserve it but also so that you can talk to the children when they ask.
@MitziK that’s a very humbling insight, thank you. I’ve heard that heroin is never as good as the first time, which is poetically tragic.
One analogy about addiction which might help is that she’s not so much ‘choosing’ to take drugs as fulfilling a biological need. How long can you hold your breath or go without water? She’s wired so she needs to change the way she feels the way we need to breath and eat.

She is an addict. She doesn't choose drugs over her children, she is addicted to drugs. It's difficult for people who don't have addictions to understand.

It's good that she sees her children, albeit under supervision. I expect she is fine when she does see them. Who knows, things might change in time but you can only deal with the here and now.

It's also good that the children have you and your husband, op. They have stability but need to know their mother.

Addicts always put themselves first. Not always consciously. They're ill.
You are doing a fantastic job on those DC,

also know that most people know trying heroin or crack is never goung to end well, so constantly question why she did.
I know.

However, I don't expect she got much time to deliberate over the pros and cons beforehand. I suspect that people are persuaded to try addictive class As after a smalltime dealer has got them a bit pissed first.

Regarding why she took drugs after having children, sometimes people try to self medicate a mental illness. That could be bipolar / depression / PND / anxiety / schizophrenia or anything else. She might also have been taking more and different drugs than your OH was aware of before the children, but successfully hiding it. Until and unless she gets help, she may not know herself why she started, so unfortunately you probably won't ever find out. Would it make sense to you anyway? I'm going to guess probably not, because you love the children so much and aren't in that situation. Given that you're unlikely you ever know, it makes sense for you to just try make your peace with that now. It's ok to tell the children that you don't know why she's like that and you're sorry for them and for her that she's missed so much of their childhoods. It's good that you can give the children a stable home and lots of love, keep doing that.

You’re googling the wrong thing

You need to google “understanding addiction”

and really read and take the time to get to grips with it.

Their mother is an addict and if you really want to help and support - then understanding what their mother is has and being able to explain to them - is something you can do that will really help them

To a non-addict addiction is unfathomable. If it were as easy as ‘just stopping’ it wouldn’t be an addiction. She is an adult - her parents can’t control her and make her do anything, if she isn’t stopping for her children why would she stop for them?And going to rehab isn’t a miracle cure. Many, many people go to rehab, get clean of their particular habit and are straight back on it the day they leave.

You need to accept what you cannot change OP. It is a tragedy for those children that their mum is not able or willing to be the mum they need. There will be no easy way of telling them that but given that they have had the experience of living with her they are probably already a lot more aware of her problems than you realise.

Thank god for those DC that you and their dad were able to rescue them from their toxic life with her. They are very lucky to have you.

Have you your own DC?
Do you plan to have your own DC?
Where is your DP in all this?
What is his opinion of his XW, her addiction, how his DC are raised and your role in this?

I just live in a constant guilty state

Please put your armour on for this op as it may provoke strong feelings - if it does then there is work to be for you.

Did you feel guilty about things before you became the main carer for the children OP? Is guilt a feeling you are familiar with and might it stem from something else - perhaps from your past? What was your childhood/your mother like? Did you always need to be the good girl?

Guilt is usually a complex mix of joy and fear - instead of concentrating on the why of other peoples choices perhaps concentrate on the why of yours?

Constant analysis of other people just takes the focus away from ourselves and what we need to work on. There is a choice in that.

work to be *done for you.

I'm addicted to smoking. I'm pregnant and I haven't managed to give up. With my first I gave up for a period, had the odd slip up, but better than this - then started smoking again after she was born. How is it possible that knowing I could harm my babies and loving them as I do, I don't stop? I don't know. I really don't know. Pre-kids I thought it would be the motivation I needed to stop but somehow it isn't as easy as I thought.

I say this because I've heard that nicotine is as addictive as heroin and because I know I'm not alone - although fewer people than ever smoke there are still many many parents who do and not because they don't love their kids. I suppose we reassure ourselves that it could be worse because we do xyz to make up for it - we HAVE to lie to ourselves until we're able to give up. Whenever that magic moment is. I pray it's coming soon for me.

That's a bit like asking why someone chooses their mental health problem over their children. Or their chronic illness over their children.

Totally agree with this

I watched something about PND and apparently there are quite a few people who respond to PND by using drugs/drinking/reckless behaviour and pregnancy itself can be a trigger for existing bipolar that hasn't presented as of yet due to the hormone surges. There was this series of programmes about PND some times ago.

The other thing is say is that my husband has an Aunt who was in the throes of addiction most of her adult children's younglives and they were in care. Now she has escaped that and she's a decent mother and grandmother.

@Tothappy

Apparently smoking cessation products are less effective on women and pregnancy is a bit of a marmite time for behaviour change if you look at research.

Look and see if there are any 'kinship carer' groups near you - these tend to cater for grandparents bringing up grandchildren, but the advice still applies. According to this site 67% are looking after children because of drug and alcohol problems in the parent(s) mentoruk.org.uk/information-and-advice/kinship-carers/

They might have peer support networks or advice that could help