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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DM is taking me to court over my DS

91 replies

Thehop · 05/10/2019 18:45

Good evening

Apologies for using AIBU, I’m a bit desperate but will delete if not allowed.

My mother has send me a petition in the post todayfor a court appearance. I think the bare bones of it are that she wants PR and a residence order for my son. Though it also mentions she feels my other children are at significant risk of harm and abuse.

He’s 14, and after a few arguments with me he ran away to her house last year and he hasn’t spent a night here since.

He’s been thoroughly brainwashed by her and my brother and he now hates me with a passion.

I’m stumped. What do I do? I’m so sorry, I’m shaking and crying and don’t know where to get advice. Google is coming up blank. It’s all parents advice or advice for GP getting contact. I can’t find anything for a situation like this anywhere.

She’s reported me to SS previously but case closed as soon as they’d done a visit.

I work in early years and am terrified I could lose my other children and my job over her vindictive hatred.

Many thanks in advance for absolutely any advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thehop · 05/10/2019 21:05

Thank you for the links and advice.

I actually know his head of year now as, about 6 months ago, that had to involve the police as he was sexually harassing a female teacher on Instagram and accusing another male teacher of sexually abusing a pupil. He was sent to a pupil unit for a term and then had a half term in isolation. He’s now in mainstream classes.

I will ring her Monday morning, and email her now for an appointment.

OP posts:

TatianaLarina · 05/10/2019 21:06

How did he get from running off to stay with your mum to not coming home?

Original poster

Thehop · 05/10/2019 21:12

We had an argument at home about his behaviour that started with having a shower of all bloody things.

He hit me, I hit him back and he walked out.

I figured he was storming around cooling off but he walked to her house (same village) and he just refused to ever come back. She told him he didn’t have to.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thehop · 05/10/2019 21:14

We phoned the police and they said they’d bring him home but he walked out again.

They said they wouldn’t keep forcibly returning him as he wasn’t in danger where he was.

I contacted CAMHS as he cut himself for a few months and they spoke to him once at school then nothing.

GP couldn’t do anything

Social services said it was a legal matter and couldn’t help unless he was in danger.

OP posts:

OkayGo · 05/10/2019 21:17

Sorry op no advice but it sounds terribly hard for you - I can’t imagine how you feel. I can’t believe he sent you a wreath, that is so incredibly nasty

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 05/10/2019 21:24

Is there anyone that can supervise the visits between him and his siblings, OP, other than you or your husband? I would want a witness to the things he’s saying to your children. Otherwise I would do my bloody best to keep them apart. He’s going to end up emotionally damaging your younger children. If he wants to act like a spoilt brat, he can, but he doesn’t get to interfere in the relationship between you and his siblings.

What do you do, when he comes out with the nonsense about helping them escape and what do they say about it? The older two are of an age where they must have an opinion.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 05/10/2019 21:25

You actually need to keep a record of his behaviour, including the wreath. You need to protect your younger children and yourself, in case he doesn’t wise up.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/10/2019 21:30

So you had an actual fight? He has sexually harassed a teacher, sent a wreath? He needs help.

Blanca87 · 05/10/2019 21:33

This happened to my friend. The dynamics between her and her own weathy mother, (who was an ego maniac) were toxic as fuck. Her mum exploited the situation between daughter and child which was normal teen parent dynamic. Purely to be spiteful. This shite happens when people are on a power hunt and will exploit any situation for their untold gains. Xxxx

Original poster

Thehop · 05/10/2019 21:40

It was hideous. He calls me horrible things. I’m trying not to take it to heart, and remember he has been modelled into what he seems. He was such a sweet boy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thehop · 05/10/2019 21:44

I was always abused so much over supervising his time with them by DM and DB I thought I was out of order.

I’ve met him and FM in play centres a few times too. He talks to them about some mad theories that he genuinely believes. Crazy conspiracies.

I will see if my aunt can supervise in future, but I think she’s as much under my mums thumb as everyone and most are a bit frightened of my DB.

A cousin had told me tonight that DM and SB smoked cannabis at Christmas and drove my DS home.

He only came to see his siblings in the morning, spent the day with them at my aunts house.

I’m trying to put a timeline together and get screenshots of what I can. I’ve deleted a lot but my DH thinks it can be retrieved he’s on google now. I’ll get what evidence I can together and develop a backbone for the younger ones to stand up to them.

Thank you for all the constructive advice and links, you’ve been brilliant.

OP posts:

MrsNotNice · 05/10/2019 22:11

This is so terrifying. Wishing you luck OP. Your mum sounds hideous !

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 05/10/2019 22:16

If your aunt is under your mother’s thumb, then she would be no good at supervising. In all honesty OP, I think you should keep him away from your other children. I would tell your youngest, if the6 ask to see him, that he has some stuff he needs to work through and that until he stops being cruel about you, they need a wee break from each other.

justasking111 · 05/10/2019 22:22

So your mother and your brother get stoned. Could your DS be getting hold of weed, it would explain some of his actions.

Original poster

Thehop · 05/10/2019 22:23

They actually don’t ask to see him any more. They seem a bit scared of him, and don’t ask. Despite him giving them money (from the many notes he seems to carry) every time we see him.

OP posts:

optimiseyourproductivity · 05/10/2019 22:33

OP I would copy and paste all your posts into a word document and start to edit them into short numbered paragraphs which would show really clearly what has actually happened, and your concerns, as there is a lot of info here, and it will help you to set it out in one document with all the details/evidence as appropriate.

Therefore it will cover - as per your posts - what you have done to try to get him home and communicate with him, your concern about his environment and the affect it is having on him, with details about what happened at school, the things he is saying and doing which are concerning, to you, to your dc, to others, and the background to your relationship with your dm and db - all clearly set out - and the constant harassment and reports. And about you, your job, your home life, all about your other dc at home.

It will hopefully get it all clear in your mind and give you confidence and will help you get advice, and your solicitor can use it as a starting point for what is needed for court.

optimiseyourproductivity · 05/10/2019 22:39

If it were my dc I would fight for him not to stay with your dm - based on what you have said - but the transition back to you would be very hard and you need to think about that too.

Original poster

Thehop · 05/10/2019 22:47

That’s an excellent idea actually thank you.

It’s a rock and a hard place.....he doesn’t want to be here and nobody can make him but nobody will support him with getting any help. His influences and examples are terrifying to me but apparently he’s not in danger!

OP posts:

optimiseyourproductivity · 05/10/2019 22:52

You could say to the court that you think he needs a proper assessment by a psychologist and why. That is just an idea though - get some proper advice about it all in real life.

He needs you in his corner irrespective of what he is saying now.

TheFatberg · 05/10/2019 23:00

Some universities do free law clinics ran by students (with supervision from someone qualified) - not sure if you have any close to you but they maybe could help?

Notverygrownup · 05/10/2019 23:03

No expert OP, but I have recently had to do Prevent Training. Ask his teacher/Head of Year to talk to him about what he feels about Muslims/race politics and ask whether a referral to Prevent would be a possibility. The school should be able to access support for him, designed to prevent radicalisation.

InsertFunnyUsername · 05/10/2019 23:11

Your DM sounds insane. Your poor DS too. But I agree with keeping him away from your younger children, that wreath text would be enough for me to enforce that. I have no advice but what a horrible situation.

Original poster

Thehop · 05/10/2019 23:13

I’ve emailed his HoY tonight, and will ring her Monday.

Looking into law schools/departments at universities is a great idea thank you.

Thanks again all

OP posts:

PupsAndKittens · 05/10/2019 23:24

Op, I am very sorry that you are going through this. After a quick google of “14-year-old leaves home” this is what comes up (from child-line)

*Under 16

When you're under 16, your parents or carers have a responsibility to keep you safe. That means that you can't choose to leave.*

So I guess you could in theory try and get him back by a court order, however obviously at 14 it is going to be extremely difficult as they are close enough to 16 ( The age where you can legally choose where to live, Bar a few exceptions ) that his wishes are going to be the main paramount to the court.

I would try and get legal aid and say how you feel your mother is brainwashing your son.

Please don’t worry OP about your job. you says SS Close the case straight after their visit, therefore they are satisfied that none of your other children are at significant risk. I’m sorry to say however, worst case scenario is that your mum gains custody of your child and the court Can rule that he doesn’t have to have contact with you. Once again, sorry you’re going through this.

Muddledupme · 05/10/2019 23:36

With his increasingly dangerous views would it be worth reporting him to Prevent as it's their job to stop people being indoctrinated into extremism?

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