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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD, her BF and money

96 replies

supersop60 · 05/10/2019 12:28

WIBU to say something to the boyfriend about money?
DD (18)has been seeing him (19) for about 4 months, I like him.
He's about to qualify as a paramedic, she is a retail apprentice, and he earns at least twice as much as she does.
However - when they go out, she feels she has to match the spending 50/50, and I'm worried that she will end up broke. I've suggested that she says something to him, but she's not very confident (eg they might do a cheaper activity, cook a meal instead of a takeaway etc)
Would it be terrible if I said something to him?

OP posts:
3rdNamechange · 05/10/2019 14:10

Newly qualified paramedics don't take home £2000 a month.

Aprillygirl · 05/10/2019 14:18

Nobody needs to speak to the boyfriend, least of all you (good grief!) because he's actually not doing anything wrong. You could try talking to your DD though to find out why she feels she needs to match him pound for pound. Does she think she doesn't deserve a few quid spent on her? Help her build up her confidence and help her realise that she does, and then leave them to get on with it.

thisisthetime · 05/10/2019 14:24

I was in the exact same position as your dd nearly 15 years ago and would not have appreciated my mum ‘having a word’. It was a bit hard to ‘keep up’ but I wanted to pay my own way and was able to speak up if something was out of my reach. I retrained and now have a professional career, that’s what she needs to focus on rather than you expecting her boyfriend to fund her. Maybe just have a chat about ways to suggest some cheaper dates and encourage her to speak up if she can’t afford something.

Actionhasmagic · 05/10/2019 14:26

Yabu but can help her find a way to be honest about her finances should she want to talk to him about it.

ChasingRainbows19 · 05/10/2019 14:40

He won't be qualifying as a paramedic he will be an EMT. We get paramedic students working in my area and they are at uni to study. Still a great job but lower pay and little less responsibility.

EMT I think are 4 . I'm too band 4 NHS Gross I'm about £2000 ( only really look at the net!) but realistically after deductions I'm around £1550 with enhanced shifts too. I'm 10 years experience on band 4, so he will start a few thousand lower.

AnnaMagnani · 05/10/2019 14:42

You need to explain to your DD what equality in a relationship is and that it doesn't mean the same

Great she is paying her way, it's not the 1950s. But she is just finding another way to disempower herself and put the man first - perhaps not what feminism had intended?

If he earns 70% and she earns 30% then thats what they should be contributing - 70% and 30%. Oh and if she has a baby, both of them save up for it, not just her living off her mat pay and being completely skint.

1onelyranger · 05/10/2019 14:48

I think that your concerns are valid, they do need to match their spending to their incomes. When this has happened to me (nearly always as the higher income) we have matched our spending to the lower income with the higher earner paying 100% of treats now and then.
For example, we eat out according to DP's budget, but every now and then I pay for a weekend away.

ashmts · 05/10/2019 14:53

@AnnaMagnani Bloody hell, they're teenagers and have been together 4 months! A baby, calm down. Out of curiosity, if she was earning more would you suggest she pay the majority of costs every time they go out? I don't think that's fair in a 4 month (!) relationship. Picking places you can afford when it's your turn to pay, that's fair. It's less transactional than 70/30. Also nobody knows his outgoings so you can't say he has more disposable income to cover it.

Original poster
supersop60 · 05/10/2019 15:55

Thanks everyone. I won't be talking to the bf - I kind of knew it would be wrong anyway. I wasn't going to suggest he paid more, just dial it down on the expensive activities.
Re all the other stuff - paramedics, salaries etc I'll find out more facts another time.

OP posts:
hamstersaremyfriends · 05/10/2019 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
supersop60 · 05/10/2019 16:34

Oh dear God - are we still on this?
Right - I only know what DD told me - it could be absolute bollocks,
Whatever the actual amount, and whether it's gross or net - He earns considerably more than she does, and yet she is trying to match his spending.
I knew I shouldn't have gone on AIBU..........

OP posts:
Pinkflipflop85 · 05/10/2019 16:49

It isn't your place to interfere though. Especially not by talking to him. If anything, talk to your daughter about being sensible with money. Over £100 on a meal for two is absolutely ridiculous!

Original poster
supersop60 · 05/10/2019 17:01

.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 05/10/2019 17:19

ashmts So when should OP raise those issues then. A bit later down the line and then come on here and have posters say to her "well didnt you talk to her about this sort of thing OP"

1onelyranger · 05/10/2019 18:06

There’s a difference between talking to your DD about it and talking to your DD’S boyfriend about it.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 05/10/2019 19:29

If he earns 70% and she earns 30% then thats what they should be contributing - 70% and 30%.

They're going out "about 4 months". The mother doesn't seem too certain on what the boyfriend is actually taking home in his wages. She doesn't even seem to know what it is he does. So under no circumstances should they be discussing him paying more for dates. What they should be discussing is if they can afford theatre tickets and fancy meals.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 05/10/2019 19:32

Edit: Very few 18/19 year old couples can afford expendive nights out in London. They need to figure that out for themselves, but I'd definitely leave them to figure it out for themselves. It's a good life lesson.

Inferiorbeing · 05/10/2019 19:56

If shes happy with it I would leave her. Dp is a paramedic (newly qualified is about £1800 a month with incidental OT) however now he earns about 1k more than me. We pay for our house 50/50 and most things but he covers bigger expenses like holidays. It's none of you business I'm afraid. Also all those saying 23k haven't taken in the 25% overtime..

MatildaTheCat · 05/10/2019 20:09

By all means talk to HER about it. If she lacks confidence help her think of some ways she can bring up the option of doing cheaper outings, saving money etc. In all likelihood they are both at the stage of trying to impress one another (theatre tickets) and would both be relieved to be more honest.

HiJenny35 · 05/10/2019 20:43

You really aren't getting this are you! What do you mean you'll ask him more about his job and you'll find out more facts another time it is literally NONE IF TOUR BUSINESS if you daughter spends all her money she won't have any to spend, up to her, she's an adult she needs to learn to manage her money. For all you know she suggested the theatre or the restaurant, you don't know what he owes on previous college, rent, car, to family, or what his actual wage is and neither should you because it's nothing that you should know.

MapMyMum · 05/10/2019 21:43

Out of interest, if you had a ds who was earning 700 and his gf was earning almost 2k, would you expect her to pay out more

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 05/10/2019 22:11

I'd be pretty pissed off if the mother of my 19 year old son's gf (of 4 months) took it upon herself to quiz him about his job and money and suggested he should supplement her daughter's lifestyle.

If your daughter can't afford things then she needs to speak up. Not have her mother quiz her young boyfriend on his financial status and intentions. Makes you both sound like you're only interested in him for his money. Which at 19 years of age is unlikely to amount to much.

1onelyranger · 05/10/2019 22:33

I don't know any teens who spend £120 on theatre tickets or £120 on a meal for two.

Waveysnail · 05/10/2019 23:07

Your daughter needs to set herself a budget and tell her bf she has x amount to spend a week. She needs to be honest and suggest cheaper activities
You def shouldnt get involved by speaking to him.

Original poster
supersop60 · 06/10/2019 08:52

HiJenny35 - calm down.
I said I'd ask him about his work so that I can make it clear to everyone else on here what stage of training he is at. I know he's a student paramedic who is signed up to an Ambulance trust. These positions are rarer that hen's teeth. He has had to do written assignments, practical assignments and Blue-light driver training. I believe there is more to do. I may be wrong about his salary (just going by what DD said)
I'M NOT GOING TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT MONEY.
Not sure how many times I've said that now,
Please read the updates people

OP posts:
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