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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expected DH to stay in contact while he's away?

80 replies

JustWannabeCaredAbout · 05/10/2019 22:05

DH has gone away for a long weekend to visit family abroad.

I am quite peeved about this as I never get to go off on my own for a weekend (4 DC, 1 with SN). I got up in the middle of the night to drive him to the airport as he didn't want to pay for parking getting back at 5am and then having to do school runs which included an hours round trip to DC3's specialist provision twice so had a pretty tough day.

He called me quickly in the afternoon to let me know he was there but got cut off due to bad reception. I hoped he'd call me later to say Goodnight but he didn't.

I expected him to call me to check in this morning, just a quick call. He knows I struggle being on my own at night as I have an anxiety disorder and him being away overnight is a trigger. DC are not small but hard work and stressful.

He didn't contact me at all. I called him at 3 pm then tried again at 7pm but no answer. DD messaged him at 8 pm saying I was pissed off so he called then saying he was tired after the travelling yesterday (as if I wasn't, it was a 3 hour flight he could sleep on), got up late this morning then went out.

I hung up on him.

WIBU to be pissed off then he obviously doesn't give a shiny shit about me. We have had ongoing issues about his lack of affection and emotional attachment to me which we have talked about on many previous occasions. I just want to feel like I'm important to someoneSad. We had over 2 years of no intimacy as at all but started to get back on track earlier this year(married for 26 years).

Is it 'needy' expecting a quick call or text saying 'good morning'?

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWannabeCaredAbout · 05/10/2019 22:34

I could see that he'd been 'seen' on Viber at lunchtime today so he'd opened the App but couldn't be bothered to send me a quick text on it.

DS3 has ASD and can be volatile so a quick is all OK? was all I was looking for!

I've deactivated it now so he can fuck off and can't contact me until he lands on Monday and wants me to pick him up.

OP posts:
Idontwanttotalk · 05/10/2019 22:35

I would expect to hear he'd arrived safely but wouldn't expect him to text me to say Good Morning or Goodnight. He's only away for a long weekend and is with family. I would prefer him to be enjoying his time with them and not waste it talking to me.

Perhaps you should have some therapy for your anxiety?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/10/2019 22:37

Gosh the midnight airport drop off would have had a sharp no from me - who minded the kids at that hour?

I only ever ask for an arrival message and then only if the return plans change another one. Any thing else is a bonus.

As above, why haven't you had weekends off/ away?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/10/2019 22:38

We speak while he's at work anyway

I'll never understand this.

ELM8 · 05/10/2019 22:40

YANNU you did him a favour by getting up and taking him to the airport and you are home alone looking after his kids. Presumably he knows you have anxiety and you have a lot on your plate so it's not much effort on his part to call a few times tbh.

Original poster
JustWannabeCaredAbout · 05/10/2019 22:40

Older DC are late teens and one stayed awake as no college the next day, youngest is 9.

OP posts:
ELM8 · 05/10/2019 22:41

YANBU*

NotStayingIn · 05/10/2019 22:41

I’m sorry you are having a shit time. I do want to point out one thing which I think will piss you off, but here goes.

You are annoyed that you drove him to the airport at great inconvenience to yourself.

You are annoyed that you get no time to yourself yet he does.

You can’t change someone else. But change your own behaviour and the other person may be forced (or encouraged if we are being nice) to adapt and so make things fairer. Being a martyr, emotional blackmail or slamming down the phone will not help you in the slightest.

NotStayingIn · 05/10/2019 22:42

(Although I get why you did, I would be annoyed too!)

Original poster
JustWannabeCaredAbout · 05/10/2019 22:47

I don't have anyone to visit or go away with and I don't have the money or inclination to stay in a hotel on my own. We have no one to have the DC to be able to go away together. That's why I don't go away.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWannabeCaredAbout · 05/10/2019 22:49

So responses definitely leaning to me being UR thenGrin.

OK!

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 05/10/2019 22:49

If dh has money to go away for a l9ng weekend, why don't you have money for a night away?

Cat2014 · 05/10/2019 22:52

Yanbu

Bellringer · 05/10/2019 22:52

Next time make it clear when you expect to hear from him. Surprised kids don't want to just say hello or text him if he's usually home.
Fair enough he doesn't need to speak to you, he's with family (why didn't he take one or two dc with him?) but he should understand you want to have contact while he's away. You need to spell it out.

timeisnotaline · 05/10/2019 22:53

Why don’t you have money when he does? This is unacceptable in a marriage personally. Don’t pick him up from the airport, he can get a cab if he’s got money to spend and you don’t.

Original poster
JustWannabeCaredAbout · 05/10/2019 22:53

Bernadette DH works 12 hour shifts and often gets delayed due to traffic as he's on the road all day. We don't get to talk much at home as he gets home late and I check when he's finishing etc. It'd be different if he was in a 9-5 job.

OP posts:
StatementofRegret · 05/10/2019 22:53

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.
You’re his DW, they’re his DC’s. It would just be polite and caring to check in with you all. You’re not asking much.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/10/2019 22:54

It sounds a bit like he gets to do whatever he likes but you're at home doing all the grunt work and putting yourself out to make his life easier. Did he even ask if you were OK with him going away and leaving you to look after the household, or did he just tell you it was happening?

Hatherden123 · 05/10/2019 22:55

It might be worth reconsidering the - i don't have the money or inclination to stay in a hotel on my own - you could find something you'd love to do ,, i like wellness weekends, archeological digs and ghost hunting evenings - it's great to abandon my dh and 3 kids and head off for a fun night with a group of people i wouldn't have met otherwise - when you want to do something you'll find a way to save /earn a ltlle extra.

Wildorchidz · 05/10/2019 22:57

You are not unreasonable and please do not allow the responses you have had here make you think that you are. A simple message to ask how things are at home is not too much to expect.

Dyrne · 05/10/2019 22:57

JustWannabeCaredAbout Why don’t you have anyone to go away with?

I think you need to stop being a martyr. Speak to your DH when he’s back and things are settled; and say that you are going to find a hobby to meet people and make friends, which will mean you are out the house one evening a week.

Agree calling is awkward to fit in if he’s visiting people; a quick “hey how’s it going?” WhatsApp/text is better and can be responded to whenever.

NotStayingIn · 05/10/2019 23:03

A holiday on your own might not be right, but I would still start somewhere. For example one night a week he is responsible for the kids as you are seeing friends or starting a hobby.

If it can’t be a weekday, do a few hours at the weekend. Or every other weekend. Don’t have a hobby? Think of something or just use the time to have a coffee and relax away from home.

You may not want to do any of this. But I would suggest trying to claw back a bit of you time.

saraclara · 05/10/2019 23:04

I've deactivated it now so he can fuck off and can't contact me until he lands on Monday and wants me to pick him up

Oh come on... That's just a sulky over-reaction which isn't going to help AT ALL. For all you know, he might have wanted to call you to put things right, but no, you want to make things worse.

He's with his family, he's busy. He called you to say he got there okay. Next day when he eventually called, you hung up on him. Now you've blocked him from calling.
You're the one who's going to look bad now. You won't be able to have a conversation about his communication that might help make things better, because your behaviour was worse, and he'll call you on it.

NearlyGranny · 05/10/2019 23:11

YANBU. With the unrelenting load at home, he should check in daily to see how your day has gone.

Of course you've blocked him now, so...

Your life seems all work and no play. You never get out, so of course you have no social circle to go away with even if you could. That needs to change!

Your DH can flit off for a break and you should have the same. You will just feel more trapped and resentful if you don't. When he comes back, why not sit him down and have a talk about your need for R&R and how he can enable it?

You are worth it.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/10/2019 23:15

You can have some time to yourself if you choose to do so. If the kids are old enough to be left whilst you go to the airport then you can leave them whilst you go to the cinema. You could have a day to yourself whilst DH looks after them. And you are being very very childish to complain he doesn't contact you but then hang up on him and block him

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