To not tell anyone I'm using egg donor

[WantToBeMum]

New member, first post
I'm single, early 40s, trying to have a baby. I had some fertility treatment using sperm donor, it didn't work. I was open about using a donor as I'm single. Friends and family were accepting of it, but it did raise eyebrows.
As treatment had not worked I had tests repeated and was told my AMH is too low, I no longer have my own eggs to use. I'm devastated!
Egg donation was suggested - "double donation" using egg and sperm donor - and I've decided to go for it. I don't have any concerns about this, I will think of the child as my own.
My AIBU is: I don't want to tell anyone I'm using egg donor during my treatment and for the first few years if successful. I fear comments and worry I'll be constantly reminded the child is not biologically mine.
I do plan to be honest and open with the child when they reach appropriate age so it will come out naturally then.
Please don't reply suggesting adoption/fostering, I'm well aware of the benefits of both but I'm looking for advice about this situation only please.
Long post, thanks for reading!

OP, for what it's worth I think it would be wrong to tell others. It's the child's story, not yours, and it's up to him/her how and when it's told. I'm not suggesting it be a secret. Just that your child's right to privacy is also factored in.

Most important though is that you do what feels right for you and your child.

Best of luck.

My advice is to tell the child immediately, not just from an appropriate age but even from an age when they can't really understand what you mean, so that there never has to be a big traumatic reveal.

My friend has three DC via egg and sperm donation. They're now aged between 5 and 9 and still don't know because she's still "waiting for an appropriate age". I worry that there is a terrible shock awaiting them in the future.

I recommend the Donor Conception Network for useful information. And good luck!

Of course you don't have to tell anyone. It's no one else's business.

Donation is not a myth word. I have experience here - won’t say more on that front - and can tell you that unless you donate to receive discounted/free IVF the money received only covers expenses eg travel and the process is INCREDIBLY invasive that any monetary gain is laughable.

OP - the only person who needs to know what is happening in your uterus is YOU and your doctor. That’s it.

Tell who you want and when you want.

You said you have a plan about telling the child and that’s the most important thing and you have it sorted.

VERY best of luck to you.

It's very important that your child knows that they are not genetically related to you, and who their biological parents are, for health reasons. Don't wait until they're an older child/ teen/ adult to tell them as this will give them greater identity issues.

To be blunt if you don't tell anyone and you die in a car crash when your child's at nursery aged 2, how will your child ever know what their genetic history is? It could be really important, health issues may be genetic etc.

If you go abroad to source ovum the child may never be able to discover their genetic history.

If you do this either tell a couple of trusted people just in case you die in childbirth/ in a traffic accident before you've told the child, or write it into your will.

Egg donation comes with significant risks to the donor woman - presumably you've thought through the ethics?

www.councilforresponsiblegenetics.org/ViewPage.aspx?pageId=103

It's between you and the child. You've said that you will tell the child when they are older so that's all that matters. Not everyone will understand your reasons and choices but what they think is completely irreverent. This will be YOUR child whether it shares your DNA or not. YANBU. Good luck OP. I hope it works out for you

I’m possibly being thick here but I can’t imagine there are genetic risks to the child as both donors are screened to the highest level. You cannot donate gametes without this screening. I know as I have been through ivf myself. Although we used own gametes I know the screen process for donation. I’m in two kinds about this and it’s only my opinion but I don’t think it’s imperative the child MUST know. I think it’s up to the parent. The old nature vs nurture argument.

Anyway side tracked I wish you all the luck in the world @WantToBeMum it’s a brutal process but hopefully totally worth it

@hiddenworlds

I didn’t mean if she tells the kid, she’s already said she will. I meant if she chooses to ‘go public’ with telling people, to just do it casually

YANBU to not tell anyone if you don’t want to. I would hope that your relatives would treat a donor conceived child no differently from a child that was biologically yours so what reason is there to tell them?

Personally if I was the child's grandparent I might feel a bit upset? - (not sure what word to use but deceived seemed a bit too strong) if you didn't tell me there was no biological link to my grandchild?

I get that it's your business only but someone once told me that since a woman is born with all the eggs they'll ever have then that woman starts life inside her grandmother and that link has always resonated with me

You say you are going to tell the child but what happens when they blurt it our infront of other people?

I definitely wouldn’t tell anyone but the child/children. Good luck!

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted you just made me spit out my tea. That is a horrifying thought. Yet also really obvious...

Have you considered that if no one knows, how would your child find out, if something was to happen to you before you told them?

Don't tell anyone, it's your business; not just your business but your future child's business too and he/she may not want the world and his wife to know. I'm sure I wouldn't.

Fine not to tell friends. But I think family do have a right to know, and could be quite hurt when they find out later on, possibly via the child themselves that they're not biologically related to their grandchild/niece/nephew. You might damage your relationship with your wider family and your child's if you lie to them.

But I think family do have a right to know, and could be quite hurt when they find out later on, possibly via the child themselves that they're not biologically related to their grandchild/niece/nephew.

A lot of people have said this and I don’t understand it at all. The op would give birth to the child. It would be hers. The baby would be no more or less a proper grandchild than one with half the op’s DNA.

It's none of their business and if you give birth I doubt anyone will ever question it

The baby would be no more or less a proper grandchild than one with half the op’s DNA.

In the real world, it would be a bit of a shock to almost everyone to find out later on that their grandchild was not related to them. In much the same way as, I would be shocked if I later discovered that my child was not biologically related to me due to a mix up in the hospital or something.

Donation is a myth??? what a thing to say... I donated... for free.... i received not a penny from it... in many countries it is illegal to sell body parts... fuck what a way to make the op feel even shittier than she always does
Good luck OP, i hope it all works out for you and you get your longed for child

btw... the child will grow in your body, your blood will flow through its veins, your body will provide everything it needs to become a child, and you will give birth, never doubt it will be YOUR child and dont let anyone tell you different

I don't think family have a right to know and there is absolutely no reason for any of them to know. It's private and only concerns the mother and the child, when the child is grown up.

your blood will flow through its veins

That’s not technically true. Mother and baby’s blood are two separate circulatory systems. The placenta is the interface. Mother and baby can have different boood types.

I was told my AMH was low. I've had 2 DC since then. Last one in June at 42.

You will be the mother biologically.....that simply means you've given birth. You may not be the genetic mother using a donor but increasing research is proving the woman who carries a child has a significant influence in the physical outcome for want of a better term. Id advise anyone considering this to look it up. Its fascinating.

Good luck!