To not tell anyone I'm using egg donor

[WantToBeMum]

New member, first post
I'm single, early 40s, trying to have a baby. I had some fertility treatment using sperm donor, it didn't work. I was open about using a donor as I'm single. Friends and family were accepting of it, but it did raise eyebrows.
As treatment had not worked I had tests repeated and was told my AMH is too low, I no longer have my own eggs to use. I'm devastated!
Egg donation was suggested - "double donation" using egg and sperm donor - and I've decided to go for it. I don't have any concerns about this, I will think of the child as my own.
My AIBU is: I don't want to tell anyone I'm using egg donor during my treatment and for the first few years if successful. I fear comments and worry I'll be constantly reminded the child is not biologically mine.
I do plan to be honest and open with the child when they reach appropriate age so it will come out naturally then.
Please don't reply suggesting adoption/fostering, I'm well aware of the benefits of both but I'm looking for advice about this situation only please.
Long post, thanks for reading!

It’s no-one’s business but yours and your child’s.

The only thing I would say is, I would look into treatment abroad versus treatment in the UK. Waiting lists can be long here, and some clinics only offer egg-share, which reduces your chances.

OP can I send you a message?

Yanbu it’s personal and up to you

It's totally up to you although if the child wont be biologically yours could you consider adoption? No judgement because I understand that some women really want to experience carrying the baby but personally if DD wasnt biologically mine or DHs then I wouldn't have been bothered about the pregnancy part- it was raising a child that was important to me.

It's totally up to you although if the child wont be biologically yours could you consider adoption?

Did you not bother to read the opening post? Please don't reply suggesting adoption/fostering, I'm well aware of the benefits of both but I'm looking for advice about this situation only please.

The op has already considered adoption and decided it isn’t for her.

Given the non biological link surely you would tell family rather than have them believe it’s their biological niece, grandchild etc.

What I meant by myth is that egg donation used to be women who had already had children who donated eggs as an act of goodwill.

Depending on where you are accessing IVF it is now likely to be younger women who are 'donating' or sharing eggs to fund their own treatment.

I personally think that you should be able to sell eggs- so not raising an ethical objection. Just saying that it may be hard in the future as your child may make links quite easily with the egg donor who may never have had a child.

This is a link, interestingly it says the egg you donate will be fertilised with the other women's partner sperm- so I assume they don't treat singles or those who would be using a donor sperm. I wonder if that is to protect the baby legally as it has at least 1 biological parent it will be raised by?

www.bournhall.co.uk/fees-funding/free-ivf-options/free-ivf-cycle-for-egg-sharers/

Thanks for all of your comments, very helpful and encouraging to read

@hiddenworlds Yes I am financially secure. The egg donor does not receive payment for donating but the medical costs are covered.

@hiddenworlds and the donor is "open" so that when the child becomes adult they can choose to make contact with the donor and find out about genetic siblings, etc.

@DrFarah Thanks, your comment actually makes me feel more comfortable about being open about this!

@sheshootssheimplores I think it's actually the opposite that worries me - that if I tell people I used an egg donor they would always be looking and commenting about the child not looking like me.

If you dont want to tell people then you absolutely shouldn't!

Its nobody elses business.

Good luck!

@BoudicasBoudoir thanks for this suggestion, I hadn't thought about looking abroad. Do you know much about this - any suggestions of where would be good?

@Bluetac19 Yes send me a message

I have a few friends who have used egg donors to have their children. Two of them went to Cyprus, and they were ‘matched’ with the donor in terms of build/colouring etc.
Might be worth investigating. For what it’s worth though, they have all been very open with their children from the very start about their donors and their children are very well adjusted as a result.

Have a look on the donor conception board. Always plenty of discussion about various clinics/options.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/donor_conception

It’s entirely your business at present . No need to tell anybody . Good luck . Tell your child when you’re ready , they’re old enough to understand .

Yes, YANBU to go ahead and not tell anyone, totally your business. Good luck!! (No further advice as I know nothing about it though - sorry).

No need to tell anyone.

My cousins have a dd with an egg donor. They were open about it but honestly I forget all the time! I even think she looks like her mum (as in, my cousin who carried her and birthed her, from a donor egg) so 🤷

If I were your parents I'd feel deceived that you didn't tell me the child is not biologically yours, but if you're okay with that then don't tell. It's not as easy being 'casual' with it to the child, however, as they have a right to know (and if you use a UK donor it's not anonymous) and may be affected by it.

You would have very odd friends and family if they constantly commented on how child wasn’t yours biologically, you also pick donor that has your skin colouring hair and eyes so that is limited
Also if you look at advise on donor sibling registry ( your child may have half siblings all around the world). They advise tell the child young about their conception, similar to the advise given to adoptive parents it shouldn’t be a shock later on, our donor baby was in hospital and we had to repeatedly confirm genetics as it was relevant
Keeping it a secret suggests shame
People are curious, and we happily answer questions , check out amazon their are kiddie story books to help you tell the child
Good luck !

I am single with double donor conceived twins who are now 8. I told close family and friends re egg donor but not wider circle/acquaintances. Those who know often forget anyway. I don't think my kids particularly look like me but people say they do - people see what they expect to see!! My children have always known about the donors and we continue to talk about it from time to time as they get older and understand more about the implications of them not being genetically related to me.
As they get older I am increasingly aware that their donor conception is as much (if not more so) their story and information to share rather than mine. So I tend to say less about it now than I did when they were little.
I would advocate telling the child from the very start (good to practice when they are a baby so you know what you want to say when they are bigger). But telling others is entirely your choice.
Be aware that the medical profession may need to know and think about what you want to say if people do ask so you are prepared.
Several good Facebook groups for Solo mums/mums to be if you do Facebook. Also Fertility Friends forum. And join the Donor Conception Network for great info and support.
PM me if you'd like more info on FB groups etc - there is a large solo mum community out there and we are happy to chat :-)
Good luck with your treatment...

Only your business. Isn't science wonderful!
Remember that although the tiny embryo isn't genetically yours, you will be the one feeding it and nourishing it into a human child. Everything it has will come from you.
And IF anyone says that the child doesn't look like you, just say that they look a lot like your Aunty Mabel (which may actually be true)
Good luck!

Totally up to you. We were planning to use a donor as our first child died of a genetic condition and would have told people we used a donor but not whether it was an egg or sperm donor. Good luck with your treatment!