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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expected DH to stay in contact while he's away?

80 replies

JustWannabeCaredAbout · 05/10/2019 22:05

DH has gone away for a long weekend to visit family abroad.

I am quite peeved about this as I never get to go off on my own for a weekend (4 DC, 1 with SN). I got up in the middle of the night to drive him to the airport as he didn't want to pay for parking getting back at 5am and then having to do school runs which included an hours round trip to DC3's specialist provision twice so had a pretty tough day.

He called me quickly in the afternoon to let me know he was there but got cut off due to bad reception. I hoped he'd call me later to say Goodnight but he didn't.

I expected him to call me to check in this morning, just a quick call. He knows I struggle being on my own at night as I have an anxiety disorder and him being away overnight is a trigger. DC are not small but hard work and stressful.

He didn't contact me at all. I called him at 3 pm then tried again at 7pm but no answer. DD messaged him at 8 pm saying I was pissed off so he called then saying he was tired after the travelling yesterday (as if I wasn't, it was a 3 hour flight he could sleep on), got up late this morning then went out.

I hung up on him.

WIBU to be pissed off then he obviously doesn't give a shiny shit about me. We have had ongoing issues about his lack of affection and emotional attachment to me which we have talked about on many previous occasions. I just want to feel like I'm important to someoneSad. We had over 2 years of no intimacy as at all but started to get back on track earlier this year(married for 26 years).

Is it 'needy' expecting a quick call or text saying 'good morning'?

OP posts:
Moreisnnogedag · 05/10/2019 23:21

I get that people do different things but I’d be cheesed too! I’m away once a week for night and am doing a weekend away currently (work). I WhatsApp my dh throughout the day and we always message goodnight. We’ve been together 20 yrs so not like it’s early days or anything. Messaging nowadays is so incredibly easy worldwide that it’s pretty shitty of him not to esp since you’ve had discussions about it

Original poster
JustWannabeCaredAbout · 05/10/2019 23:23

I think I'm most pissed off the he was on the App at lunchtime. Not sure who he was contacting Hmm. He texted DD, replying to a message she sent yesterday, at 8.00am but he didn't think enough about me to drop me a message like 'hope you managed to sleep' etc. He knows DS3 is a nightmare to get into bed and stays awake.

Yes, it was very sulky Sara but I'm getting sick of our relationship being one sided. At least I'm on control of contact now! If I'd gone away, I'd have contacted am and pm just a message or quick chat.

He's not busyConfused. He last saw his family 6 weeks ago when we all went over there.

OP posts:
ILearnedItFromABook · 05/10/2019 23:24

Different people and different couples have their own "normal", but it's not unreasonable for you to want him to touch base in the morning and evening. When my husband travels, we make a point of sending at least a few messages during the day. Honestly, I'd be hurt if he didn't care enough to make sure all was well with me, and he knows I'd worry if I didn't hear from him.

Even if he doesn't personally feel the need to stay in communication on a daily basis, if he knows that you do, it's selfish and inconsiderate of him to refuse to do so. It doesn't need to take long! YANBU.

Rachelle11 · 05/10/2019 23:28

I get why you are disappointed but I think there are bigger issues here. Your kids are older so what can you do widen your social circle? Or do things for yourself? Do you work? Any colleagues you can go out with? And what sort of help are you getting for your anxiety?

This sounds less about your dh's behaviour and more about things lacking in your life outside your dh.

Your dh works 12 hour shifts. Mine does 12-16 hour so I do get why the check ins at work. And I also get how having a child with sn's is exhausting. Do you have friends who also have kids with sn's. Or a support group you can join? I find my friends who get it are irreplaceable.

BumbleBeee69 · 05/10/2019 23:29

He sounds like a selfish entitled KNOB, so NO you are NOT being unreasonable. Flowers

Dyrne · 05/10/2019 23:34

JustWannabeCaredAbout out if interest, did you send him a message to respond to? I think if you didn’t reach out to him to ask about his day you don’t really have a leg to stand on with getting pissed off at him for not asking about your day.

Take a step back; stop agreeing to do things for him then fuming about it. Stop insisting he ring you then hang up on him. Be honest with him.

saraclara · 05/10/2019 23:41

out of interest, did you send him a message to respond to? I think if you didn’t reach out to him to ask about his day you don’t really have a leg to stand on with getting pissed off at him for not asking about your day.

Excellent point. It reminds me of when my mum moaned that I hadn't called her for two weeks. "Your phone doesn't just take incoming calls mum. I could easily complain that you haven't called me for two weeks"

Joe2019 · 05/10/2019 23:42

But this isn't really about his lack of contact, it's about his attitude toward you and lack of empathy. If I left my partner at home with 4 children while I went off on a jolly, I'd be bloody grateful to my partner for enabling it. Isn't that the real issue? He isn't stepping up?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/10/2019 23:48

Do you ckass visiting family as a jolly? Visiting family is enjoyable but its not the same as a piss up with your mates.

Naillig222 · 05/10/2019 23:49

Why not just ask him if he'd call or text in the evenings to see how your day was? Surely he would say yes?
I do think you were being unreasonable to get your dd involved though.

MT2017 · 05/10/2019 23:52

He can't win though can he? He doesn't call - you get pissed off. He does call - you hang up on him and then refuse to take his calls.

I wouldn't be calling you either Confused

Joe2019 · 05/10/2019 23:55

If it's not work and not a funeral it's a jolly!

MashedSpud · 06/10/2019 00:32

In all fairness you still have dc living at home. It’s not like you are completely alone.

Has he cheated in the past? Is that why you’re annoyed he was on the app but didn’t contact you?

Unblock him and talk so he doesn’t dread coming back home.

managedmis · 06/10/2019 00:41

No way I'd be collecting him from the airport

Micsam89 · 06/10/2019 04:59

YANBU. Each relationship is different. My DH and I always talk at least once daily if one of us is away. I'm living 5 hours away this year for uni (no kids) and we talk heaps. Even when I'm at home, we will text usually a few times a day when we are both at work. Some people don't need or want that in a relationship, but you both need to be on the same page as to what each of you wants. It doesn't take time away from spending time with family to send a text or make a quick 5 min call to check in.

Teacher22 · 06/10/2019 05:52

Make it a rule in life never to do airport lifts. You will not be popular but you will be happier. I live twenty five minutes from Heathrow and have had in the past, for instance, an expectation I would get up at four in the morning to drive a relative to the airport before doing a full day’s teaching and looking after two small children. My declining (with a polite excuse) went down like a lead balloon but I did not at all regret it.

The other part, the other half going incommunicado, I cannot help with. Mine would overshare which brings its own problems. I suggest you take plenty of no notice but arrange your own weekend away.

NoNoNoOohmaybe · 06/10/2019 07:00

I get it, it's the feeling like they don't care.

My husband went away for 3 days on a jolly and hardly messaged. I also just wanted a bit of a check in. Him going away meant I had to do all the school drop offs and pick ups so I had to make up work hours in the evening and neither of the kids are sleeping well so I was up multiple times in the night.

When he came back he basically said what I did was easy and I was making a fuss about nothing. I got very angry and explained how stressful it was and he's since apologised.

Can you sit him down when he gets back and explain the extra pressure it puts you under and you just want him to show he cares?

swingofthings · 06/10/2019 08:38

He didn't contact you because the main reason for his trip was to get away from you/the kids, ie. needed a break.

It sounds like your marriage has been having issues for some time and just judging on this thread, you do come across as very needy and resentful of him doing things for himself when you don't.

In most good relationships, when one goes away, it is normal to contact the partner, but when you feel smothered and desperate for a mental and physical break, what you want most is to forget about home. You hanging up on him will only give him ammunition to justifying he needing to get away for a few days.

It sounds like you really need to think your marriage through. It should be time for you to start thinking of doing things for yourself, away from your OH and kids. Make friends, make plans to go away too. The feeling is amazing and it's you deserve to enjoy it too. Plan for yourself rather than resent your OH for doing something you feel envious of but could very much do for yourself too.

DefinitelyNOTamum · 06/10/2019 09:00

Get some friends. Get a hobby and go out

Dljlr · 06/10/2019 09:06

YANBU, he presumably knew how this would make you feel and failed to contact you anyway. That's cruel.

I do love the remarks on here about having to do school runs alone etc. when the DP is away though... Try being a single parent!

Oldbutstillgotit · 06/10/2019 09:22

I can’t believe people are saying you are unreasonable! Every relationship is different but most of us like a quick message of their DP is away . The bigger issue is that you don’t get time to yourself and that has to be addressed ! Also , I wouldn’t collect him from the airport . Stuff that .

Oldbutstillgotit · 06/10/2019 09:23

I had a week away with friends a few months ago and used WhatsApp twice a day to check in with DH and will do next weekend when I have a city break with DD .

Blanca87 · 06/10/2019 09:39

Why can't you afford to go on holiday but he can? Please do not pick him up on Monday. The lack of contact I could handle if there wasn't such a sense of power a imbalance. He is showing you how little he views you.

butterflywings37 · 06/10/2019 09:48

Well if my dh had put the phone down on me I wouldn't be calling them back, I'd wait and deal with it when I got home.

Did you message him or just get your DD to message to say you were unhappy?

EdinaMonsoon · 06/10/2019 10:03

The underlying issue in this scenario is that you feel that you aren't valued by your DH. Parenting teens is bloody hard work. Parenting teens on the spectrum is bloody relentless & often thankless (I speak from experience). Instead, you are there to do everything for everyone else with nobody looking out for you & your needs. From what you've said, it sounds as though you have tried to communicate this to him previously but he either isn't listening or doesn't want to change. In which case, you need to be the one to change.

Don't pick him up on Monday. He can make his own way home. I think the temptation is to make yourself worthy of his love & attention by continuing to do things for him. You don't need to do that. He should either give it freely because he truly loves you or he should be honest & leave.

Start going out - even if you have nowhere to go and nobody to go with - just get out of the house for several hours at a time. Go out for a long walk, have a drink or something to eat somewhere. Go to the cinema or the theatre. Go for a swim & have a coffee & cake afterwards. Whatever. Just do anything where you are not at home, non-contactable and give yourself some proper time off.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to have a proper conversation with him about how a good marriage would look to you. It's fine to say "I don't feel valued" but you also need to tell him what he would need to do to make you feel valued. That's different for everyone so you can't expect your DH to act on that if he doesn't actually know specifically what you need. If you feel that's not something you can do alone, perhaps seeing a relationship counsellor would be a good step forward?