To not tell anyone I'm using egg donor

[WantToBeMum]

New member, first post
I'm single, early 40s, trying to have a baby. I had some fertility treatment using sperm donor, it didn't work. I was open about using a donor as I'm single. Friends and family were accepting of it, but it did raise eyebrows.
As treatment had not worked I had tests repeated and was told my AMH is too low, I no longer have my own eggs to use. I'm devastated!
Egg donation was suggested - "double donation" using egg and sperm donor - and I've decided to go for it. I don't have any concerns about this, I will think of the child as my own.
My AIBU is: I don't want to tell anyone I'm using egg donor during my treatment and for the first few years if successful. I fear comments and worry I'll be constantly reminded the child is not biologically mine.
I do plan to be honest and open with the child when they reach appropriate age so it will come out naturally then.
Please don't reply suggesting adoption/fostering, I'm well aware of the benefits of both but I'm looking for advice about this situation only please.
Long post, thanks for reading!

@Newoneonherr what you’ve said is really nasty. Of course OP would be the child’s mother and because she so desperately wants the child she’s likely to love it a lot more and be a better mother than plenty of biological parents around.

Adoption should always be done for the child. Never for the parents.
We adopted because we wanted to have a family but our DCs needed a family, and all concerned thought we were the next best option after birth family. Adoption isn't ordering from a catalogue.

That’s completely at odds with what I have heard, dr

Perhaps the motivation is not important. Nonetheless, what can’t be argued with is that many perfectly competent parents would not be approved to adopt and so if they want a family, other options need to be investigated.

many perfectly competent parents would not be approved to adopt
I'm not sure how this links to your previous statement but I take issue with this as well.
If you are not approved to adopt there are TBF a few possible reasons:
Criminal convictions against children or for violence: I don't think these people should be parents.
Unresolved trauma from childhood: an example might be if an adult says "I was abused but I just try to forget about it". Should sort this out before parenting.
Long term chronic illness or MUCH shortened life expectancy - could they cope with a child with a disability? What if a birth child had a disability? Should be explored before having any child.
Fixated on genetics (my DM is like this): should resolve this before having any child, what if they aren't Daddy's spitting image and/or don't like the same things and/or aren't as bright as their parents?
Existing children may not cope with difficult child: should be explored before adding any child to family as that child could also have behaviour needs.

I was thinking more no experience with children, not having a spare bedroom, smoking, no family support.

Obviously people with criminal convictions for violence wouldn’t be approved to adopt

No experience with children is easy to fix as is smoking. You don't need a spare bedroom beyond the one for the actual child.

upatthesky Heard from who? Your sources on adoption sound extremely controversial to say the least.

Really?

Why is it controversial to suggest that the primary motivating factor to adopt a child should be wanting a child - wanting to be a parent, that is? I’m honestly not in any way being argumentative or difficult here, not intentionally at any rate but all the literature I have come across is indicative of the fact that people who want to ‘rescue’ a child are misguided.

Another thanks for all of your comments. It's interesting to hear other opinions and giving me lots to think about. To answer a few points:
Yes I would tell the child about their conception honestly and openly. Both sperm and egg donor are non-anonymous, meaning that a child would be allowed to make contact when they are old enough and find out about their genetic background and biological siblings. I would welcome, even encourage this, but I would still think of myself as the mother and the child as my child. For me, there is more to being a mother than generating the original cells.
Adoption: It's not that I'm against it, I have actually looking into it. Unfortunately in the area I live in there are so few adoptions taking place these days, and so many people willing to do it, that I could wait for years and years and never manage to create a family that way, never reach the top of the queue. IVF is something I am able to do now.
I plan to continue treatment with donor egg and sperm, friends and family already know about the donor sperm use. But after reading all of your thoughts I'm now leaning towards telling immediate family about using donor egg only if I am successful in conceiving, and not telling wider family or friends at all.

And to those of you who have commented that you have been a donor - I'm really in awe of you and grateful there are such selfless people in the world.

people who want to ‘rescue’ a child are misguided.
That's not what I said.
The point of adoption is to find a home for a child that needs a home. Clearly that home should be a willing home but it should also be a suitable home.
The point of adoption is NEVER to find a child for a home.

Adding my two penises worth...

I think immediate family should know and if you're successful your child should know. I think it will be important for your child to know if they have any siblings and if the donor is young and childless but suffers in any way your child could be informed, as it is an open egg donor, that it was entirely their choice and it was not a commercial arrangement.

All age-appropriate but I can't think why you wouldn't be open with close family from the start, the child may not be biologically related to you but you will be the mother.

As you say the donor will be 'open' what does she think, or how does she want to be involved?

I have a child who was born using an egg donor. We’ve been totally honest with him from a very young age, he is 8 and knows my eggs didn’t work properly so somebody gave us one of theirs. I don’t tell everybody but immediate family know. I do know that research shows that children that have adoption/ donation news sprung on them in teenage years often struggle with the news, so it was important that our child grows up always knowing.

No-one needs to know.

All the best!

Also the Donor Conception Network does a huge range of material to discuss with kids that is very age appropriate. www.dcnetwork.org/products/product/our-story-double-donation-mum-and-dad-families-single-baby

Also, we did tell medical professionals etc for obvious reasons.

I think telling close family about using donor eggs is sensible. And yes by all means only if/when you conceive so they don't feel they have any right to pass judgement on your decision.

You need to be aware too that if you plan to be open with the child from as soon as they're old enough to understand, this may mean them knowing from quite a young age. In trying to get their head round it all, they may tell cousins, etc. So in the long run your wider family (and friends) quite possibly will get to find out. If it's too be your child's story to tell, you have to be prepared that they may want to tell it. And it might in fact be easier to be open with them about it if you're also open with other people. Hard for it not to be a big secret for your child to carry otherwise.

When I was pregnant with DC2 my 3.5 year old was fascinated by how the baby was growing inside me, and also how it got there. He had absolutely no sense of discretion and told everyone everything he knew....

Obviously I have no idea what people say behind my back but I really haven't had the looking and commenting thing at all. In general I've had loads of positive experiences.

I once shared with some one that DS is an egg sharing donor baby (same system you describe) only for them to say "us too"!

Family resemblances aren't always overwhelming. My family is mixed race so my parents don't look as much like me and my sibling as we look like each other.

By the way I want to acknowledge that there are people who think having children while too young, too old, too poor, too disabled or too busy is selfish as is choosing to be child free. They're probably not going to be my closest mum friends though

"The Two Week Wait" by Sarah Rayner is well worth reading.

@WantToBeMum I am 28 weeks pregnant with double donation. My husband has azoospermia. I know lots or donor sperm ladies and a couple of dd's like me.

We are quite open about it but that has been my journey - it was very tough to get here and I needed support and to be able to discuss freely. Most folk don't care they are just happy for you! We will tell child as part of birth story.

Suggest checking out donor conception network - very supportive and helpful. Good luck and feel free to PM if you want to discuss further with someone who has taken that route.

Not for the first time someone commented today "Oh look, you're so good at blah talent DC obviously gets their blah talent from you!" totally sincere and spontaneous.

Your business
Good luck