DD, her BF and money

[supersop60]

WIBU to say something to the boyfriend about money?
DD (18)has been seeing him (19) for about 4 months, I like him.
He's about to qualify as a paramedic, she is a retail apprentice, and he earns at least twice as much as she does.
However - when they go out, she feels she has to match the spending 50/50, and I'm worried that she will end up broke. I've suggested that she says something to him, but she's not very confident (eg they might do a cheaper activity, cook a meal instead of a takeaway etc)
Would it be terrible if I said something to him?

Your DD is earning very little - my DS who at present is working in retail, earns considerably more than that (he's not on an apprenticeship though, where they can pay less). My DD who had mental health issues and now work with horses, earns more per month. Even I, who am part time and workinging in a not very well paid job earn more.

She needs to learn that she can't just spend £128 on a meal. He boyfriend is also on a low wage, and neither of them should be splashing the cash like this unless it is for a very special occasion eg. birthday.

Op didn't say that he needs to pay more. She was talking about cooking at home or doing cheaper activities where the daughter would still pay her own way. Nobody is suggesting that after "about 4 motnhs" dating two teenagers should be discussing proportional income sharing.

Also, does it matter what paramedic or emt makes. One person in a couple makes more than the other. The other feels the need to match their spending and doejst have the confidence to suggest something cheaper. Op agreed that she won't talk to the boyfriend. Which I agree with. But I would talk to he daughter and make sure she understands that it's ok to tell bf that she can't afford it and then suggest something cheaper instead. If he has a problem with this then she knows not to waste his time with him.

I don't think the op is being unreasonable. I love it when people point out the bloody obvious fact that 18 is an adult as if some magical overnight transformation happens the night before their birthday. Young adults are still very much finding their feet at that age, and I would be worried too if my dc lacked the confidence to speak up about this in a relationship.

Wow OP, you are getting a hard time about his job 🙄. Yes it is possible for him to be nearly qualified at almost 20. My cousin at the age of 18 was accepted as a student paramedic with an ambulance trust, she has 6 months left of her training before she is fully qualified. The positions are rare and fewer trusts are offering them.

Glad you aren't going to speak to him about the money situation though. I'd have been mortified if my mum had done that.

You need to keep out if it op 🤷‍♀️

What you can do is facilitate them spending less, invite them to cook and eat at yours, suggest cinema, suggest they take a picnic or sandwiches on a walk, lend our thermos etc.

Etino - yes - all the things that we used to do!
Any more suggestions gratefully received.

I do think OP is in danger of becoming that MIL in years to come.

Her daughter is still young, But doesn’t seem to have chosen a career path that will lead to high earning potential. As others have said, I would question the careers advice she has received.

Over the next few years she will find herself in lots of situations where she can’t keep up with the spending power of her friends.

If I was her mother I would be using this to encourage her into a more lucrative career path - even go back and get some qualifications.

Seeing this as the boys problem/fault seems Odd

By all means speak to your daughter but it's absolutely not your place to speak to her boyfriend about his earning potential!

They've been going out four months - if she wants to spend £128 on a meal then more fool her. I'm thirty and wouldn't even pay half of that for a meal for two - but it's her choice at the end of the day.

She'll learn eventually.

Those saying retail is poorly paid - that's not necessarily the case.

If you're willing to work hard and work up the ranks you can earn 100k plus as an area manager for a big chain. HR management also pays pretty well if you work for the right company, or you can use your skills and qualifications to go self employed.

A sales assistant is never going to earn megabucks but management isn't that poorly paid really. Lots of people on MN have a bit of a skewed view of salaries in my experience - not everyone can earn 5 figure salaries or more. Someone has to do the drudge work!

I agree that a small proportion of those working in retail can make it into management - but you would be better placed to achieve hose steps if you have some good formal qualifications. For example, where I work a Relevant degree is required for an HR role.

There are other career paths out there were you can have better earning potential toward the bottom of the ladder.

I raised earning because money seems important to OP and her daughter seem to want to live a lifestyle that is beyond her salary, and indeed beyond what she will likely earn in her chosen industry unless she is very lucky.

Could she follow her boyfriend into the ambulance service?

I find it hilarious that while some posters are aghast that OP should even dream of speaking to her dd about her spending, others feel quite entitled to critique the dds career choices and hold forth about what they think she should work at. A young woman they don't even know ... It really is typical Mumsnet!

@supersop60 fwiw I don't think you'd be out of order making some suggestions to dd re how she might deal with feeling like she has to 'match' his spending, especially if you feel it's related to her lack of confidence.

That said though, I don't think you should worry too much. They're both doing jobs that require them to work pretty hard, they know what they earn and how many hours they have to put in to make £120. They're young and don't have commitments like dc or a mortgage so really why shouldn't they have treats like the theatre and a nice restaurant? Just because some MNers couldn't dream of paying that or would prioritise other things?

I do think sometimes we rush young people into being responsible adults worrying about savings and the future. They have years ahead of them to be sensible! It's early days in their relationship and unsurprisingly they want to have fun experiences and treat each other. As time goes on they'll very likely settle into less expensive options like the cinema, pizza, the local pub and your couch .

Save me Barry - Op planned to talk to the boyfriend not her daughter.

I am on those you are croci song for offering careers advice.

It is a bug bear of mine that children have such poor careers advice in schools- often delivered by people who have very little knowledge of the huge opportunities that are out there.

It’s such an exciting world and kids have so many opportunities. This girl clearly wants a certain lifestyle - absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s the perfect time for her to plan her career to ensure she can provide that lifestyle for herself.

I know so many people who wish they had had better advice - a friend recently paid for her daughter to see a career advisor - he really opened her eyes to what is out there.

So I’m not going to apologise for asking if the daughter is certain retail is the path for her. This is the age to be as imaginative and ambition as possible.

Talk to your DD, OP. I would have a word with her and say that it's probably best that she speaks to her BF and they each take turns to pay and whoever is paying, chooses the restaurant/activity. That way your DD can opt for Frankie and Benny's and bowling on her turn knowing she can afford that. If wants to choose the Ritz then a day at the races, that's his choice.

There really is no point in your DD trying to impress him or match him. Even a meal at a chain restaurant then a simple activity for 2 can set you back a good £80 so she really can't be doing that much either. Dates are just that, dates. Not something that needs to happen every week. They should probably be spending most of their time watching films and relaxing together since they both work as that's reality.

A good friend of mine has a partner, now husband that does a lot of activities! I mean a lot. Weekends away, trips to London (we are in Scotland), expensive theatre shows and all that jazz. He seems to be doing something every weekend and even on week nights too. He doesn't seem to be able to sit still at all and has the attitude that life is for living so I doubt they have any savings or anything. No kids as yet but on the horizon. I've no idea how they will manage once they have kids if he doesn't reign it in. I'm not entirely sure on this but I think she contributes more to the household bills and food as he spends most of his wages on these trips and activities. She joins sometimes but obviously has a more sensible attitude that she can't do them all as she wants rainy day money and to do things to the house.

Gently remind your daughter that leisure time and money is great but she also needs to think about what she can afford. He may well have to do some of these alone or with other friends.

FYI, I think you're just concerned about your DD and that's fine. You quickly realised that you shouldn't talk to her BF. It doesn't matter what he earns exactly after deductions, just that he earns double or more what she does which that is the jist you were giving by mentioning amounts so no idea why you've been ripped apart for that.

Speak to your DD 🙂

@Dollymixture22 just as an aside in relation to your comment about not wanting a 19 year old treating you if you were having a heart attack. I bet if it actually happened you wouldn't give a shit what age the paramedic was as long as they knew what they were doing. Plus in the moment I'd doubt you'd have the presence of mind to notice.

Spending £128 on a meal is ridiculous. You need to chat with your daughter about budgets/living within her means/savings, etc.

How many 19 year olds or indeed anyone on a low income (or even a larger income with a lot of outgoing) spend that amount on a meal out?

@HelenaDove Well I didn't need my mum to spell that stuff out for me, but if it does need to be, then when the relationship is actually serious enough (e.g. living together). Or even if/when she gets pregnant. They've been seeing each other 4 months! The poor bf is getting such a hard time, there's been no suggestion that he wouldn't contribute fairly to a family/household. He's 19 and has already obtained a qualification and a good job, he sounds alright to me.

i agree He sounds quite mature for his age.

He's a really nice boy/young man.
I repeat - I AM NOT GOING TO SPEAK TO HIM.
I am not going to become that MiL
Yes £128 is ridiculous - it was a one-off and it's not going to happen again.
I really like the idea of taking it in turns for each date.
Dollymixture22 I am on those you are croci song for offering careers advice. - sorry, what?
To everyone condemning my DD for her career choice - you have NO idea what she has been through over the last couple of years.
I am immensely proud of her for a) finding and getting the job herself b) managing to get up and out everyday.
Yes, she is capable of much more. We're taking one step at a time.

SaveMeBarry Sun 06-Oct-19 10:37:45
I find it hilarious that while some posters are aghast that OP should even dream of speaking to her dd about her spending, others feel quite entitled to critique the dds career choices and hold forth about what they think she should work at. A young woman they don't even know hmm... It really is typical Mumsnet

So much this!

Sorry Op my predictive text on my phone went wrong, I was simply saying I am one of those people being criticised for offering careers advice.

If you daughter is happy with her choice that is great - I was simply pointing out that increasing her earning potential would be one solution to her current dilemma.

I am sure she and her boyfriend will find a way to live within their respect budgets.