My DM is taking me to court over my DS

[Thehop]

Good evening

Apologies for using AIBU, I’m a bit desperate but will delete if not allowed.

My mother has send me a petition in the post todayfor a court appearance. I think the bare bones of it are that she wants PR and a residence order for my son. Though it also mentions she feels my other children are at significant risk of harm and abuse.

He’s 14, and after a few arguments with me he ran away to her house last year and he hasn’t spent a night here since.

He’s been thoroughly brainwashed by her and my brother and he now hates me with a passion.

I’m stumped. What do I do? I’m so sorry, I’m shaking and crying and don’t know where to get advice. Google is coming up blank. It’s all parents advice or advice for GP getting contact. I can’t find anything for a situation like this anywhere.

She’s reported me to SS previously but case closed as soon as they’d done a visit.

I work in early years and am terrified I could lose my other children and my job over her vindictive hatred.

Many thanks in advance for absolutely any advice.

I have no experience or knowledge but I guess as he is 14 his wishes will be paramount.

Do you have any contact with your DS at all, phone calls or coming for tea etc?

Honestly OP you need to engage a solicitor experienced in family courts. They'll be able to advise you on what will happen, next steps, likelihood of her case being successful. Good luck.

Is he living with her? I think you need to explain more. Why have you and dm got to this point with your ds?

What have you been doing to try and get him to come home? Why would they brainwash him? What is your relationship with them like? These are all questions that need answers. Also its interesting you say you are worried about your job and losing your other children but don't mention wanting him home.

Are school involved? Any one else who is involved and can evidence the negative effect that they have would be helpful

You have been served court papers? You need a solicitor not Mumsnet.

You need really good legal advice, unfortunately I think it’s a bit beyond MN. (Although I’m sure there are some very good solicitors on here, I’m not sure there’d be up for doing freebies!)
It sounds like it’s going to be pretty complex family law.

I hope you get it sorted.

I'd suggest starting with CAB

What has happened in the meantime? Have you tried to get him home? If he's been there a long time, it sounds like she is trying to formalize the agreement which might not be unreasonable. It very much depends on the circumstances though. It must be very hard.

My friend went and lived with her nana when she was a teen.

There was no judgement on the mother, they just didn’t get along and her grandparents had better financial resources to care for her.

It’s been a year of your child living away.

For whatever reason he wants to stay there.

It was a likely eventuality that this would happen.

Apologies for not referring to posters, I’m not sure how to?

I do very much want him to come back. I message him regularly saying we’d love to see him, he’s welcome for dinner, I’ve invited him on holiday.

My mother hates me and so does my brother. They’ve just thought him lots of big words and fed him lies that he believes.

He had been a few times to see his siblings, but refuses to speak to me. He calls me by my name not mum and tells them when they’re older he’ll tell them the truth about me and help them get free too.

He has no basis for his thoughts. He was very wanted and loved as a child and still is now. We had a very turbulent year as he hit his teens. He hated my rules (reasonable rules, a bit lenient if anything) but she’s very wealthy and spends fortunes on him. She never tells him no. He’s now, sadly, become very elitist racist and homophobic in his outlook. Just like her.

I can’t afford a solicitor at all, but have looked up my local citizens advice outreach clinics and can get to one in my afternoon off.

Thank you for advising that.

What have you done to bring him home so far?

Yes can you tell us a bit more OP. What steps have you taken to try to get him back. Where is his father? Doesn't he also have to agree to the parental order?

It does sound to me as though your mother is just trying to formalise things because he has been there longterm and wishes to stay there longterm. Do you give her financial help for your son? Who gets his child maintenance, child benefit and child tax credits?

How old are your other children?
I'm sure their wishes will be taken into account.
Have you tried family therapy with your DS? What has been happening re school parents evenings etc? Has she been going to them in your place?
So many questions.

My mother hates me and so does my brother

Why?

I think you should request family counselling, the court would request this however CAFCASS will also want to speak to your son and possibly your other children

Have you been in to his school?

So sorry OP

Your M sounds like my M.

Sent mine to live with his father and now I am the Devil Incarnate .

There must be more to this. Why does your mother and bother hate you. Why did your son choose to leave home? All teens have arguments with parents. It is them testing the boundaries. The vast majority do not leave home at 14. Neither do they say they will help their siblings become free.

Only the council/CS can take people to court for this. They need a lot of evidence to even try, too.

Your best bet might be to concede that a Residence Order and PR in her favour are necessary given the current situation, whilst strenuously denying her other allegations and expressing your hope that by minimising conflict now, your relationship with your DS can be improved over time.

Maybe also find a family therapy service you can refer yourself and your son too?

Practically speaking, her request for PR isn’t really unreasonable, in terms of day-to-day permissions and so on.

I completely believe what you say about mind games and poisonous family dynamics. However, you need to take the high road here and be demonstrably the mature one.

Without knowing the history etc. it would be hard to make anu comment other than

go see a professional

about this.

Only the council/CS can take people to court for this. They need a lot of evidence to even try, too.

No you don’t need to be Social Services to apply for a Residence Order. (I’m not a solicitor or SW, but I applied for - and got - a RO for my stepchild when both the parents went seriously flakey.)

There must be more to this. Why does your mother and bother hate you. Why did your son choose to leave home?

Of course there’s more to it. Probably several generations of dysfunction.

It doesn’t mean that OP isn’t the sane, grounded one in the scenario. Manipulating adolescents can be remarkably easy if you have the resources to play Disney Dad/Gran/Sister.

I get the impression theres more to this than meets the eye.

Difficult to advise because of that, but you need to get professional advice. Is there such a thing as legal aid in this scenario?

He’s now, sadly, become very elitist racist and homophobic in his outlook. Just like her

That sounds worrying, I am sorry you do need legal advice, but he is old enough to decide for himself with agreement of the court in Wales.