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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD, her BF and money

96 replies

supersop60 · 05/10/2019 12:28

WIBU to say something to the boyfriend about money?
DD (18)has been seeing him (19) for about 4 months, I like him.
He's about to qualify as a paramedic, she is a retail apprentice, and he earns at least twice as much as she does.
However - when they go out, she feels she has to match the spending 50/50, and I'm worried that she will end up broke. I've suggested that she says something to him, but she's not very confident (eg they might do a cheaper activity, cook a meal instead of a takeaway etc)
Would it be terrible if I said something to him?

OP posts:
TheSweatyPregnancy · 05/10/2019 13:17

@supersop60

@Zebraaa is right. To be a Paramedic now you need to go to university and study either Paramedic Science or Paramedic Practice. Are you sure he’s not going to be an EMT (Emergency Medical technician)? Because if so that money isn’t great either.

I agree with everyone else though, you shouldn’t get involved in this. If it’s really bothering her your DD needs to speak to him herself.

But at 4 months in, she should be paying 50/50 for any activities I think... it was only when me and my partner moved in together we split out money based on what we earn. Just general going out for tea and drinks etc we would just pay between us. If you can’t afford said activity, don’t do it Smile

Ellisandra · 05/10/2019 13:17

Good god no don’t talk to him!
Talk to her.
She’s right she should be paying her way and not expecting him to pay more.
BUT she needs to understand that isn’t a £ for £ thing, and it’s OK to be treated too - just not completely funded.
So yes, she was right to buy dinner when he bought theatre tickets. But it was silly to go out and find a restaurant for £128 - cheaper would have been FINE.

Original poster
supersop60 · 05/10/2019 13:19

Well, I might ask him for more details about his work next time. He has done his blue-light training, and all his 'desk work'.
He's nearly 20, if that makes a difference.
Just because I am a pedant about Maths - £23K divided by 12 months is about £1916 a month (that's NEARLY £2K as I said originally)
Yes, that is gross, not net, as is my DD's £700 gross, not net.
I shall absolutely not get involved, and I shall be encouraging DD to talk to him.

OP posts:
stucknoue · 05/10/2019 13:22

It's up to her not him. By all means say to your dd don't get into debt trying to match him but that's where your advice should stop. 50/50 is right generally and spending should be appropriate for the lower earner

TheSweatyPregnancy · 05/10/2019 13:22

@supersop60 definitely ask about his new job. I work in an ambulance service and suspect he is going to be and EMT. Which lots of people consider to be a role as a step towards being a paramedic. Great job for a 19 year old lad though.

C0untDucku1a · 05/10/2019 13:23

Why on earth is she doing an apprenticeship in retail?! Surely that’s deciding to be poor your whole life?! Has she no other options?

Scarydinosaurs · 05/10/2019 13:24

What is the point in talking gross when net is what matters?

You might be a pedant with maths, but you don’t talk about salaries like that. It makes no sense.

stucknoue · 05/10/2019 13:24

Ps he won't be a paramedic, you need to go to university for that or study distance learning for years. An ambulance technician is not the same, less pay

Naillig222 · 05/10/2019 13:26

This really is none of your business. To be honest if I was seeing someone for four months and their mother spoke to me about my earnings and how we should be splitting costs I would be pretty pissed off.

IAmALazyArse · 05/10/2019 13:27

Erm 700 gross is 700 net basically.

Naillig222 · 05/10/2019 13:28

Also, like previous posters, I would be thinking EMT at that age.

Fredastaireatemyjamsandwich · 05/10/2019 13:29

You really need to keep away from something that isn’t your business.
Your daughter earns £175 a week gross for a ‘retail apprentice’ job. At the minimum wage, that is only 20 hours a week. Or she’s being paid under a fiver for a 40 hour week. Just tell her to get a job in a supermarket rather than ‘apprentice’ bollocks. She will earn a lot more.

SunshineAngel · 05/10/2019 13:31

Tbh it doesn't sound right to me anyway. Almost a qualified paramedic at 19? I don't think so.

Is there any remote chance he's bigged his job up to try and impress your DD?

Also - I think it's great she wants to pay her way. My partner and I took it in turns to pay for meals out when we first got together. At the time I wasn't earning much, so we went to cheaper places (whoever was paying chose, which we thought was fair).

Now, we live together, so everything goes in the same pot. It's irrelevant, but I earn 3x what he earns now, as both of our jobs have changed.

I would never expect him to match me penny for penny.

Your DD and her bf are probably still at the "polite" stage of their relationship where they can't really talk too much about who pays for what.. etiquette and such. But if they do stay together I'm sure they will sort it out.

LagunaBubbles · 05/10/2019 13:32

I don't get why this would even cross your mind to talk to him about, that would be so innapropriate.

Raphael34 · 05/10/2019 13:32

It’s none of your business. Keep it of your adult daughters relationship

honeybunlatte · 05/10/2019 13:35

Your daughter won't pay tax on a wage of £700 a month. It's under the threshold. So that is net for her. If she can't afford the lifestyle she needs to talk to him. It's not your place.

Original poster
supersop60 · 05/10/2019 13:38

Student paramedic - where you join an ambulance trust and study on the job. He will be a Newly Qualified Paramedic.
fredastaire I didn't want to have to go into this - she has had some mental health issues which meant that A'Levels were not an option for her. She worked in another shop and hated it. At least this way, she gets training, a BTEC qualification, with the option to train for management after 13 months (now 7 months away)
Apprenticeships are not bollocks. Why am I allowing myself to get sidetracked on this?

OP posts:
honeybunlatte · 05/10/2019 13:42

more info about the various routes into being a paramedic.

www.ucas.com/ucas/after-gcses/find-career-ideas/explore-jobs/job-profile/paramedic

Pinkflipflop85 · 05/10/2019 13:44

Apprentices in general aren't bollocks, but they aren't all equal. One in retail is significantly limiting your career possibilities and earning potential in the future. Even retail management pays poorly in most cases.

hamstersaremyfriends · 05/10/2019 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Missmonkeypenny · 05/10/2019 13:50

DH is a NQP ( which you are for two years after qualifying) and I can assure you he does not take home 2k a month unless he does a shit tonne of overtime

Original poster
supersop60 · 05/10/2019 13:51

hamsters I am not clueless. I understand the difference between net and gross.
I was giving relative amounts.

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 05/10/2019 13:56

I am high jacking this thread, but really concerned that A 19 year old could be a qualified paramedic.

It’s such an important and difficult job, could come one really compete the training In such a short period of time? Did he leave school at 16?

These are the people who can save lives, I have relatives who trained for year at university then did more training to qualify - it took a long time to get both the academic qualifications and the experience.

I know I am being ageist, but not sure I would want a 19 year old thronging up if I was having a heart attack,

babba2014 · 05/10/2019 14:04

Sadly most people are not educated about finances so when in the real world make bad choices. I was one of them and I still dislike that area.
You should have a word with her and not him. Tell her gently that this isn't how the world works and if she continues like that she may find herself with barely any money left whilst he will have saved a lot. It is totally okay for her to go out for a £10 meal and if he reacts badly to that then that's not good but you doubt he will react like that if he's a good person. But £128 is insane.

QueSera · 05/10/2019 14:08

OP I think you need to speak to your DD, not her DP! £128 on a meal for 2?! when earning £700/m?!