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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to hate that people insist on using the word meltdown when they mean tantrum?

126 replies

Greysparkles · 05/10/2019 15:49

Constantly seeing threads toddlers and young children's having "meltdowns" when they really mean their child is having a tantrum.

I feel the use of it really diminishes the real meaning. I have a 10 year old who is prone to meltdowns. Proper sensory meltdowns and it is dangerous for him and others who happen to be near him at times. This is noy a tantrum and I find it a bit insulting that people are taking by the word to somehow insinuate how bad their kids tantrums are.

OP posts:
Studentist12 · 05/10/2019 18:09

There's no real difference in the meanings of the terms. Autism.org.uk says "A meltdown is ‘an intense response to overwhelming situations’". This can be why a tantrum happens. Just because it's now associated with autism doesn't mean it's medically unique or significant.

More pressing are issues of people imagining that feeling normal anxiety is anything like a (medically defined) panic attack. Or feeling annoyed by something being a (medically defined) trigger in post traumatic stress disorder.

GooseFeather · 05/10/2019 18:21

I will happily accept that the impact of an autistic meltdown may potentially be substantially longer lasting than that of a NT child. I will not accept that only autistic children can have a meltdown and that it is somehow reserved for only their use.

ChasingRainbows19 · 05/10/2019 18:35

I work with NT children and those on the spectrum. The word meltdown was probably used before autism was recognised for different reasons. It's just a word. Some children have more than a tantrum and is an expression of frustration and behaviour which all children can show regardless.

I'm sure people aren't thinking oh 'meltdown' is excusable an due to the autism meaning and is better than tantrum so I'll use thatConfused they may actually feel like their child has had a meltdown.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 05/10/2019 18:46

Meltdowns have nothing to do with wanting things, they are brought on by sensory overload and the child is absolutely overwhelmed with some or all of the sights sounds tastes touch, smells and intensity of lights in a particular place, to the point that they are totally disorientated and cannot distinguish one sensory input from another.

And? Surely you're not suggesting that NT children can't experience this? I don't think anything you've written here justifies an argument for the word being co-opted for exclusive use by parents of those on the spectrum.

Mydumboears · 05/10/2019 18:48

YABU.

Poppinjay · 05/10/2019 18:52

I think lots of toddlers have meltdowns, triggered by an inability to cope with or understand the emotions they are experiencing.

Sometimes the adults' responses to meltdowns can lead to the behaviour being repeated with a level of intent to achieve a similar outcome and this is then a tantrum.

Tantrums are usually goal driven, the child is able to communicate, remains aware of their surroundings and can calm down quickly (whether or not they achive their goal).

Meltdowns are a loss of control, severe distress, rendering the person unable to process language or thought and need to run their course. They can be triggered by not getting something the person wants but the cause is usually an accumulation of stress, overwhelming emotions, sensory overload, exhaustion, and/or other factors not linked to something that person wants. They are not goal driven and even if the thing they were denied that triggered the meltdown is then offered, it does not reduce or end the meltdown.

It has made me angry when people have seen my autistic DD in meltdown and labeled it as a tantrum, especially when the labeller was a member of school staff who was keen to blame her anxiety and difficulties in school on my parenting.

june2007 · 05/10/2019 18:53

Melt downs happen to adults to. Can be caused by ASD, but also mental health issues, stress PTSD, Grieving. it may take a form of a tantrum but not alwasys.

Runningsmooth · 05/10/2019 18:59

How do you know their toddler doesn't have asd too and just hasn't been diagnosed yet?

I don't use the word but I don't think we should police the words other people use unless they are racist, homophobic disabilist etc.

Countryescape · 05/10/2019 19:01

Bit precious. Lighten up

hazeyjane · 05/10/2019 19:02

I have 3 children, one with additional needs due to a genetic condition and 2 without any additional needs.

I have no issue with anyone using meltdown....although maybe as ds doesn't have autism (although does have autistic traits) some would take issue with it being used for him. Is it strictly only to be used for people with Autism?

recrudescence · 05/10/2019 19:03

On a more general point, attempts to control language like this are rarely successful. People are going to use meltdown ‘wrongly’ whatever your legitimate objections.

PinkyU · 05/10/2019 19:04

I don’t think the OP has said or suggested that NT people can’t have meltdowns.

They are saying that conflating a tantrum (an exertion of power or decision making) and a meltdown (an emotionally destabilising event) is unhelpful as it diminishes the latter.

Though I do think that those that are saying they refuse to describe their child’s behaviour as a tantrum due to how that is socially perceived are part of the problem and horribly selfish.

Rachelover60 · 05/10/2019 19:07

One definition of 'meltdown':

'Frustration, anxiety, stress, upset, and depression: Together they can lead to an emotional eruption, or what some people call a “meltdown.” Sometimes you feel so emotionally overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings that you can no longer control them or hide them from others.'

I think it's not a bad description.

LolaSmiles · 05/10/2019 19:08

That's how I understood it too Pinky.

They're pointing out that they aren't the same thing so describing one as the other (usually because of how it sounds/appears) diminishes the very real experience of a meltdown.

It's like when people decide they are a 'a bit OCD' instead of being quite tidy, which diminishes the reality of OCD.

londonrach · 05/10/2019 19:08

Yabu..a meltdown is to do with a nuclear power station. My dad gets upset if i use the word brillant for good as its correct use is for a lightbulb. He wouldnt agree anything else. Language changes over time

Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 19:09

There'a a huge difference between the two, recognised by parents of autistic kids which parents of NT kids won't have seen and mostly don't understand”

I am a parent of both. Both have had melt downs. My sons are more frequent and can happen in situations that NT people completely fine.

That doesnt mean that my NT daughter hanst had meltdowns, not tantrums.

WhenYouCantRunYouCrawl · 05/10/2019 19:09

Definition of meltdown in English:
meltdown
NOUN
1A disastrous collapse or breakdown.

‘the global financial system suffered a major meltdown’

1.1informal An uncontrolled emotional outburst or a mental collapse.

‘the story will revolve around her meltdown following the accident’

You're being ridiculous. It's a word that describes an emotional outburst. It isn't "owned" by the SEN community.

Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 19:11

It's like when people decide they are a 'a bit OCD' instead of being quite tidy, which diminishes the reality of OCD.

Ita not the same though. OCD is a medical term. Creates for a medical condition. Meltdown is a word that relates to power stations. It has been used by medical professionals, but that doesnt mean it's a term that only relates autisim, because it's been used in that context for a bit.

LolaSmiles · 05/10/2019 19:22

I'm not saying it only links to ASD.

I'm pointing out words have meanings and people who deliberately take one meaning and apply it to something else disingenuously do so knowingly for whatever agenda that have.

In this situation it isn't a case of meltdown as in power meltdown Vs autism as that's words changing across sectors and contexts.
It's a case of "meltdown to refer to a specific type of overload" being used to describe a perfectly normal tantrum. Those doing it know exactly what they're doing and are doing it because they think meltdown sounds more acceptable.

There's quite a bit of people rewriting words to mean what they like.
E.g. choosing to call an unmarried male partner their husband (you're not married, he's not a husband, you can perceive him as a husband all you like but calling someone your husband when you aren't married is down deliberately to borrow the associations of marriage in a way that misrepresents the situation).

SunMoonRainShine · 05/10/2019 19:28

It does irk me a bit, too. I know 'meltdown' doesn't necessarily have a medical meaning, but it has come to refer to a particular type of emotional outburst due to i.e. sensory overload, to differentiate it from your average goal oriented tantrum i.e. when toddler wants/doesn't like something.

I do think that knowing this differentiation is an important one especially when talking about ASD, using one word to describe the other thing is unhelpful.

MitziK · 05/10/2019 19:29

A nuclear meltdown is a colloquial term for an event where the normal controlling systems are unable to perform their function, the core overheats in a now uncontrollable reaction and there is a release of considerable energy in the form of radioactivity.

A child, for whatever reason, is unable to respond to the usual methods of reducing agitation, resulting in there being a build up of emotions that becomes uncontrollable or overwhelming with a release of considerable energy in the form of crying, screaming, aggression, destruction and other commonly seen as undesirable behaviours.

Meltdown is perfectly appropriate to use in the context of both neurotypical and autistic people - the usual methods of handling the emotions haven't worked, whether it's because they are tired, hungry, in pain, overstimulated, their routine has been changed, somebody has snapped at them, they've been scared - and their emotions, like nuclear fission, have intensified until they are unable to defuse or control their response even if they wanted to. Once the energy has been released, whether it's a short event or prolonged, both NT and Autistic children are usually spent, as nuclear rods are.

Gatekeeping because you believe it reduces your child's responses to being merely that of being a spoiled brat denied ice cream for breakfast is unhelpful - if nothing else because keeping the phrase for 'yourself' puts autistic children in a separate category along with deadly technology. All children can have meltdowns. All children can have tantrums. Neither is exclusive to NT or non-NT children. Fortunately for NT children, as they get older, they tend to learn to have greater awareness and control over their reactions, as do non-NT children and adults, the latter unfortunately remain more vulnerable to them due to circumstances that might not affect others as significantly.

I'm not NT. I can be angry, frustrated and a fucking brat as much as anybody else. I can also have meltdowns, but I can see when they are likely to be triggered and try to avoid them/being with people when they're on their way. The triggers might vary, I'm certainly a hell of lot more likely to flip and have to get the fuck out if I'm trapped in a supermarket with a million people, bright lights, shit stacked in the aisles and somebody is yelling at some shop assistant because they haven't got x product in stock, but I'm a middleaged woman who has had the best part of fifty years to learn to deal with the feelings of everything being too loud, too bright, too cluttered and too much out of my control. I'm not four and completely unable to articulate why I'm feeling this way.

SunMoonRainShine · 05/10/2019 19:32

I don't think tantrum is a bad word, all toddlers have them, there's nothing wrong with that! They're learning and growing and that's part of how they do that.

pasbeaucoupdegendarme · 05/10/2019 19:32

It’s only on mn that I’ve come across a belief that this word should be “protected”. As I understand it, it doesn’t have a specific medical meaning so really we can’t take ownership of it in this way.

SunMoonRainShine · 05/10/2019 19:37

MitziK

I don't think one word should be reserved for NT people and one for people with ASD. I just think it is better to have specific words for different kinds of emotional responses, regardless of who is having them. It just makes conversations easier and more clear,that's all!

LolaSmiles · 05/10/2019 19:38

pasbeaucoupdegendarme
Tell that to Joe Blogs on the street after 50 pages of so called vegans arguing their occasional consumption of eggs, non vegan cake, fish etc still makes them vegan.
Grin
Most people know what the main definition of words are

Put it one way, if tantrum and meltdown are one and the same and nothing more than synonyms then surely there'd be no need for labelling commonly known and experienced tantrums as anything else.