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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD, her BF and money

96 replies

supersop60 · 05/10/2019 12:28

WIBU to say something to the boyfriend about money?
DD (18)has been seeing him (19) for about 4 months, I like him.
He's about to qualify as a paramedic, she is a retail apprentice, and he earns at least twice as much as she does.
However - when they go out, she feels she has to match the spending 50/50, and I'm worried that she will end up broke. I've suggested that she says something to him, but she's not very confident (eg they might do a cheaper activity, cook a meal instead of a takeaway etc)
Would it be terrible if I said something to him?

OP posts:

PrimeraVez · 05/10/2019 12:32

Yes. In the nicest possible way, she’s 18, not 8. And actually, I think it’s admirable that she’s paying her way. Say something to her if you think you should, but if I were her, I would be really embarrassed and angry if you spoke to the boyfriend.

incognito76 · 05/10/2019 12:38

Yes, you would be unreasonable to take your adult daughter’s adult boyfriend to one side and tell him he has to spend more money on her. If I was your daughter I’d be mortified and if I was your daughter’s boyfriend I’d be wondering why my girlfriend was getting her mum to tell me things instead of having a normal conversation with me.

No wonder she is ‘not very confident’ if you do this sort of thing for her instead of expecting her to have these sorts of conversations herself.

Powerplant · 05/10/2019 12:39

If he hasn’t qualified yet is he actually earning twice as much as her. I would leave it up to her they have only been going out with each other for four months.

Fweakout · 05/10/2019 12:40

She needs to have this conversation with the boyf- the way he responds will give her useful information about the relationship, how he is as a person, and how she should navigate these conversations. Don't take the learning opportunity away from her.

namechangedforthis1980 · 05/10/2019 12:40

I don't think the OP is implying he has to spend more more on her, just to do less expensive activities.

I wouldn't say anything though, she needs to find a way to say it herself

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2019 12:44

It would be completely inappropriate for you to speak to her boyfriend. Good grief.

PortiaCastis · 05/10/2019 12:46

Jeez no none of your business

MRex · 05/10/2019 12:47

Please don't undermine her by talking to him, that's giving her the message that she is unable to handle these matters herself. Talk to her about what she's doing for savings to ultimately buy a flat, pension etc; discuss strategies for reaching money in case she hasn't thought of them. She needs to learn how to manage her own finances and from there she can decide when to splurge (she's only 18 after all) and when to save. If she needs to say something to the boyfriend then she will.

Original poster

supersop60 · 05/10/2019 12:47

I think he finishes training this week and will be on nearly £2000 per month (according to DD). She's earning about £700 a month,
incognito - I have never been the type to wade into battle and do things for her - hence my question. She's not confident because she has always been that way. New things make her anxious, but she always gets there.
I'll give an example of spending. He took her to the theatre in London and the tickets were £60 each. She paid for their meal - £128 !!!! because she felt she had to match what he had spent. (I don't think she'll do that again, though!)

OP posts:

MRex · 05/10/2019 12:48

Er, not reaching. Saving money.

SallyLovesCheese · 05/10/2019 12:48

You need to give your daughter the tools to deal with this herself, rather than stepping in for her. If she can't even talk to her boyfriend about her lack of money on dates, how is she going to talk to him when they decide to move in together and she doesn't like the flat he likes, or decide they want to get married and she wants the wedding a certain way and he doesn't, or decide to have children or use a different contraception, or she's struggling with something in life and just needs to talk to him...?

Original poster

supersop60 · 05/10/2019 12:49

And yes - you are all correct. She has to learn to do this for herself.

OP posts:

Jollitwiglet · 05/10/2019 12:50

This is for her to work out herself. Why does she feel the need to match the spending? Maybe work on her confidence with her, but certainly don't say anything to him

ashmts · 05/10/2019 12:58

Will he actually be on 2k a month? I think paramedics start at band 5 so that's 23k a year, has she factored in NI/tax/potential student loan/pension contributions?

When I met my bf I had a mortgage and he lived at home. The first few months were so expensive for me because I did go half on everything but as your relationship gets more serious these things work out, you spend more time just watching TV etc. Agree she needs to work this out. Does she live with you? She'll soon realise if she's spending too much, at least if she's not got rent to pay etc it's not the end of the world. Could be a good way to learn to cut her cloth.

Zebraaa · 05/10/2019 13:00

Qualified at 19? When did he start the uni course then? 16?

Original poster

supersop60 · 05/10/2019 13:04

Zebraaa - who mentioned a uni course?
ashmts - nearly £2K a month IS £23K a year, isn't it?
I think she feels the need to match the spending because it's not the 1950s where the man pays for everything.
It's question of balance.

OP posts:

gobbynorthernbird · 05/10/2019 13:06

But he's not going to net £2K.

PortiaCastis · 05/10/2019 13:07

My friends husband is a paramedic
2 years advanced driving at 19?

Jupiters · 05/10/2019 13:08

I thought it was 3 years training to be a paramedic? And like someone else mentioned a starting salary around 23k, which wouldn't equal 2k a month (especially after tax ect).
Although they is all a bit immaterial. She's an adult and needs to deal with this her own way if it is an issue for her. I would have been modified at that age if my mum had got involved!

Penelopeschat · 05/10/2019 13:11

@supersop60 - your daughter needs tools as someone said. She needs these in order to be ready for the relationship she is in or she’s vulnerable not only now but in other relationships, at work etc.
I’d be very surprised at a 19 year old being a fully fledged qualified paramedic...

nrpmum · 05/10/2019 13:11

Net on 23k is about £1500 per month. I do think she should just say 'I'm a bit skint, can we do x instead' though. Bless her.

BuffaloCauliflower · 05/10/2019 13:13

@supersop60 no, £23,000 a year is nowhere near £2000 a month once taxes have been factored in. You have to be on around £30,000 to get that net a month, pensions/student loans etc factoring in

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 05/10/2019 13:14

Take home pay of £23000 is about £1500 op. So while still more than you dd not masses more. He may have other costs car, loans from study.....

If you want your daughter to have the benefits of more money talk to her about a better job.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 05/10/2019 13:14

Plus £1500 doesn’t include pension

category12 · 05/10/2019 13:16

Whatever he's earning, she needs to have to confidence to say - I can't afford this or I'll need to save up to do that. You intervening doesn't do that. You need to talk to her about how to navigate this.

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