Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to hate that people insist on using the word meltdown when they mean tantrum?

126 replies

Greysparkles · 05/10/2019 15:49

Constantly seeing threads toddlers and young children's having "meltdowns" when they really mean their child is having a tantrum.

I feel the use of it really diminishes the real meaning. I have a 10 year old who is prone to meltdowns. Proper sensory meltdowns and it is dangerous for him and others who happen to be near him at times. This is noy a tantrum and I find it a bit insulting that people are taking by the word to somehow insinuate how bad their kids tantrums are.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 05/10/2019 19:40

What I really hate is when parents of autistic children try to decide that they have a monopoly on an experience and that parents of children with mental health issues or PTSD or other forms of trauma or attachment disorder or various kinds of SN that don't happen to be autism can't possibly know about meltdowns because all their children can possibly have is tantrums.

greeentopmilk · 05/10/2019 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 05/10/2019 19:47

Our social worker used the word meltdown all the time with regards to my dd, who has various behavioural issues. It was much more than a typical 'tantrum' (I have another dd who would have normal tantrums)

YeOldeTrout · 05/10/2019 19:49

This used to come up a lot on MN about ... 12 yrs ago?

I can't agree with the word having a special reserved meaning -- sorry.
Besides, it's vague.
If you mean out of control then say "out of control."
If you mean "upset for hours afterwards and entirely unreasonable" then say "upset for hours afterwards and entirely unreasonable".

Otherwise nobody knows what you're dealing with, anyway.

Teachermaths · 05/10/2019 19:50

Meltdowns don't just happen to people with autism. Toddlers, children and adults can meltdown too. When my toddler has a meltdown he can't control anything and forgets whatever the initial cause was once the meltdown has ended. No amount of pleading, bargaining, helps. The only thing that works is letting him calm down enough for a cuddle.

Tantrums are different. He will instantly stop making a noise when the bargaining begins and most of the time can be distracted.

A meltdown isn't the preserve of the SEND community. It's a word than can apply to anyone.

corythatwas · 05/10/2019 19:53

When dd was having what-I-have-been-told-must-be-referred-to-as-tantrums-as-she-is-not-autistic she would typically scream, kick, hit and bite unless restrained, she would be unable to recognise people around her or understand what was being said to her. You could have promised her the earth and it wouldn't have made a blind bit of difference. Same with my db. In his case it was normally not a case of immediate sensory triggers, he had bad days when he seemed to go around deliberately trying to provoke somebody to say or do something that would allow him to go into that state. Once he was in that state, he was completely uncontactable, once kicked his way through a wooden door with his bare feet.
Dds meltdowns stopped around the age of 10 but were succeeded by panic attacks when she didn't know what she was doing, she has been known to come to in a tube station and realise it is 2 hrs later than when she went down there. But yeah tantrums, totally.

Peanutbutterforever · 05/10/2019 19:54

I don't think one part of the community can just commandeer a word, for their use only.

corythatwas · 05/10/2019 19:55

I had tantrums as a child, even as a 5yo I knew this was something different from what my db went through.

Original poster
Greysparkles · 05/10/2019 20:01

Where did I say NT children can't have meltdowns?

I'm not as eloquent as some of the posters on this thread, but what I'm talking about is people who are labelling tantrums as meltdowns

"oh little Jimmy has a massive meltdown when I told him he couldn't have that toy in the shop"

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 05/10/2019 20:07

Greysparkles
It's been clear from the start what you mean, but as this thread suggests there's a motivation to deliberately use meltdown for tantrum because it simultaneously sounds more socially acceptable, whilst being essentially the same thing so it doesn't matter anyway.

Howlovely · 05/10/2019 20:34

This all sounds a little bit 'my dad is bigger than your dad'. The word 'meltdown' wasn't coined by medical professionals to describe the specific features of an autistic crisis. The AS community don't own the phrase. An NT person can absolutely experience a meltdown due to sensory overload/overwhelm. I really don't think you can police people's language when they are describing a tough day with their toddler. In the bigger scheme of things, what's it to you anyway? Does it take something away from you or your family? Does it make you feel less special, for want of a better word, because your child has actual AS meltdowns rather than just a bog-standard toddler meltdown experienced by probably every single parent in the world? You don't own meltdowns I'm afraid.
As a PP said, most of us have probably heard or used the phrase '...had a fit/threw a fit...' and most of us would understand that it's just a way of describing being in a rage rather than nitpick and think the person had an actual epileptic fit.
I can't imagine anyone, when discussing their NT child, would ever say, 'my child had an absolute autistic crisis in Tesco yesterday' because that is specifically describing something a person with autism may experience. They can quite appropriately, however, say, ' my child had a meltdown in Tesco yesterday' because that is their interpretation of it.

Pinkypurple35 · 05/10/2019 20:39

No, my normally calm and compliant DD once had a 2 hour meltdown out of character, crying, hitting, completely over whelmed and was absolutely worn out afterwards. It was completely different than a tantrum.

LolaSmiles · 05/10/2019 20:42

This all sounds a little bit 'my dad is bigger than your dad'.
Not really.
It's like there's a scuffle or brawl.
Calling a scuffle a brawl overeggs the situation quite deliberately for whatever reason and minimising a brawl by calling it a scuffle trivialises it.

PrincessandthePeach · 05/10/2019 20:45

Yeah I totally agree OP. I associate 'meltdown' with ASD as well.

Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 20:50

Yeah I totally agree OP. I associate 'meltdown' with ASD as well.

And I associate burgers with mcdonalds.

It doesnt mean only Macdonald's do burgers.

Teachermaths · 05/10/2019 21:01

I get what you are saying OP. Meltdowns and tantrums are different. Tantrums come with a slight angle of judgement re shit parenting whereas meltdowns are seen as out of parental control.

I wouldn't get overly worked up about it though. Language is constantly evolving and changing.

LolaSmiles · 05/10/2019 21:04

Hesafriendfromwork
But I wouldn't give someone a beef burger when they've ordered a chicken burger as they're different things, regardless of anyone who says "theyre both meat patties in a bun so they're essentially the same thing really".

Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 21:11

LolaSmiles that doesnt make sense.

Just because one person associates a word to one thing, doesnt mean that one thing is all that word can be used for.

Tantrums and meltdowns arenr the same. It's not for the OP to say what word someone can use.

If someone ordered a chicken burger but actually wanted a beef burger, the only person impacted is them by labelling it incorrectly.

If a patent says their child is having a meltdown, that's up to them. Non of us can claim the word. My asd son can have a tantrum, he also has meltdowns. Its nor for anyone else to tell me what's happening with my child

That does the same for parents of NT children

georgialondon · 05/10/2019 21:13

Language evolves. It's used to mean tantrum too. I wouldn't sweat it.

LolaSmiles · 05/10/2019 21:17

The OP hasnt said that meltdowns are only for those with ASD. They've correctly said that tantrums and meltdowns are different so calling a tantrum a meltdown is ridiculous and downplays what a meltdown actually is.

People can't just decide everyone has to accept their personal definition of a word, so someone calling their DP a husband can't complain when people (correctly) point out they aren't married and so he is not their husband. Equally, they can't complain when people see the main r ason they choose to use hudbandnis because they prefer the associations.

Same for tantrum and meltdown. All kids have tantrums. It's not a personal criticism. It's not a parenting failure. It's life. So someone calling their kid's tantrum a meltdown because they think tantrum reflects badly on them as a parent/other people's badly behaved kids have tantrums but mine wouldn't etc are misusing the word meltdown because it suits them (just like someone who calls their DP husband because they think it sounds more committed etc).

TrainspottingWelsh · 05/10/2019 21:27

Agree with pps, meltdowns aren't unique to autism.

And agree with cory The world isn't split between autistic people and nt people. Other forms of sn and mental health problems are also available.

Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 21:45

They've correctly said that tantrums and meltdowns are different so calling a tantrum a meltdown is ridiculous and downplays what a meltdown actually is.

Yes and I agreed. But who is anyone to decide that a parent is wrong when they say it's a meltdown.

Children with asd also have tantrums. My son has when he hasnt got his own way. Would you tell a parent of a child with ASD, that actually in this occasion their child was having a tantrum not a meltdown? No you wouldn't. So dont do the same to parents of NT children. They know their kids better than anyone and may have information you dont. It may appear to a tantrum but actually 10 other things have happened that day and its a meltdown.

LolaSmiles · 05/10/2019 21:49

I see what you mean.

Though I think the OP gave an example of a NT child wants a toy in a shop so has a strop because parents have said no. We all know that run of the mill toddler strop so it's a bit much if someone starts passing it off as more than a normal tantrum .

SallyWD · 05/10/2019 22:12

I didn't know there was a difference. I often say meltdown for tantrum..... Sorry.

Alittleodd · 05/10/2019 22:21

The OP may not have said that NT kids can't have meltdowns but it was certainly implied elsewhere in the thread. Or so I feel. I definitely interpreted some comments that way.

And I am usually Queen of "but words have meanings you can't just change them whenever you feel like it" land however in this case "meltdown" was a colloquialism in the first place and so I'm not sure it really applies.

Swipe left for the next trending thread