My DM is taking me to court over my DS

[Thehop]

Good evening

Apologies for using AIBU, I’m a bit desperate but will delete if not allowed.

My mother has send me a petition in the post todayfor a court appearance. I think the bare bones of it are that she wants PR and a residence order for my son. Though it also mentions she feels my other children are at significant risk of harm and abuse.

He’s 14, and after a few arguments with me he ran away to her house last year and he hasn’t spent a night here since.

He’s been thoroughly brainwashed by her and my brother and he now hates me with a passion.

I’m stumped. What do I do? I’m so sorry, I’m shaking and crying and don’t know where to get advice. Google is coming up blank. It’s all parents advice or advice for GP getting contact. I can’t find anything for a situation like this anywhere.

She’s reported me to SS previously but case closed as soon as they’d done a visit.

I work in early years and am terrified I could lose my other children and my job over her vindictive hatred.

Many thanks in advance for absolutely any advice.

The younger ones are 10,9 and 3. We live a very normal life.

My eldest dad and I separated when he was 9 weeks old and divorced when he was just over 1. He was abusive to us both. He had contact centre contact for a while then stopped contact.

My mother has put them back in touch, now, I believe.

I supppse I don’t do a lot. I message him weekly, and I invite him with us on holidays and to the house. I attended his music concerts and pre us evenings until he asked me not to. I have asked school to keep me up to speed with all his achievements and reports. I pay what ever I can into a savings account. I stopped paying her anything directly when things got really bad and now pay what I have to as a minimum and what I can afford into his savings. My mother gets maintainence from my ex husband for him, £370 a month. I don’t get child benefit etc since he moved out.

My mother has always been very selfish and has to have everything her own way. We had a good relationship for a long time because she was too dog and I did everything she wanted and towed the line all my life. She was instrumental in breaking up my significant relationships and took over a lot with the children when it suited her but was never any real sort of help that I needed. My dad was a great buffet but we lost him 4 years ago and things quickly went downhill. She didn’t even invite me to scatter his ashes.

One night soon after my son had run away after a fight she was here and shouting and screaming at me. I just have to take it but my husband shouted at her that he wouldn’t have this at home infrony of the kids and she should stop shouting or go.

She hasn’t spoken to me in a civil fashion since and her and my brother have kept up a steady stream of abuse and harassment. I’ve had SS referral, and an attempt to have me done for fraud for renting out my old house but not declaring it to name the big ones. (I’m not guilty of that so nothing came of it.) she also told tax credits thy I was married and working, but I’d already told them so couldnt Cause trouble there.

I dread to think what’s next.

I don’t oppose her wanting something official if he feels he wants that recognition. I can’t force him home. I do hope I can respond to the points raised and have it noted that the door is open and I’m doing it because he wants it rather than washing my hands so to speak. I worry than not fighting it looks to him like I don’t care though? That’s not what I want.

Given that he is 14 years old, it's likely that a Child Arrangements Order will be made outlining that he lives with his nan given that that is his wish, that he has been there for a substantial period of time, and that he has very limited contact with you. I'm sorry, OP.

OP you need legal help here. There's a brilliant children's law practice down in Fareham; if you may be entitled to Legal Aid I'm sure they will tell you so. They'll also tell you if you're too far away, and recommend someone closer. www.childrenslegalpractice.com/

If that's no go on cost grounds, the Coram Children's Legal Centre have a free initial advice helpline. www.childrenslegalcentre.com/get-legal-advice/child-and-family/

There's also a really excellent family law advice book for litigants in person (people representing themselves, which is increasingly common - judges tend to be sympathetic, especially when the other side does have representation) by a specialist, and well regarded, family barrister: www.amazon.co.uk/Family-Court-without-Lawyer-Litigants/dp/099358361X/ref=dp_ob_title_bk?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I would also ask @MNHQ to move this to Legal. There are practising solicitors on Mumsnet who may offer you guidance, far more reliably and effectively than the rest of us can.

Check you eligibility for legal aid here and in the x2 links contained in it -

www.familycourtinfo.org.uk/i-need/can-i-get-legal-aid/

To be honest though it does sound like your mother is applying for a court order to give legal effect to the status quo

Is mediation a possibility?

OP I'm a family solicitor. If she is making allegations of harm regarding your other children, you definitely should get legal advice. Lots of solicitors do a free initial appointment and a fixed fee for representation.

If your son is going to stay where he is, there's no need to oppose the application. The other children aren't subject to the proceedings but whether the court raises concerns about them will depend upon the content of the application and how strongly she has made the case against you.

I agree with other posters, you need a qualified legal professional as this seems very complex.
In the meantime, get it moved to legal where some in the know will be best placed to give you some pointers

I feel for you. My mother didn't take me to court but she caused so much trouble and told so many lies that my eldest daughter hasn't spoken to me for 15 years. It hurts like hell. She even convinced daughter that my ex had abused her; he was a total arsehole to me but NO way would he ever have touched or hurt a child. Once she had alienated that daughter she started on my youngest son and pourred the same sort of poison.

The thing is children and young teens are so impressionable and I bet my last £ she is telling yours all the things they want to hear and reinforcing all the petty reasons for your argument with him.

See a solicitor is all I can suggest. I am sorry, but I honestly doubt he will come home since he feels justified by his actions.

Assuming you’re in England/Wales, I would go and see CAB and ask if they can refer you to the bar pro-bono unit. You would need to do this urgently as it takes a while to sort out and they can’t accept everyone. This is an unusual case abs you would benefit from professional advice and representation. Alternatively, I would consider beg/borrowing to instruct a barrister directly. They’re more likely to act on a fixed fee so you know what you are paying up front. That said, you can ring round family law solicitors and see what their charges are. If they can only do an hourly rate, that will be pricey. Worth the money, but not much help if you don’t have it.

He had been a few times to see his siblings, but refuses to speak to me. He calls me by my name not mum and tells them when they’re older he’ll tell them the truth about me and help them get free too

Honestly, I'd keep him away from the other kids.

Op,
This doesn't help your legal situation at all, but will help when your boy returns to you, however far down the line. Write to him, as often as possible. Jyst little thoughts 'saw this and thought of you'. Postcards and pictures by his siblings. Little notes that show you are constantly thinking of him. And before you post any to him, take a copy. Keep that copy as a record, for you and him, of your connection to him. Those you send to him may not get through (thank you controlling granny), and those that do may be lost to hot emotions of youth.
Re the legal issues, have you tried the usual routes for advice (legal advice under home insurance, employers well being schemes - esp if you work for a local authority employee discounts could include legal advice). Failing that, your local Women's Centre may be able to help, esp if you are on a low income.

You have to show him (your mother, yourself, ss, school, anyone you need help from) that you are not giving up on him. You seem frightened of your mother and provoking a worse reaction in her, or conversely, frightened of doing the wrong thing to push your son further into her arms. OK, understand that. But you are his mother, and if she is as toxic as you believe, you have a duty to protect him from her. That goes as far as reporting your concern up to and including the police if she is harassing you by making false claims.

Many of us have challenging relation shops with our parents, and histories that we want to change when parenting our own children. I think there are perhaps three things to consider here.

1.GET URGENT LEGAL ADVICE

1. Take steps above, and more to build relationship with your skn - by any means. On the parenting teenagers board there is a great thread where youll find sympathy, and a good poem relevant to your situation about how teenagers need you to hold on tight to the rope they are thrashing at the end of.

1. Consider how you have got to this point, and the dynamics of your relationships with your parents. Whatever, whoever however it happened between the adults, it is not acceptable to be fighting over where a child lives. You all have to come together to change, and limit intergenerational conflict. I'd recommend the 'we took you to stately homes' thread.

Good luck

Why is that deleted?? It was just a question. Madness.

I would keep ensuring that you give him a full recollection of all his and your history so, your story not faltering will mean that eventually he may accept it and recognise the crazy of dm and his father. People like that cannot keep a sane front forever, all it needs is a moment of. Clarity for the truth to ring clear.

OP, sorry, I was confused - DM can well do this privately. Has she applied for PR and/or special guardianship/or what. You can share PR with her but not SG.

Thank you so much. The kids me and advice and pointers are so so useful.

I’m going to take some jewellery to the jewellers next week and see if I can raise enough for a solicitor.

The mum who’s been there, thank you for sharing your story. It’s horribke that other mums have been through this but I feel very comforted knowing I’m not alone in a funny way. I hope that makes sense? I’m very grateful any way.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond and share information. Much appreciated.

I’m going to the CAB on my afternoon off next week and will access all the other information you’ve shared/buy that book tonight.

OP they are formalising the current situation and there is no way for her to meddle with your other kids while they are living with you and their dad?

Post in the legal topic, someone may come with some suggestions during the weekend which hopefully can help you find the right legal advice first thing on Monday morning.

From your side, your main problem is that DM is only asking the court to give the admin ok to what's already happened and will go on happening. She will argue that having choice of schools etc will make their daily life easier for her. DS' preference of home will count.

Er, they're not planning to leave the country or anything are they? You may not have any say in any big life decisions for DS any more, so be wary this isn't the first step to something big round the corner.

Thank you old stripey. That’s actually a brilliant idea. I pay for his phone contract but DM has taken that out of his phone and given him a new one so I text him now I have that new number but don’t often get a response. He did send me a wreath a few months ago that he said he was looking forward to placing on my coffin.

I know it’s massively down to hormones and going where the grass is greener. He’s dripping in designer clothes, lives on Mac Donald’s and has the house to himself as she works odd hours......he now also is hugely homophobic and massively pro trump and Brexit. My friend has him on Facebook and says all he shares is anti Muslim propaganda and Britain first BS which is the polar opposite to our household.

Sadly, had my mother messaged me to discuss I would have seen the sense in her being able to make medical decisions at least and agreed to it if that was what he wanted. There’s really no need for this, it’s just an attempt to frighten me as is most of what they do.

My brother has a non moleatation order out against him by all but one of his ex girlfriends. He’s a hideous person and I’m very frightened of him. He’s engaged every solicitor in his ex girlfriends city when he was fighting her over their daughter so she couldn’t get a solicitor as it was a conflict of interest as, for a month or two, he had an appointment with them himself.

I just want peace from them and to have chance to see him.

Weirdly, her application states that I have no interest in him and never allow him here but 5 of my messages (unanswered) to him in September were inviting him over and telling him to have a good week/how’s school? etc.

Your mom sounds like my mil! She tired to chase merry hell and now she’s not allowed access to the younger two gc only the eldest (reasoning I actually do agree with as he has significant abandonment issues already) but she does manipulate him. Luckily she’s all hot air and keeps saying she’ll take us to court but she doesn’t actually want to parent him, just wants everyone to think she’s trying super hard.

I contacted the police and a solicitor but did most of it through my MH support worker(bipolar) I’d suggest CAB (mine used to work for CAB) like the other posters. We were all prepared for court but she didn’t want it, it’s hard and it takes its toll (especially when you’re already fucking mental like I am) keep your head high for now and keep reiterating to him how much you love him.

You poor thing
What she is doing sounds like 'parental alienation', look it up.
You definitely need legal advice - see if Citizens Advice can refer/signpost you to any solicitors who offer free or low cost help. Some do offer free initial consultations so I advise you to contact as many as possible (then they wouldn't be able to advise your mum due to conflict of interest).
For advice over the phone I suggest you try Child Law Advice (their website is good too) and the Rights of Women family law helpline.

As an aside, have you ever read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward or the Stately Homes thread? I suspect you'd have quite a few lightbulb moments.

Sorry you are going through this OP, but your mother sounds like a narcissist and she is brainwashing him.
Might be worth reading The Stately Homes threads on relationships to see if you recognise any of the red flags of dysfunctional families. ( your mother’s, not your’s)

Defamation on brother and mother’s behalf surely? I’d sue them! Why on earth does she want residency anyway? Can’t she just look after your son?
What a bitch! Take her to court yourself OP, before your children start believing your son’s lies too.
CAB can assist in this case. Don’t leave it to snowball any further.

Saw your update.

Speak to your employers. Inform them now what is happening - better to hear from you than a surprise. You need their support, and things could get worse before better.

Is your brother at home with mum? If so, that's alarming. Your son is living in the house where for much of the time the 'responsible adult', a shift worker, is not there, leaving brother the de facto carer of a vulnerable person. That's a very different position to going to live with lovely safe granny baking gingerbread.

Agree to nothing about medical treatment, schools, residency, etc until you have legal advice.

Keep a record of everything with him, and her. Every phone contact, every involvement with everyone in your household.

Make an urgent appointment to go to see his Head Teacher, or Head of Year at least. They need to know what's happening, under safeguarding. Yes, no doubt he'll be livid but you don't need his or her permission. No doubt there will have been a few lies told. If the school are good they will know their own safeguarding and will understand what to share and not with those with and without parental responsibility. Share the social media with them. They will have a duty to act if they are concerned he is at risk of being influenced/engaging/promoting extreme illegal views and/or terrorism. Seriously, don't assume what you see him share is the worst of it.

Please don't wait. If you have to take the hit of a day off to get urgent appts, do it.

www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/divorce-and-separation/parental-alienation/