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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give sibling a present?

118 replies

PlayerOne · 04/10/2019 22:06

Just wondering what the general consensus is on here as DH and myself disagree on this one...

4th and 2nd birthdays coming up for my 2 kids.
This is a similar age gap to me and my siblings and we always got a small token present on the others birthday to prevent jealousy etc. I am happy to do this for our 2, but my husband thinks this is unnecessary and that they need to learn that they won't always get presents, not wanting to spoil them, etc.

This is fair enough for when they're older, but the youngest one is too small to understand this yet and I can imagine he might get upset when his big brother is showered with gifts and attention and he gets nothing.

What has everyone else done for their children?

OP posts:
AVT5 · 05/10/2019 08:49

I don't do sibling presents. But I make them party bags. Doesn't matter if we are going out for dinner or having a party at home they get a party bag each which they love. Maybe an alternative idea?

ooooohbetty · 05/10/2019 09:00

Absolutely no need to give a sibling a present. It's not their day.

Thebig3 · 05/10/2019 09:06

I agree absolutely no need for this at all. I have 3 kids 7, 5 and 2 and have never done sibling gifts. The birthday is for the birthday child not other people. Sharing presents is for xmas!

KUGA · 05/10/2019 09:16

Your DH is spot on 100%.

Inlovewitharagorn · 05/10/2019 09:38

We don't do sibling gifts. My mum does buy the sibling a token gift though (bag of sweets). I remember very well the first time birthday presents led to jealousy (younger child was 3) but it was also the only time.

LannieDuck · 05/10/2019 09:45

My kids' birthdays are 6 months apart, so a long time to wait for 'your turn' when you're 3 or 4.

We do a sibling present. Just one small one. It works really well. Birthday child still has more presents from mummy and daddy, plus presents from all relatives. Plus presents at party. Sibling just has one small present from mummy and daddy.

It helped a lot when kids were tiny.

Footle · 05/10/2019 09:48

I'm one of four with birthdays widely spaced over the year. We each had a small unbirthday present when were very young and we loved it. Didn't spoil or confuse us.

TheCatWhoLickedTheFlaps · 05/10/2019 10:07

I don't do sibling gifts, and I encourage family not to, although grandparents find it hard to arrive without a little something for the other dc because they live a long way away so don't get to gift often. I encourage the non Birthday child to get involved in choosing and wrapping a gift from them. I will often get something like a family board game for birthday child where we can all play together or a movie for us all to watch with popcorn but it is the birthday child's gift. Any complaining is met with 'when it's your day it's your turn'. We've never had a problem.

Passmethepepsi · 05/10/2019 10:09

I’m with your DH. I have a second birthday coming up too! The age gap is bigger between dd1 and dd2 but she never noticed or cared a few months ago when it was dd1s birthday and she didn’t get any presents.

BuildBuildings · 05/10/2019 10:13

We did it growing up. It was totally about sharing birthday cheer as me and my sister were/are close. It was a low cost gift and really didn't take away from the sibling at all. We also always did and still do make an effort on family members birthdays.

fedup21 · 05/10/2019 10:16

We never did this when I was growing up, but did for our own kids whilst they were little-it was nice.

KurriKurri · 05/10/2019 10:16

I never did it with my two and never had it as a child.
I always let the sibling join in with the pre birthday prep (making a cake, blowing up balloons, helping choose presents etc) and they always enjoyed doing this - it's nice to 'do' a birthday for someone else mine used to enjoy seeing thier sib unwrap presents as well.
I think people tend to underestimate children's ability to see beyond themselves and want to help make a daay special for someone else, knowing that their turn will come when it is their birthday.
I can remember getting very excited before my sisters birthday and looking forward to seeing what she got, and enjoying giving her a present, from a very young age.

Cleverplayonwords · 05/10/2019 10:18

I'm with your DH. It's good for children to learn that the focus isn't always on them and that sometimes other children have a special day that's just for them.

I know it's hard. My 3yo spotted his cousin's birthday present just yesterday and made a huge fuss about wanting it (it's something he would really like). I explained to him that it's not his, it's for cousins birthday and that he can't have it. He cried, I gave him a cuddle, he got over it. It would have been easier to give in and buy a duplicate but what would that teach him?

Novembersbean · 05/10/2019 10:18

I have to say I'm really relieved to see people agreeing with your husband - I feel like everyone does stuff like this these days and it's my biggest parenting pet peeve, it drives me barmy 🤣

I once went to a child's birthday party in which all the kids were playing pass the parcel. Almost all of them were whinging every time the music didn't stop on them (there was a present on each layer), and the host was falling over herself to reassure them that everyone would get picked and get a present. Surely we as adults know that but the point is that they don't?? The idea of not knowing 100% that you were going to win a game was apparently unthinkable. They were all just robotically waiting for their inevitable reward, no patience, no surprise, no stakes at all!

Something in me awoke that day and it's never been the same 🤦‍♀️

Cleverplayonwords · 05/10/2019 10:19

@KurriKurri I agree, children love making a fuss of others if you encourage them.

KurriKurri · 05/10/2019 10:27

Novembersbean - I remember as a child (I am ancient)that pass the parcel was one present in the middle of the parcel and one person won. Now there is a little gift/sweets under every layer of wrapping. I don't remember kids getting upset when I was child over not winning the game. We knew it was game and one person won. As I said i think people underestimate childrens capacity to deal with stuff. And they anitcipate trouble before it has actually happened.
Where as if you go with the expectation that children will cope with mild disappointment and can easily be jollied out of it if necessary, they usually manage much better than we give them credit for.

if you raise children to understand that not everything is about them, then they won't expect everything to get presents on other people birthdays or to always win something in a game, and you don't need to make plans for tantrums because they won't happen.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 05/10/2019 10:27

This year my DD will be turning 5 and my DS will be 2. No way will I be letting him get a sibling present/help unwrap/blow out candles.
He may be 2 but he understands the word no. It’s DD’s birthday not his.

I don't agree with sibling gifts (ridiculous idea) but my DD(6) is the sort who would encourage her little brother to help her unwrap presents, blow out candles etc and I don't feel inclined to discourage that. Her birthday is very much about her but she just adores her little brother and likes to involve him in whatever she's doing. I realise that may well change as she gets older! Grin

SummerHouse · 05/10/2019 10:30

I think it's great to give a sibling present. It's not extra as such just one less on their actual birthday. I think it's taught them generosity or maybe it's just their nature but the older one went on a school trip recently and was allowed to take a little spending money. I predicted he would buy a gift for his brother and he did.

yellowallpaper · 05/10/2019 10:34

I don't see anything wrong with doing this. We used to when the DC were younger. A small token gift just prevents jealousy and resentment towards the birthday child and the child doesn't feel left out and excluded. Hasn't done any harm and they are reasonable friends now

vdbfamily · 05/10/2019 10:34

This is crazy. Surely a child has to learn that life is not all about them and that with birthdays it is a special day for the birthday child. Where does it end. Do you buy them something on your birthday, or partners birthday or any parties they go to where a friend gets all the gifts. It is a good chance to teach them about birthday traditions.

Rachelover60 · 05/10/2019 10:49

CalmdownJanet
I am 100% with your husband on this one, I absolutely hate the sibling present idea
.........
So do I, they have to realise that siblings have presents and so do they on their special day,

Parents can treat them a bit on the occasion of sibling's birthday.

SummerHouse · 05/10/2019 10:55

I thinks it's a kindness. No better lesson for a child than to be kind, not leave others out, think of others etc. I understand why some wouldn't. We teach our children in different ways. Not sure what you do when you disagree with other parent... ?

Novembersbean · 05/10/2019 11:05

KurriKurri couldn't agree more, I remember snatching a bit playing pass the parcel as a child but quickly getting over it - I think a lot of modern parenting is motivated by not believing your child can get over anything, which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

It is raising kids to not be able to cope when attention isn't on them and to not be able to grasp being happy for others, which is why I don't see it as harmless fun to do things like this. It's really not that hard to accept something being about somebody else.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/10/2019 11:20

I’m with your husband too. Children need to be taught resilience. They will have their turn when it’s their birthday.

ratherstuck · 05/10/2019 11:34

Don't do it. I teach a boy who gets a present on his sister's birthday, he is spoilt and entitled.
The 2 year old will have fun playing with boxes and wrapping paper. And they can share the toys once they have been opened. The little one won't know the difference.