Following all my posts, pls someone tell me im not mad

[Nonmotherof3]

Husbands 3 kids live with us full time because of their mothers drug addiction and subsequent behaviour patterns.

Its so bad that she is only allowed to see them under the supervision of a social worker for 2 hours a month.

She still denies a drug problem, has had 2 court ordered drugs test that have come back positive for heroin, crack, cocaine, and everything else.

She had an affair when she was pregnant with youngest (4 years) and started heavy drug use. Her and OH dabbled with cocaine before eldest was born (10) but not after. He definately does not touch a thing now.

So the choice to take heavy drugs was made after she had had 3 beautiful kids. Im not sure why you would. This is my primary "WTF".

I love them, i am not their mother but i am their parent. They are my world.

I just feel like i am going mad. I dont understand their mum. Her addiction. Why she won't get help. Why her perfectly normal and educated parents dont put her in rehab. Why they beleive her when she lies. Why she lies to her kids. Why she puts her lifestyle ahead of them. Why she would chose a crack den over being close to her kids. Why she allowed herself to go down the path at the detriment of her children. Why she allowed them to be exposed tp violence, drug taking, criminal behaviour. Why why why. I dont get it.

Worse of all i feel guilty for raising her kids. Awful. I feel like its her job and in a weird way ive taken it from her and because they are happy and safe and secure i feel guilty that we have provided that and she didnt.

Everyone says the kids are happy, im doing a good job at stepping in. I just feel like i want her to get better and be a mum to them. That they are going to somehow hate me for acting like their mum when im not.

Sorry just unsure of how else to put it all. Noone really gets it and Google is no help. Seems a pretty ungoogleable thing "guilt felt for making children happy when their mother didnt"

Waaaaahhhhh

You're doing an amazing thing OP. I think some people who are vehemently anti drugs and have never been drawn to substances will never understand what drives an addict's initial choices. I know others on here will beg to differ but I don't think anyone who turns to drugs (even those who take recreationally) is a happy person in the first place. Therefore I nearly always have empathy and sympathy for addicts. It's aterrible way to live and I understand why families cut them off as they're left with the shit while it appears the addict gets to shirk all responsibility. Once they are addicted, it's not a choice anymore.

If you genuinely want to help support the children and their relationship with their mum, I strongly recommend you join a support group for families of addicts.
It will help your understanding of the situation in a far more realistic way rather than whatever you’re assuming based on a fiction and give you the tools you need to properly support the children.

You’re not a better mum than her because you’re not an addict, you’re a lucky mum because you’re not suffering from this horrible disease!

I suggest you have no understanding of addiction and what it does. It takes over everything, nothing matters but the addition and if you have never suffered it can be difficult to understand. You have to want to be helped, want to come off the stuff you are addicted to and until that point is realised nothing will happen

You can’t blame her parents here, they are probable feeling devastated and helpless as well

There are organisations similar to NA but for families. Can I suggest you join

No. OH and i had been together 6 months known each other for two. I had no clue what was going on until about 3 weeks before they arrived, and 5 hrs notice of their arrival.

Birth mum took them out on a sunday got off her face and didnt wake up till 8pm. You couldnt write it.

Its something we got through very much together, continue to do so, and neither of us have ever doubted or questioned.

OH feels incredibly guilty as he moved down here for work but was commuting 3 days a week to see them. He simply did not realise the gravity of the situation until the OD day. Birth mother completely i denial (this was also noted on the cafcass report)

He is a good dad and a great husband. He does the majority of the parenting (i write the lists and go to work!) And is very supportive. Cant fault him really. I mean he is a pain in the arse but 🤣🤣

Sorry 2 years. We had known eaxh other for 2 years 😊

I had no clue what was going on until about 3 weeks before they arrived, and 5 hrs notice of their arrival.

Wow.

This sounds v disingenuous of your DP.

I find it "interesting" how many people on here say that addiction is easy to understand. I work in the addiction field and, together with my colleagues, we all have post-grad qualifications in addiction behaviour - and we struggle to understand it.
There's a big difference between intellectually understanding how addiction occurs and (to a lesser extent) why and emotionally understanding how someone can get to that situation.
I think @mitzi5 explained it very well. She never felt better than that first experience of a drug. My experience is the opposite. Given morphine after surgery, I hated it because I hate feeling out of control. I would choose pain over morphine most of the time (I'd say all the time but obviously that might not be true).
I think the OP is struggling to understand the emotional aspects of this and I can totally understand where you're coming from. I would also think finding a family support group is a good idea.
(And I can totally believe your husband had no idea how bad things were until the last minute. I've seen that so many times. People very often appear to be coping all the way through to crisis point occurring).

Not really. I knew he had kids. I knew he drove 5 hrs to see them. I didn't know how bad it was because why would i?

It looks like you are shouldering the “mental load” and the “emotional load” of your household. (Google those terms).

Where is your DH in all of this? Why isn’t he writing the lists (mental load) to care for his own children - why are you doing this? Is he inept or irresponsible?

What is his take on your emotional concerns of his xW and his DCs?

Where is he in all of this? What sacrifices have YOU made in all of this? Sounds like it’s your home? You are the breadwinner?

Do you want to have your own DCs with this man?

I didn't know how bad it was because why would i?

Because he chose not to tell you.
Lying by omission.
He must have known things were bad but chose to live 5hr drive away from his v young vulnerable children and focus on a relationship with you instead.

by definition it IS difficult to understand for some people who may be too cloase to the situation to gain perspective.

Not really. It seems less that is is difficult to understand and more that it is easier to judge and feel superior. I’ve never known a drug addict, never been a drug addict, I’ve never even taken drugs, but I’ve learned enough about addiction to know it is never about choice. The fact the mother has effectively lost her children over it is surely the greatest example of that. Or are we expected to judge her as a selfish woman who just refuses to put her children first?

Yes, yes OP, you’ve done a wonderful thing raising her children and I’m sure the “guilt” is assuaged by everyone telling you how amazing they are. But lay off their mum. She is an addict. If you want to understand her, try doing some research in to what addiction really is.

Is this a permanent arrangement? Have SS been involved? It is not your job to find the answers to the children's questions who have probably witnessed and dealt with lots of trauma/attachment issues (and will continue to deal with).

Agree that you should seek support for yourself and DP from al-anon who will have resources for kids etc.

Also you should ask SS to set up a family network meeting and you can ask "how are we all going to tell the story of what has happened". This should ideally be done by DP and birth mother with the social worker. They can come up with a picture story that is the TRUTH ...but does not blame. This is very common is helping children understand and also ensures that there is one version of the truth. It's used loads in child protection exactly for these situations - otherwise there is a void that is filled with variations on what really happened. If you google 'signs of safety words and pictures' you can get a flavour of how it's used. Even good for little ones. Also good for getting children to creative their own narrative about their experiences - google Signs of safety three houses.

Good luck - but my advice would be to throw this out to the whole family and ask "how are we going to bring these children up together" ensuring that they have the best chance possible now and for the long term. Getting SS to support this is crucial I think.

You will be okay - but you'll never have all the right answers- just time, care and compassion to try your hardest.

Hi all

I had no idea there was support groups so thank you. I will look into them.

My husband didnt lie to me, i knew he had kids and his ex was a nightmare but early in a relationship (i am a slow burner with these things) i chose not to delve to deep, i was enjoying dating him, having alot of fun and getting to know him. Thank God we did as our lives changed hugely and we had six months of just us with no pressure before the kids arrived. I feel very supported by him both emotionally and at home and vice versa but he doesnt underatand either and obviously has his own shock and emotion to deal with. He knows how i feel. Our relationship works for us and the kids and ive never questioned it. Theres an awful lot of love in our home and extended family, its not a question of support that way its the understanding and guilt at the situation i struggle with.

I also wouldnt have made this post if i understood addiction... its just awful in so many ways. I just dont get why people risk it.

When did he get divorced and how long have you been married to him OP?

Inish he wasnt married. He was with her 14 years and broke up in 2011. We have been married for 6 months. Its not something i would have done unless it was right.

How can your husband not notice if he was visiting the kids weekly? How can he not notice the change in her in she started after kids? It took 3 kids for him to realise? It was too soon to get with him and play step mom 6 months in.

Are you sure its guilt about her missing out or resebting having to raise them?

You sound really young and sheltered.

I truly dont mean to sound harsh it just screams of disingenouity .

See your wonderful husbsnd thatd be red flags to me focusing on me, a new relation when his poor ex and poor poor children are in that hell. Dreadful.

Inlovewitharagorn, I think you’ve summed up the meaning of addiction, you hate the out of control feeling, for addicts it’s the ultimate effect

Because most but not all addicts are trying to block out their emotions. Maybe she had some sort of trauma that you dont know about that she could no longer cope with after the stress of having children. Maybe she had mental health issues that were getting worse. On top of that is the physical addiction to the drug. And the longer she takes it, the worse it's going to be to unpick, as if she didnt have any issues before, if she ever gets clean she is going to have to face the fact she let her children down in the worst way and that is going to be extremely difficult.

There is very little help for addicts from the system, what should be done is try and unpick the reasons behind the addiction and address their mental health issues before the physical addiction can very targeted but the NHS only has the resources to give them a prescription of methadone which in theory should be reduced over time but in practice is just given because it's slightly safer than heroin (eg less impurities and a regular dose so they can't overdose)

And rehab success rates are actually very low. And you cant 'put someone' in rehab, she could just leave if she is not ready. So it would be a gigantic waste of money.

So how can he have a 9 year old, 7 year old and 4 year old with her if he separated in 2011?

It’s a very strange

The ages are confusing compared to the year they broke up or didn’t he do the maths?

You are doing a wonderful job op, giving these poor children a loving stable home.

Growing up as a child of 2 addicts I carry a lot of anger and I do blame my parents. In my personal opinion they did make a choice to pick drugs and alcohol over me, nobody forced them. Every time they shot up while I was in the house was a choice. I don't think there is any excuse, I would never do that to my children. I don't know why they didn't love me enough to choose me but I have no sympathy, we all have problems.

It seems that OP was in the v early days of a relationship, when the boyfriend she had been dating for just 6 months (not living together) gave her 5hrs notice that he was now moving in to her home with his toddler, 5 year old and a 7 year old.

These children lived a 5hr drive away and she had never met them.

Did OP have any choice in this?

He seems to have uprooted them from their schools, family and friends - overnight - to move 5 hours away with OP.

Where was he staying when he was travelling back to see them 3 nights a week?

He never married the mother of his 3 children even though they were together 14 years - but married the OP within a year of moving (unplanned) into her home.

OP have I got this right?

Is he older than you?

Inish thats a typo. 2015 broke up.

He didnt uproot them. They were living here, she moved away. SS involvement came when she moved. He tried to keep them with her until circumstances meant he couldnt. He brought them down with full social services involvement. We lived for 6 months between his very small 1 bed apartment and my very small 1 bed cottage. After the first court proceeding where residency was granted we moved in together. Social services havent been involved since 2 months after kids came as no need.

We actually really really wanted to get married. He didnt marry his ex because she didnt want to get married. Nor did my mum and dad, they have been together 37 years (married for 7)