Following all my posts, pls someone tell me im not mad

[Nonmotherof3]

Husbands 3 kids live with us full time because of their mothers drug addiction and subsequent behaviour patterns.

Its so bad that she is only allowed to see them under the supervision of a social worker for 2 hours a month.

She still denies a drug problem, has had 2 court ordered drugs test that have come back positive for heroin, crack, cocaine, and everything else.

She had an affair when she was pregnant with youngest (4 years) and started heavy drug use. Her and OH dabbled with cocaine before eldest was born (10) but not after. He definately does not touch a thing now.

So the choice to take heavy drugs was made after she had had 3 beautiful kids. Im not sure why you would. This is my primary "WTF".

I love them, i am not their mother but i am their parent. They are my world.

I just feel like i am going mad. I dont understand their mum. Her addiction. Why she won't get help. Why her perfectly normal and educated parents dont put her in rehab. Why they beleive her when she lies. Why she lies to her kids. Why she puts her lifestyle ahead of them. Why she would chose a crack den over being close to her kids. Why she allowed herself to go down the path at the detriment of her children. Why she allowed them to be exposed tp violence, drug taking, criminal behaviour. Why why why. I dont get it.

Worse of all i feel guilty for raising her kids. Awful. I feel like its her job and in a weird way ive taken it from her and because they are happy and safe and secure i feel guilty that we have provided that and she didnt.

Everyone says the kids are happy, im doing a good job at stepping in. I just feel like i want her to get better and be a mum to them. That they are going to somehow hate me for acting like their mum when im not.

Sorry just unsure of how else to put it all. Noone really gets it and Google is no help. Seems a pretty ungoogleable thing "guilt felt for making children happy when their mother didnt"

Waaaaahhhhh

Social services should have done a piece of work with the children to help them understand why they couldn't live with their mum anymore. I would be asking them what work has been done as part of the proceedings?

Nope they didnt. Have had alot of help from contact centre social worker and school have been amazing. They very much underatand.

OP saying that it was in fact the mother that fled with the children to somewhere 5hrs drive away is not consistent with what you said this morning at 10:32 -

“OH feels incredibly guilty as he moved down here for work but was commuting 3 days a week to see them.”

Sorry I don’t understand this?

Omg

Entire family lived 5 hrs from here

OH moved here for work WITH FAMILY

OH broke up with ex

EX moved 5 hrs away. OH remained and commuted half the week. He feels guilty for remaining here with the chaos there.

Sorry this post was actually written because i have trouple understanding addiction so didnt provide a timeline, although probably should have been clearer.

Thanks for explaining - I was confused !

You are making quite a huge judgement that addicts are in position to make a level headed choice as you would . They are far from able to make a rationale choice of "child v drug" for god's sake but are locked to tightly in the grip of addiction that nothing penetrates.

My sister is an addict. I fully understand addiction, I get that there comes a point when choosing to take drugs goes out the window and it becomes a need. But I cannot forgive my sister, ill or not. I have kinship of her 3 boys, I have done for 4 years and not once has she made any attempt to get clean. I don't think she ever will. Those boys will be ours forever now (and I wouldn't have it any other way, I love them more than she ever has) and the psychological damage she has caused them is almost irreparable. The eldest and middle are both in therapy, the youngest is lucky enough to not remember much about his mum (he had only just turned 2 when I got kinship). I will never forgive her for the pain those boys feel. She regular misses contact meetings with them. She doesn't give a shit, basically.

You and your husband have my sympathies OP, it only gets harder as the kids grow up.

OP - if you lived in my area I could understand SS getting out of your lives ASAP, BUT that is not right. Those children are going to need help - if you go onto the Adoption board or just talk to adoptive or foster parents you will hear the stories of not getting the support that they need.
You do need to ask/demand help - even if it is just a referral to the right charity. Also sometimes a referral from SS to CAHMS can work when a GP one won't.

Yes that's what I was trying to say. And that's why I can't understand on an emotional level - it's too alien for me. But for others that's the ultimate reward.

@Nonmotherof3 - the vast majority of people with addictions have them due to untreated/uncontrolled mental health challenges. People use substances to ‘cope’ with depression, anxiety, personality disorders, trauma (day rape or assaults etc), bipolar disorder etc. There’s often little
choice by the time they get to the stage this lady is at. It’s very sad but also due to link with mental health hard to turn around.

say not day