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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give sibling a present?

118 replies

PlayerOne · 04/10/2019 22:06

Just wondering what the general consensus is on here as DH and myself disagree on this one...

4th and 2nd birthdays coming up for my 2 kids.
This is a similar age gap to me and my siblings and we always got a small token present on the others birthday to prevent jealousy etc. I am happy to do this for our 2, but my husband thinks this is unnecessary and that they need to learn that they won't always get presents, not wanting to spoil them, etc.

This is fair enough for when they're older, but the youngest one is too small to understand this yet and I can imagine he might get upset when his big brother is showered with gifts and attention and he gets nothing.

What has everyone else done for their children?

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 04/10/2019 22:30

I’ve always done a small sibling present. That said, my two are genuinely best pals and routinely share their stuff, so it was more to “share the birthday cheer” rather than any attempt to avoid jealousy. It’s still always (very much) the birthday child’s day...

Newmumatlast · 04/10/2019 22:31

Your husband is right. You are actually at risk of creating a problem by getting into the routine of token gifts

Slappadabass · 04/10/2019 22:31

I do this. My two year old is far too young to understand why his older sibling is getting presents and he isnt.
Once he's old enough to understand I won't bother, but until he is there's no harm in getting him a little something, even if it's a magazine or a cheap toy, atleast they won't feel left out, plus he will be distracted with his own toy rather than trying to open and play with all his siblings new toys.

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 04/10/2019 22:31

You’re husband is right.
Children need to learn that not everything is about them and this will be much easier to teach them from a young age. If you give a sibling present now what age do you plan to stop? Why do you imagine it will be easier to teach a 10year old who has come to expect a sibling present that someone else’s birthday isn’t about them than it will be to teach a 2 year old who is still getting to grips with the concept of birthdays and presents?

My two are less than two years apart and I have never given a sibling a present. The non birthday child gets to choose a present for their sibling and even from a young age they are able to put a good amount of thought into it i such as sibling like cows, let’s get that book with the cow on) and honestly take pride in seeinf their sibling enjoy the thing they chose.

Newsheet · 04/10/2019 22:32

I give a little present. I want to enjoy the birthday and it just smooths the path! My siblings have their birthdays on consecutive days and when I was little I used to get a present. My birthday is in December so it was a long time to wait in any case for presents!

Jesus

My brothers birthday is the day after mine, so I would have to wait a really long time while he wouldn’t.

This idea of sibling presents is weird.

If their friends or siblings get married before they do do they get token wedding presents as well?

Snoopdogsbitch · 04/10/2019 22:32

Mam started it, not man as in ' He"s MY man's Grin

NataliaOsipova · 04/10/2019 22:33

Why do you imagine it will be easier to teach a 10year old who has come to expect a sibling present that someone else’s birthday isn’t about them than it will be to teach a 2 year old who is still getting to grips with the concept of birthdays and presents?

A 10 year old is a radically different being from a 2 year old!!

trilbydoll · 04/10/2019 22:34

Nope. One year dd1 went absolutely ballistic that dd2 had a present she wanted but it's part of growing up and it's only happened once. They are both pretty good at letting the other one unwrap one present tho.

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 04/10/2019 22:35

A 10 year old is a radically different being from a 2 year old!!

Well obviously. My point is that if you set expectations, you are just delaying the jealousy or fall out that OP is trying to avoid here.

Original poster
PlayerOne · 04/10/2019 22:35

Uh oh, mumsnet faux pas it would appear!

No problem, happy to accept IABU, thank you for the various different spins on the idea.

I really like the idea of helping them to choose a present for their sibling to give to them and will go with that (and will probably keep a small something wrapped up ready to give if I do sense any upset!)

OP posts:
UrsulaPandress · 04/10/2019 22:36

Ludicrous idea.

Sowingbees · 04/10/2019 22:37

My mil does this, it's unfair and really wrong.

frazzledasarock · 04/10/2019 22:38

I’ve always given token gifts to the non birthday sibling.
My eldest reminded me recently when I didn’t get my toddler a gift on my second DD’s birthday and toddler wanted to open gifts. Toddler doesn’t want things she enjoys opening presents.

My eldest is now 16 and according to her memory I used to give her amazing gifts on her siblings birthday her sibling would get main gift and also the same small thing too one year I got her a multi colour pen (apparently it was the best thing ever).

It made everyone happy and they had something exciting to compare and play with and neither rented the other having a big birthday gift.

Mind you I was going thro a horrendous divorce when my eldest two were little and they didn’t have much as ex had been very financially abusive.

totorostoes · 04/10/2019 22:41

If you want to keep the younger one occupied on the older ones birthday, just wrap up some stuff they already own. It’ll be the unwrapping they enjoy doing rather than what’s inside.

QueenofPain · 04/10/2019 22:41

Not helpful to you but I remember being absolutely raging mad at the cheek of my parents giving my 1 year old brother a present on MY 6th birthday! Didn’t they know it was my special day for presents and not his! Grin

PandaG · 04/10/2019 22:41

My gran used to give me or my sib a bar of chocolate on the other's birthday. A tiny token, we liked it - she always gave a bar of choc to the birthday child too, as well as a bigger present or cash. Didn't harm us, in fact it smoothed the way somewhat, but it is not a tradition we have upheld for our dc. We used to help them buy a present for the other.

Molly2017 · 04/10/2019 22:41

This year my DD will be turning 5 and my DS will be 2. No way will I be letting him get a sibling present/help unwrap/blow out candles.
He may be 2 but he understands the word no. It’s DD’s birthday not his.
You are making a rod for your own back and taking attention away from the birthday child.

Aprillygirl · 04/10/2019 22:41

Oh God no, I hate this. My sister did this with my nieces for years and they grew up to be spoilt brats always worrying that one is getting more of anything from their mother than the other.

user1493494961 · 04/10/2019 22:42

Agree with your husband, why start it.

Jayaywhynot · 04/10/2019 22:45

My sister did this and expected family to buy two gifts on every birthday so both kids got a gift, not happening ever, stupidest thing I'd ever heard, shes sorry now tho, still doing it and they are now teenagers

123rd · 04/10/2019 22:51

So does mine sowingbees- when it suites her. Not consistently tho.

It's DD birthday so let's celebrate that. When it's DS birthday we celebrate that. My kids don't need another presents just because it's their siblings bday.

I promise they won't grow up begrudging each other

YellWat · 04/10/2019 22:55

Wow so much vitriol. I don't do it with my kids as I always forget, but I grew up with what we called unbirthday presents. They were tiny and a token.
As we got older, my sisters and I continued it at our own cost and it's lovely. It is always something really cheap but thoughtful. Last one I got was a magnet with a photo of the last time we were all together. I love it and never mind having to think of others in the run up to my birthday because I'm not totally self obsessed...
It didn't spoil us in the slightest, made us slightly better humans, I'd argue.
Claws in, everyone.

FuriousVexation · 04/10/2019 22:56

My mum did this when I was young. I was 3 years and 14 days older than my sister.

I don't actually know why she did it or when we stopped, but I have a feeling my mum may have sold me on the idea that it was "helping your younger sister get on in the world." No idea what that actually means.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 04/10/2019 23:01

I always do a few sibling presents. My mum and my mother in law also bring a small gift for the non birthday child too. At their own suggestion, not mine.
My children are loving and caring and still very interested in what the birthday child has recieved.
Last Christmas day they both chose to sit and watch me and dh open the presents they had bought us before they opened their own presents. It certainly hasn't made them grabby. I can't see any harm in it.

Kolo · 04/10/2019 23:02

Ahhh my mom used to do this for me and my brother, and I do it for my kids too. Like a pp, we call it an ‘unbirthday’ present. It’s just a little gift to open on your siblings birthday. My kids are a bit older than yours, @PlayerOne, they’re junior school age, and I still do it, it’s just normal in our family. Rest assured that they do not demand presents on anyone else’s birthday, they don’t insist on presents on friends birthday and enjoy giving presents themselves. They also have already had plenty of opportunities to fail, share, take turns, be disappointed, be hurt and be jealous without me having to to engineer situations to achieve it.