AIBU to give sibling a present?

[PlayerOne]

Just wondering what the general consensus is on here as DH and myself disagree on this one...

4th and 2nd birthdays coming up for my 2 kids.
This is a similar age gap to me and my siblings and we always got a small token present on the others birthday to prevent jealousy etc. I am happy to do this for our 2, but my husband thinks this is unnecessary and that they need to learn that they won't always get presents, not wanting to spoil them, etc.

This is fair enough for when they're older, but the youngest one is too small to understand this yet and I can imagine he might get upset when his big brother is showered with gifts and attention and he gets nothing.

What has everyone else done for their children?

I absolutely hate it when people do this. 1. It takes the emphasis off the person who's birthday it is and 2. It makes the person who's birthday it isn't, really spoilt and precious.

Sibling gifts is not dissimilar to pass the parcel these days. When I was young it stopped randomly and you didn't necessarily get a go. Now apparently parents go to great lengths to ensure everyone gets a go and gets a small gift. The joy when I was young was wondering if this was the last wrap or not. No toys or sweets put between layers!

will probably keep a small something wrapped up ready to give if I do sense any upset!)

Please don't do this. Children need to learn to deal with disappointment and upset, it's a vital part of emotional development so they grow up to be emotionally healthy adults. I work with adults who can't handle negative emotions of any description and it's not had a good impact on their lives.

How ridiculous and unnecessary. OP good parenting surely is about preparing a child for the nuances of life, coping with small jealousies and disappointments (if they even notice!) is a part of normal life and exposure to them is a learning opportunity about managing that and feeling pleased for other people and understanding the value of gifts in the long term. It's not a kindness to shield them from any and all disappointment just so you don't have to feel bad when you see it. I'd not start the precedent- see how it goes, you may be surprised.

My SIL does this and her kids demands presents and tantrums at all
Of his cousins parties because they think they should get presents on other people's birthdays!

At one of our nieces parties earlier in the year they took some of her presents off the table while no one was looking and opened them. Refused to give them back and screamed the place down when they were finally taken away from them (by MIL SIL just said well it's what they're used to)

There is a similar age gap between my 2 and a 6 month gap between their birthdays. Believe it or not my oldest is the worst when it's other people's birthdays, even mine and his dads lol I usually find the promise of being able to have a turn blowing out the candles on the cake helps, and they usually help each other open their presents and they both play with the toys anyway

I’m in your corner PlayerOne, my eldest two were 5 years apart but I still brought them something on there siblings birthday, my partner thinks I’m mad and stopped me doing the same with our granddaughters on each others birthdays

18 months between my two DC.
We started the small gift for sibling on Birthday child's special day and I really wish we hadn't.
A small £5-10 gift seems to have grown to around £20+ and it's really out of hand. Feels like each DC has two Birthdays and yes they both act entitled

I don't think it is U either to give a sibling a present or not - though I would think it unwise to give then a huge one. (Flippantly, one thing that might work quite well is to give your 4-year-old their presents on their birthday, and give the 2-year-old the boxes and wrapping paper that the presents came in - many toddlers love these better than toys!) But I'd keep an eye on it as the children get older: they might resent having the spotlight on their birthday shared by a sibling - or in some cases might prefer it that way; some children and adults like the presents but hate the spotlight! In any case, considering what is nowadays often spent on and given to the guests at a child's party, I would think that a small gift to a sibling is not that important either way.

As children we had something on each other’s birthdays, mainly in the form of a party bag. I look back on all our birthdays fondly as we were definitely not spoilt! We still do it now as on birthdays there is a birthday tea, cake and party bag just within the family, not at the actual party.

Ch do get upset, but what happens when they go to cousins/friends parties will they expect something.
Tbh I think it's lovely to realise that it's someone else's special day.
(And I hate communal candle blowing)

100% agree with your husband.

This used to happen with me and DB when we were kids. DGPs always got him something on my birthday. Citing “oh he’s young he doesn’t understand but you’ll get something on his birthday He usually ended up with whatever his heart desired on the run up to my birthday whereas I was given plastic tat from the pound shop if I was remembered at all.

DM finally put a stop to it when the disparity between gift was so obvious. I got a crafting kit for my birthday was about £10 max. I was delighted with it until I seen my brother open up brand new full football kit generally around £50+ with new boots included.

Caused nothing but resentment for a lot of years.

I always got a small, token gift as child on my siblings' birthdays.

I do the same for my own kids but it's something that they would have got anyway so a book or a small Lego set etc

I do it because both of my kids are, on the whole, really well behaved. They both have SEN and life isn't always easy for them (always coming last on sports day due to physical disabilities and having to suck it up. Never getting 100% attendance awards due to so many medical appts etc)

They've always shared nicely with each other, are kind to each other and don't expect gifts on anyone else's birthday but it's my message to them that it's not easy watching your sibling getting all the attention and you deserve a small gift because you are, overall, a really good kid who has to cope with alot.

We did sibling presents for a few years, maybe until smallest DC was 3 or 4. I don’t think it has harmed them in anyway or hampered their resilience. They are now pretty good and tolerant at seeing their sibling get something they are not getting, and that includes marks at school and sporting achievements, I don’t see jealousy between them; and I think they also really good at sharing with each other.

Agree with your husband, it sets a daft precedent that other relatives might start following too. The birthday kid should feel special and if it leads to a bit of jealousy, tears or tantrums your other child will get over it eventually. Getting used to disappointment and not being the centre of attention are lessons we all have to learn. What would you do if they start expecting gifts when it is your birthday or a cousin or friends?

My in laws did this when my dd was born and gott gifts for nephew, he now asks for specific things!

I agree with your husband. Children, even 2 year olds need to learn sometimes it's not about them. I also personally think it encourages a materialist mind set.

Ugh, my DH and his parents insist on this and it drives me crazy. Everyone has a birthday. You only get present on your own birthday and Christmas. It isn't that hard to understand.

I was totally against the idea of ‘un-birthday presents’ for siblings, and never bought any, but my mother thought I was being heartless and insisted on buying them for my dc anyway.

And honestly, I don’t think it’s done them any harm. They have no issues with sharing or letting others be the centre of attention.

Also, I don’t think 1 or 2 days a year will make any difference to the person your child grows up to be. It’s the parent you are all year round that matters.