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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a man’s opinion please?

116 replies

LoveLifeLaugh · 05/10/2019 21:15

I’m about 40, slim but not skinny and facially ‘decent’.

I have got to the age where I could easily start worrying about new wrinkles, greying hair and the unforgiving force of gravity.

My natural approach would be to:

  • stay slim
  • avoid grey hair
  • dress in a way that flatters my figure
But then to not obsess about it. To leave the house with a smile and a positive, confident attitude. Is this enough to still be regarded as attractive? I don’t want to nip and tuck myself like so many people I know. But my fear is that people will compare me to these younger-looking, smoother models.

I’m a happy person, full of joy and confidence but is that enough in today’s world?

Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveLifeLaugh · 05/10/2019 21:54

To me you sound empty inside.
Thanks for your opinion. I’m going to leave the thread now as I don’t need those kinds of remarks. I’m a real person with real feelings. Would you say that to my face if you met me?

OP posts:
emsyj37 · 05/10/2019 21:55

Meh, I'm 40 and I look ok (I think) and I like running. I don't plan to stop, but I am curious as to what it is about running that makes me haggard/aged/hopelessly unattractive! Really I'm intrigued... Grin

HotSince82 · 05/10/2019 21:56

Oh, running results in sagging facial skin.

I refuse to run. Major jowls on my Dad's side Grin

Stompythedinosaur · 05/10/2019 22:01

Your value is not defined by how you look or by whether men are attracted to you.

The more you look at people the more they just look like people. The things you describe in your post as attractive or unattractive (grey hair, for example) is just a bit of how someone looks. The closer you look the more preposterous is seems that the shade of a few hairs should define whether you are a valuable person.

Also, male opinions aren't more important than female ones.

avamiah · 05/10/2019 22:01

Just found the “running post”.
Running/jogging is fantastic as I used to run, I did half marathons( great North run, Glasgow, then in 2000 did my first ever and only marathon( London).😊😮😬
Running is amazing for the mind and body and for self confidence.

bluebell34567 · 05/10/2019 22:01

HotSince82 interesting point.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 05/10/2019 22:02

Any man that's shallow enough to care of you've got fillers or not isn't the man to be in a relationship with. I also live in the South East and see a lot of women in their forties and up who've had work done, they think it's subtle, it isn't. They don't look younger they look like they've had work done, some men sand women are attracted to that look, lots aren't. You're focussing on the wrong thing. I didn't read your other thread but if there is someone you like and they don't want to date you because you haven't injected botulism into your face move on and be glad you swerved a nightmare

Dieu · 05/10/2019 22:02

I didn't know time travel back to the 1950s was even possible Grin

HotSince82 · 05/10/2019 22:02

Don't be silly emsy, nobody called you unattractive but if you're looking to maintain skin quality, which I gathered the OP was, then running probably isn't the optimum choice exercise wise, all things considered.

Thats all.

emsyj37 · 05/10/2019 22:03

Surely if all men found the same thing physically attractive then only one sort of woman would be in a relationship and everyone else would be desperate and dateless!
Different men like different things and everyone is attractive to someone. Of course there are some women who are generically attractive to a greater proportion of men than others, but I don't think that makes it easier for those women to find love. Just being physically attracted to someone is not the same as wanting a relationship with that person or falling in love with them.

MitziK · 05/10/2019 22:06

Do all the 'work' and you too could have a thirty five year old cocklodger. Until he meets somebody not so paranoid about their attractiveness that their eyebrows and tits don't move, that is.

Oneman1 · 05/10/2019 22:10

I'd say just be happy in your own skin looks are fickle its personality that counts

ThePallidBustOfPallas · 05/10/2019 22:11

Yes I would say it to your face. Somebody needs to. I haven't called you names or insulted you. I think you sound like there's something seriously lacking in your life and you judge your value on your attractiveness to men. Something wrong there for sure.

Aberhonddu · 05/10/2019 22:14

@LoveLifeLaugh
Ok, leave the thread because you've not had the answers that you want
Why did you post on a predominately Female forum and specifically ask for answers from Men.
All artificial fillers are plastic and very noticeable and IMO once you start having plastic injected into your face you'll never be able to stop.
Learn to accept yourself as a beautiful human being. You're alive, hopefully healthy. Initially you seemed to be quite body positive in your op but then you sank into needing affirmation from men.
Nobody can make you happy, happiness and peace of mind come from within, it's not up to anyone else to make you happy.

HotSince82 · 05/10/2019 22:15

Botox is futile primarily because all it does is erase horizontal lines, unless you only target the glabellar region that is, and few are so circumspect in their usage of it once they get going.
Horizontal lines don't actually make you look older per se. Sure, they show your repeated expressions but often that looks more genuine and hence 'younger' than the taut, expressionless face bestowed via botox.

Fillers do not improve skin quality. Fill all you like but if the overlying skin isn't itself full of collagen you get a face that resembes an overfilled and often, lumpy mattress.

So OP whatever you do, please swerve the fillers and use botox extremely sparingly, if at all.

I impart this knowledge not in the hope of helping you to attract men but simply in the interests of you not ruining what I'm certain is a perfectly beautiful face.

Really222 · 05/10/2019 22:18

Re Catherine Deneuve - ageing is part of life. We are subject to the same cycles of life as everything in nature. I find it hard too, but the more time passes, the more perspective I have. At the moment I feel that it is truly bizarre that we are on this planet at all.

Anyway, 40 is young actually.

colourlessgreenidea · 05/10/2019 22:19

To me you sound empty inside.

Thanks for your opinion. I’m going to leave the thread now as I don’t need those kinds of remarks. I’m a real person with real feelings. Would you say that to my face if you met me?

To be fair, you’ve started three threads, seemingly within a few hours of joining MN, two of which are you worrying about your appearance/ageing, the other of which is a nauseatingly gushing thread about fancying your boss.

So yeah, you’re not coming across as a woman of great profundity.

avamiah · 05/10/2019 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HotSince82 · 05/10/2019 22:25

So yeah, you’re not coming across as a woman of great profundity.

To be perfectly candid, I have more patience for those women who are unabashedly honest regarding their insecurities regarding aging, which I believe we all suffer from to a certain degree due to years of enforced, subliminal patriarchy than those who wish to bolster their egos by parading their ostensible intellectual superiority on internet forums at the expense of other women's feelings.

Aberhonddu · 05/10/2019 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

colourlessgreenidea · 05/10/2019 22:30

To be perfectly candid, I have more patience for those women who are unabashedly honest regarding their insecurities regarding aging, which I believe we all suffer from to a certain degree due to years of enforced, subliminal patriarchy than those who wish to bolster their egos by parading their ostensible intellectual superiority on internet forums at the expense of other women's feelings.

Good for you. Hmm

PurpleDaisies · 05/10/2019 22:30

What a lot of long words you’ve used HotSince82. Would you like a badge or something?

MrMcHenry · 05/10/2019 22:34

I'm a bit older than you - early 50s but I am male. I can't speak for everyone but I can speak from my own perspective.
I split up with my ex about 5 years ago and moved out. I spent a few months licking my wounds then decided to "get myself back out there". It was one of the most daunting things I have ever done.. I'm certainly no Adonis... relatively short, follicley challenged, and certainly not capable of fitting into the same clothes I wore on my 30th birthday... but guess what, none of us are as young as we once were.
Be yourself. There will always be someone taller / younger / skinnier / with better skin / some other thing you (we all) obsess about comparing ourselves with others, but none of them are you, nd I know it's a cliché but it is who you are that is more important than what you are... unless of course you are just on tinder and all you are looking for is a hook up ;)
I think most of us are more realistic than to be looking for arm candy 10/15+ years younger than ourselves... a part of "growing up" is growing out of that superficiality, and to be honest if someone my age doesn't have a bit of baggage in the background, or a few crows feet/bags under their eyes etc then I would be suspicious... and I would be suspicious if someone 10 years younger than me who I didn't know from elsewhere suddenly took a shine to me. Flattered, but suspicious ;)
I dress for myself. I wear clothes that I'm either comfortable in or make me feel good about myself. I'm not a mannequin to be dressed for the amusement of someone else... and neither are you. Wear what you like. What you feel comfortable in. What you think is appropriate. Sure, if you are going somewhere with someone then it makes sense if you are on the same page (no point going out for dinner if one of you is dressed to the nines and the other is in jeans and an old t-shirt) but the important thing is to be yourself. If you aren't being yourself then the mask will slip at some point anyway so why not let the other person know who you really are early on?
Look at it this way. You might not look like you did 15 years ago, but then neither does the person you are likely to meet. If he doesn't have the self-awareness to realise that do you really want to be getting involved with him anyway?

HotSince82 · 05/10/2019 22:34

No, I can assure you that won't be necessary PurpleDaisies, unless that is, you require a pat on the back for your rapier wit sarcasm?
In which case I'm more than happy to offer you a mutual high five?

dworky · 05/10/2019 22:43

It's like feminism never happened.