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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have expected DH to stay in contact while he's away?

80 replies

JustWannabeCaredAbout · 05/10/2019 22:05

DH has gone away for a long weekend to visit family abroad.

I am quite peeved about this as I never get to go off on my own for a weekend (4 DC, 1 with SN). I got up in the middle of the night to drive him to the airport as he didn't want to pay for parking getting back at 5am and then having to do school runs which included an hours round trip to DC3's specialist provision twice so had a pretty tough day.

He called me quickly in the afternoon to let me know he was there but got cut off due to bad reception. I hoped he'd call me later to say Goodnight but he didn't.

I expected him to call me to check in this morning, just a quick call. He knows I struggle being on my own at night as I have an anxiety disorder and him being away overnight is a trigger. DC are not small but hard work and stressful.

He didn't contact me at all. I called him at 3 pm then tried again at 7pm but no answer. DD messaged him at 8 pm saying I was pissed off so he called then saying he was tired after the travelling yesterday (as if I wasn't, it was a 3 hour flight he could sleep on), got up late this morning then went out.

I hung up on him.

WIBU to be pissed off then he obviously doesn't give a shiny shit about me. We have had ongoing issues about his lack of affection and emotional attachment to me which we have talked about on many previous occasions. I just want to feel like I'm important to someoneSad. We had over 2 years of no intimacy as at all but started to get back on track earlier this year(married for 26 years).

Is it 'needy' expecting a quick call or text saying 'good morning'?

OP posts:
MrsPnut · 05/10/2019 22:08

We wouldn’t communicate when one is away unless it was important but I accept that we are not the norm. We simply don’t feel the need to contact each other when we are apart and we have been together for 25 years.

Quartz2208 · 05/10/2019 22:11

This isnt about him not communicating with you though is it

He does it but wouldnt do it for you
he expects you to jump to his needs (getting up in the middle of the night)
He knows you get anxious but wont communciate

It isnt needy and it sounds as if it is coming to an end

Lolwhat · 05/10/2019 22:11

Yabu, he’s gone away and shouldn’t spend the whole time on his phone to you

vdbfamily · 05/10/2019 22:11

my DH does not normally call unless there is a question needs answering. I do have friends who think it is weird as they are on and off three phoned all three time with husband's when away. One time he was away 2 nights and when a friend asked I was not sure if he had gone to Dublin or Belfast. She was very shocked.

Quartz2208 · 05/10/2019 22:12

This is one of those things though that relationships can be fine without it but some people want it - he knows that and cant be bothered THAT is the issue

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/10/2019 22:13

We don't usually if one or other is away. Might if we have something interesting to say or maybe send a picture of somewhere we were visiting if we thought the other might like it. If he has gone to spend a coupke of days with family he doesn't see often then I don't see any problem with him not being on his phone

Mephisto · 05/10/2019 22:13

YANBU. Why on earth did you get up in the middle of the night to take him to the airport? Shock He doesn’t want to pay for parking that’s his issue.

No way would I have done that with 4 kids at home. DH went on a stag recently and flew from Stansted. Parking cost him £50 for 3 nights (he had to get a shuttle from car park to terminal).

FluffyAlpaca19 · 05/10/2019 22:14

Have you had therapy for your anxiety?

Bouffalant · 05/10/2019 22:14

We never call, but I'd probably expect a text every other day or so to check in.

Was it that he didn't call that was the problem? Did he message or WhatsApp at all to just confirm all was ok?

I'm generally an anxious person but I'd just expect to be told he'd landed safely etc.

Cherrysoup · 05/10/2019 22:15

Tricky. I tend to message my dh when I’m away and when he’s working shifts. Are all 4 dc at home?

saraclara · 05/10/2019 22:16

Nope, apart from a message to say he'd arrived safely, I wouldn't expect to hear anything when it's just a weekend away.

saraclara · 05/10/2019 22:17

Also hanging up on his is hardly an incentive for him to call again.

Bucatini · 05/10/2019 22:18

When do you get a child free break, OP? Spend the rest of the weekend planning yours!

BalanchineBallet · 05/10/2019 22:18

It wouldn’t bother me.... it’s only a long weekend and presumably he’s spending time with the family he is out there to visit?

Dieu · 05/10/2019 22:19

Just let him have his family weekend in peace. And book something for yourself, before the resentment well and truly kicks in.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/10/2019 22:20

Why cant you have a weekend off?

NorthEndGal · 05/10/2019 22:20

I'd expect a text at least

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 05/10/2019 22:20

I worked away until recently and didn't contact DH very frequently. Have a baby now so would and so would DH but I doubt we would if he was older and or was only a couple of days. Probably wouldn't call though I'd WhatsApp, it's less intrusive and you can both reply as and when it's convenient and you have reception.

Fantie · 05/10/2019 22:21

I’m guessing if you got up in the night and didn’t mention taking the dc with you then your kids are older.

For the short amount of time he’s away no I wouldn’t really expect much communication and id be pissed off if I was him getting messages saying your pissy trying to ruin his trip.

Have you had help for your anxiety ? You shouldn’t be putting it on him that him spending a time away is a trigger for you. Are you working on that?

after 26 years you sound a little needy to be honest.

SallyWD · 05/10/2019 22:21

For some people this would be fine for others not. I'd be OK with it. We tend to send the odd WhatsApp message to stay in touch rather than calling. I actually love my DH being away (get to spread out in the bed etc.) bur clearly it's different for you. It seems there are bigger issues here for you.

ElizaDee · 05/10/2019 22:22

I don't think it's needy. I think it's weird to not at least do morning & night calls. With WhatsApp now it doesn't even cost anything.

Original poster
JustWannabeCaredAbout · 05/10/2019 22:23

I'm not expecting him to spend the whole time on the phone with me! Just a quick call. We speak while he's at work anyway.

We spent 3 weeks with his family in August, so it's not that he hasn't seen them in ages.

It just feels like out of sight, out of mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWannabeCaredAbout · 05/10/2019 22:25

We use Viber so no charges.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 05/10/2019 22:25

I get we're all different but if he knows you get anxious he could at least WhatsApp you.

Why can't you get away for a weekend? you totally must

TheAlternativeTentacle · 05/10/2019 22:31

Why cant you have a weekend away?

You need to switch this up.