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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DM is taking me to court over my DS

91 replies

Thehop · 05/10/2019 18:45

Good evening

Apologies for using AIBU, I’m a bit desperate but will delete if not allowed.

My mother has send me a petition in the post todayfor a court appearance. I think the bare bones of it are that she wants PR and a residence order for my son. Though it also mentions she feels my other children are at significant risk of harm and abuse.

He’s 14, and after a few arguments with me he ran away to her house last year and he hasn’t spent a night here since.

He’s been thoroughly brainwashed by her and my brother and he now hates me with a passion.

I’m stumped. What do I do? I’m so sorry, I’m shaking and crying and don’t know where to get advice. Google is coming up blank. It’s all parents advice or advice for GP getting contact. I can’t find anything for a situation like this anywhere.

She’s reported me to SS previously but case closed as soon as they’d done a visit.

I work in early years and am terrified I could lose my other children and my job over her vindictive hatred.

Many thanks in advance for absolutely any advice.

OP posts:

Notverygrownup · 06/10/2019 01:06

Absolutely Muddledupme

Carrotcakeyum · 06/10/2019 02:31

There is a special place in hell for people like your mother. She is evil personified.
Your story is heart breaking.
It is at the very far end of the scale of extreme narcissistic abuse.
You sound like you are the family scapegoat, your brother being the golden child. GC are often the most messed up and dysfunctional ones.
In the extreme, narcissistic mothers seek to destroy all the things that bring others pleasure, and this time it is your children. She no doubt did her utmost to destroy other central relationships you had.
This is my honest opinion. Your poor son has been so psychologically and emotionally abused, that right now he is not the dear, sweet child you remember. No normal, stable person sends a wreath the way he did.
I would think very seriously indeed about letting him have contact with your younger children. If you do, you may well lose them also. Do not underestimate the lengths these individuals will go to. Your NM, together with your brother will not stop until each and every child is turned against you, and broken and destroyed.
Know that this is not your fault and know that you are not the only one to have this terrible situation forced upon you.
Please go to the "stately homes" long running thread on here. It is full of wise people who have lived through parental narcisstic abuse. (Attila the Hun is one poster who springs to mind. She is amazing, and there are others too)
The examples you gave about being reported to social services, the tax people etc by your own family says it all. This is typical behaviour. Spite, vindictiveness..
The suggestions by pp to keep a log of times you have written to/tried to contact your son etc and maybe a diary of your thoughts are good ideas. One day in the future he will see how much you love him. However
I strongly believe your priority is to save your other children.

Carrotcakeyum · 06/10/2019 02:41

..Oh and the siding with your abusive ex against you is another common example of their sick behaviour.

bluetue · 06/10/2019 03:12

This is shocking and horrifying. I am so so sorry OP

Original poster

Thehop · 06/10/2019 07:06

Oh my goodness the “golden child” thing is so right! He was.

I’m very close to my half siblings, my late fathers children from his first marriage and she hates it. And them. He had to see them in secret when they got to their teens and adulthood or she wild make his life miserable. Everything was “as long as your mothers happy” and that’s how we lived. Right up to my DH telling her to leave or stop shouting at me.

I’m going over to stately homes now thank you. I’m sure there will be more lightbulb moments.

I will ask a friend for some more social media screenshots of his Britain first daily fail rubbish. He seems to have created some screenshots of texts that I certainly didn’t receive to share on there and my brothers Facebook calling me a pig to a dog for “abandoning him” whilst my DM has provided him a safe place. The texts are all “mummy I love you and miss you so much, I’m begging you please talk to me”

They’re very clever. And quite dangerous. My brother especially. It worries me constantly that these are his main influences and, on the rare occasions I do see him, the way he talks is terrifying.

I’ve never felt so impotent. Nobody will help us because of his age, but you’ve no idea how much all this advice helped. Thank you. I was up late researching the links online, and have a list of jobs for Monday morning. I’m trying to get last minute holiday Monday to do them in person, but otherwise will use my break.

I’ve started a diary for him too, that was a great idea thank you. I also have a savings account that I will continue to add to.

OP posts:

Queenofpi · 06/10/2019 07:08

I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but wanted to say how sorry I am about your situation. It sounds awful and I really hope it gets resolved in a positive way for you and all your children, particularly the younger ones

stucknoue · 06/10/2019 07:27

As upsetting as it is to see it in writing, she's been caring for him since last year you say, legally she does need to be able to sign forms etc (you could have approached social services for help to make him come back but it's been a really long time). You need good legal advice but social services should be your first call who can tell you the options

Original poster

Thehop · 06/10/2019 07:46

I have been to social services twice, amongst other professionals. They say he’s in. I danger so it’s a private matter and that, over the age of 10, court will take his views into account and let him stay where he chooses.

We asked the police to bring him home once but they told us it was futile to keep doing it as he ran straight back there, and that they wouldn’t keep bringing him back and we should go to court as a private matter.

Brick walls at every turn when we’ve tried to get him home.

He did need a small operation 2 years ago and my mum took him to A&E in the night as he was staying overnight at her house. I couldn’t get there until about 2 hours later (she didn’t call me until they were already there and found out he was staying in for the op on a testicle and I had to breastfeed my baby before I could leave....must be almost 3 years ago then) and she gave permission for him to go to theatre with zero input from me, no questions were asked. Also, a few months ago, he had a routine medical appointment and she wanted him to have fissure seals. The dentist rang me and I agreed with them thy he wasn’t taking good care of his teeth and they may make him think he didn’t need to, so would revisit it in 6 months when he’d had a session with the hygienist and improved his dental care routine. He’s also had a doctors appointment that she booked and took him to (I found out because I got the text reminder from our surgery) so it doesn’t hinder her day to day care of him at all. I also have told school she can have the parent app and fill access to records etc there. There’s literally nothing she needs this official for other than to drive another nail in the coffin of me having any input into parenting him on the rare occasions that I do get to.

OP posts:

PavlovaFaith · 06/10/2019 10:46

He did send me a wreath a few months ago that he said he was looking forward to placing on my coffin.

Good god

Notsosimple · 06/10/2019 12:03

Thehop Make sure you take screenshots or have a backup of any messages you send, just in case you lose your phone or it stops working.

MyNewBearTotoro · 06/10/2019 12:22

Do your mother and brother see your other children? I would be ensuring they are on-contact with them both as much as possible as otherwise I think there is a risk they will try and lure your other DC in when they’re teens as well.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 06/10/2019 12:49

Good Grief re the Wreath !

MotherOfDragonite · 09/10/2019 10:56

The wreath is awful! I hate to say this, but your son sounds very damaged and I can well understand that it might be best if he stays where he is rather than bringing this kind of attitude into your family unit.

How are things, OP?

BarbariansMum · 09/10/2019 11:26

Leave your eldest where he is for now. Keep him and your mother/brother well away from your other children. Well away - change phone numbers, lock down social media, consider changing your younger childrens schools if they are the same one. You weren't able to protect him, you do need to protect them.

Gingerbreadsonme · 09/10/2019 12:34

I’d fight this OP - chances are, she’ll get what she wants given it’s already the status quo, but he is clearly being harmed psychologically by living there, and one day, when he breaks free of them, he’s going to need to know you fought for him. And you never know, if you take all your evidence of his behaviour and online activity, a court might just order a psychological evaluation and order that he stays with you. Of course it doesn’t mean he’ll come home, but that knowledge will be there (when he’s ready to accept it) that you did your best for him.

So sorry OP it’s heartbreaking. One of my teens was threatening to go live with his dad - and not break contact, just swap his residence, and I was panic stricken about that!

I really would advise getting proper legal advice if at all possible - direct access barrister may be the cheapest option.

babyrefusesfood · 10/10/2019 00:23

Having lots of money, some serious behaviour concerns, being around substances...any chance he’s involved with county lines stuff?

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