To not tell anyone I'm using egg donor

[WantToBeMum]

New member, first post
I'm single, early 40s, trying to have a baby. I had some fertility treatment using sperm donor, it didn't work. I was open about using a donor as I'm single. Friends and family were accepting of it, but it did raise eyebrows.
As treatment had not worked I had tests repeated and was told my AMH is too low, I no longer have my own eggs to use. I'm devastated!
Egg donation was suggested - "double donation" using egg and sperm donor - and I've decided to go for it. I don't have any concerns about this, I will think of the child as my own.
My AIBU is: I don't want to tell anyone I'm using egg donor during my treatment and for the first few years if successful. I fear comments and worry I'll be constantly reminded the child is not biologically mine.
I do plan to be honest and open with the child when they reach appropriate age so it will come out naturally then.
Please don't reply suggesting adoption/fostering, I'm well aware of the benefits of both but I'm looking for advice about this situation only please.
Long post, thanks for reading!

Your business. No one else’

You don't need to tell anyone anything. It is no-ones business except your own.

Definitely don't tell! Nobody else's business. If nosy people ask, "Why would you ask me that?!" with a puzzled look should shut that line of enquiry down!

Good luck.

If you can afford it the go for it.

Donation is a bit of a 'myth word', you are buying the eggs I assume and so must be financially secure

Nope don’t tell them! And if you do when you’re child is older just make it casual. Because it IS totally normal and casual!

Have you thought about how you’ll answer if they ask ‘oh did you go with donation in the end’? I’m not asking you to answer it for me but I would prepare for that question.

And if you do when you’re child is older just make it casual

There can't be an if in teh days of ancestry DNA

A woman who wants but cant afford IVF will be offers dates chance to donate eggs in order for 'free IVF". The OP will then effectively pay for both IVF

That woman may never have her own child from these eggs and the OP may. There may be multiple children. It is very complex

Of course she will register on DNA sites (as will the potential siblings)

I think it's less complex with female donors since women don't produce millions of eggs so the number of potential offspring is reduced. Plus women don't go from clinic to clinic donating their eggs. The procedure is too invasive to just willy nilly handing out eggs

OP - why do you think you have to tell anyone? It's none of anyone's business. I'd just make a pint of telling your child as early as you can, just as one would do with adoption.

*point not pint

I think the only person who has a right to know is your child.

Your business, no need to tell anybody (except child of course)

It is very important the child knows.

It's no-one's business but yours and your child's. Good luck.

If you aren’t open with family from the start will it cause you difficulty to be open with the child from when they are very small?

Hello,

Try to hang in there, this must be highly emotional for you. Don't worry about anyone else's comments or judgements. We can never escape from these as people around us will always have something to say or provide unsolicited advice! It has no existential relevance to you at all, the most important thing person in this situation is you. If you feel satisfied and happy to proceed, then go for it!

Think about how many children are born to both biological parents and end up with dysfunctional lives. I personally do not believe that any child needs to be genetically related to a parent/caregiver. What matters is what you have said, that you will think of him/her as your own :)

It’s nobody else’s business but yours.

I wish you all the luck in the world and every success

I don't think donation is a myth word. A friend of mine donated (in the UK)--she was refunded only medical costs and did not make any money out of the act. She did it because she was moved by the plight of women who were desperate for a child, and did not want any children of her own so felt like her healthy eggs were just being wasted.

I think the OP should disclose as much as she wants to at this stage, obviously. On the other hand, having the fact "come out" later might look a bit awkward--like she was trying to hide it. I personally would be open with everyone from the start if it was me. Her choice, ultimately, however.

I agree with everyone else... Only your business... No one else's but your child. Good luck!

I’d be open from the start, that way it will be natural to the child and they will know no different. Keeping it a secret and revealing at some point could open up a whole can of worms.

My only concern is how you will feel when EVERYONE says just how much your child looks like you. It will happen. People say this stuff. As long as it doesn’t upset you then say whatever you want to say. Good luck xx

None of their business ever so go ahead, wishing you the best of luck!!

Good luck and YANBU

Agree with PPs.
Your business fully.
Go for it and best of luck.

Completely your business, good luck!

It’s nobody’s business but yours.

Completely your business. Don’t tell anyone unless you want and then your child when they are old enough to understand.

Donation is not a myth word. What a strange thing to say. There are women out there that donate eggs for others. Also women who ‘egg share’ to ease the cost of ivf but it’s still a choice to donate.