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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to give sibling a present?

118 replies

PlayerOne · 04/10/2019 22:06

Just wondering what the general consensus is on here as DH and myself disagree on this one...

4th and 2nd birthdays coming up for my 2 kids.
This is a similar age gap to me and my siblings and we always got a small token present on the others birthday to prevent jealousy etc. I am happy to do this for our 2, but my husband thinks this is unnecessary and that they need to learn that they won't always get presents, not wanting to spoil them, etc.

This is fair enough for when they're older, but the youngest one is too small to understand this yet and I can imagine he might get upset when his big brother is showered with gifts and attention and he gets nothing.

What has everyone else done for their children?

OP posts:

Humbugsymalone · 04/10/2019 23:05

I do this, and my Mum did this for us.

I think it helps the birthday child realise everything isn't about them! Everyones celebrating, and it's nice for your sibling to have something too, and not feel left out. I think it spoils a child more to say: you have all the attention and presents and resent it if anyione else gets a tiny token.

And it meant we all grew up really looking forward to each others birthdays, they always felt like a celebration! Obviously the day is about celebrating the birthday child.

When you think about it, everyone gets a slice of birthday cake, it isn't just for the birthday child to eat....

chamenanged · 04/10/2019 23:23

I think it's better to swerve the whole idea of someone else's birthday being anything to be jealous of. Better to teach them to actively enjoy and get involved in spoiling other people on their birthdays. Like, could your younger one enjoy a treat of making cake/s for the older one's birthday or something like that? And hype them up about choosing a present for the birthday sibling? (Hopefully quite easy to convince a two year old that they've had a hand in choosing even when they haven't!)

lau888 · 04/10/2019 23:26

I'd suggest wrapping the token gift in several layers like pass-the-parcel. (The wrapping paper is always the best part; use up all your random odds and ends.) It will entertain your 2 y/o for quite a while, as you are busy helping your 4 y/o admire their new possessions.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 04/10/2019 23:30

If a child gets upset at someone else having a gift or special treat,then that’s when you nip it in the bud not encourage jealousy fgs.

Deadringer · 04/10/2019 23:31

I have never done it but know people who do. Can't get excited about it, do whatever suits your family.

limitedscreentime · 04/10/2019 23:44

Our siblings give each other a present - I hope it promotes empathy and IMO is only a continuation of a 'tradition' which started the day the second was born and each gave each other a gift.

As they get older I will let them decide if they want to continue. I hope they will. It's nice to treat others. For now we discuss feelings and how we can help others through kindness. It's not a perfect solution and has many flaws but I'm comfortable with it. If we didn't do this, I would not get the sibling a present. They understand taking turns and sharing, but for example, when they go to a birthday party they are treated at the party and usually have a party bag to take home. It's about spreading the birthday love !

raspberryk · 04/10/2019 23:49

No I don't agree with it, they need to learn they don't get something every time the other does. Otherwise anytime one needs shoes the other will want something, then when one needs something else the other will want something else too. I am teaching mine that they are treated equally because they have what they need when they need it not just because the other gets something.

TriciaH87 · 04/10/2019 23:58

As a child my nanna and my aunt on dad's side always did this. They lived 7 hours away. On our birthday we got £10 in our card, on the others birthday we had a small envelope in their cars with £5 in it. In effect we got £15 for birthdays it was just spread over the two occasions. I suggest if your going to do this that it be something small that you were getting anyway for their birthday. However if your not in agreement why not do it as a thank you gift from sibling for their birthday present from them.

rededucator · 05/10/2019 00:06

I think it's a disgusting idea. What's next, they get jealous because their present is smaller so you buy them bigger and bigger presents until they are equal. 'Your sibling is getting a present because it's their birthday, you'll get one I your birthday. Learn to be happy for others. Empathy.' You'd be doing your child a great disservice by doing what you've described.

rededucator · 05/10/2019 00:07

This reminds me of a poster who's SIL tried to insist that she relit the candles on her DCs birthday cake so the cousin could blow them out too 'because he liked it'. Eh, no. Not your birthday today pal!

HalfManHalfLabrador · 05/10/2019 00:13

YABU

Tvci5 · 05/10/2019 00:18

I did this with my two, they're a year apart and it worked well. They seem to have grown up pretty well adjusted and not the least bit entitled. 😄

pikapikachu · 05/10/2019 00:36

I agree with your h. There's balloons, cake etc that the other sibling can enjoy :)

Excited101 · 05/10/2019 00:40

If they get upset at not having anything, that’s precisely when you don’t give them anything op! Children will be upset many thousands of times in their lives, learning and growing is hard, but by giving a present when it isn’t their day you’re rewarding jealousy, not teaching giving and generosity.

Tavannach · 05/10/2019 00:46

The cake is for spreading the joy.

Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 00:52

Its not a bad thing for kids to learn it's ok, for other people to have a day thats about that other person.

I knew a family who did this. Didnt stop really badly sibling rivalry.

pickme · 05/10/2019 00:57

Nope. I have twins who go to different schools one of them his teacher and taxi driver buy him a card and token present, the other gets nothing.
Might seem cruel to some but it is life and they learn. The twin who doesn't get presents his school give cash prizes at the end of term, and he tends to win a couple, other twin his school don't.

RubbingHimSourly · 05/10/2019 00:58

My two used to get their weekly comment wrapped up instead of just being handed over. It was all in good fun.

DramaAlpaca · 05/10/2019 00:59

My DM did sibling presents with us, back in the late 60s, early 70s, so it's not a new thing. My sibling's birthday is in early December so my present was always the Blue Peter annual

I did not do sibling presents with my own DC. I thought it was a daft idea.

BluebellCockleshell123 · 05/10/2019 01:01

I've always encouraged my children to pick out and give presents to each other on their birthdays...not to receive one themselves! Never too early for a lesson that the world doesn't revolve around them. And don't underestimate the enjoyment a small child gets out of giving a present.

stickeritup · 05/10/2019 01:03

My younger sister's birthday is a month after mine and mine was always spent with relatives saying to her 'not long till yours X. What are you getting for your birthday? What kind of party are you having?'

I understand now that they were just trying to stop her feeling left out on my birthday, but it used to make it feel like they didn't care about mine because they were trying to rush towards hers (petty and pathetic I realise now, but we were young kids.)

Anyway, I suppose what I'm saying is that I think it's best for each child to get their own day, free of the other kids getting presents too. I agree with your husband.

Durgasarrow · 05/10/2019 01:24

This is the kind of thing that other people make fun of on Mumsnet. You don't want to be THAT mother, do you?

Unknownanon · 05/10/2019 07:44

I wouldn't, purely from experience of seeing my sister's friend receive 'unbirthday'gifts. she would get all sulky at other childrens birthdays if she didn't get a gift too and tantrum if not winning the pass the parcel present. Her sibling was the same. She's lovely now but was a brat as a child, up until her teens she sulked!

We always saw the birthday cake sharing as our treat.

FizzyIce · 05/10/2019 08:27

God forbid your little darling should be upset for a few minutes on his brother birthday .. bloody hell .
No wonder some kids struggle with not being the centre of attention of their parents won’t even tolerate the idea of them being a bit upset on a siblings birthday .
That’s life and the sooner they realise it ,the better they’ll be .
Will they also get a present on your birthday? Or their friends birthdays ?
Love to see you explain that one at a party ..”no ,no . This one is for my son so he doesn’t kick off at your birthday party”

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/10/2019 08:30

I don't agree with sibling gifts. Happy to make sure I have some one to one time with the littlest one.

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