Is there any point in waiting for him to settle

[plumpvelvetcushions]

I’ll tey not to bore with specific details but my bf of a year and a half is slow to move thing on. It’s taken this long to get to meet more than twice a week for a few hours and a sleepover. I’ve met the family, his friends and we’ve had a night away a few times.

We now meet every second evening and at weekends for a full
Day and night on Saturday. Sometimes Sunday evening.

Thing is, I want us to move on and move in. He’s not ready but I ask myself will he ever be ready. He’s my ideal man in many ways.
I understand that he does not want to lose his tenants and I definitely cannot cover half the mortgage and bills. He earns a ton more than me. I’m at a cross roads. He’s not sure about moving in. He’s not sure about kids and I’m getting worried that I’m
Being strung along

.Hes 34 fgs and I’m 28.Am I too pushy. Is it worth hanging in there?

He doesn't want to move in with you. He may not want to marry/move in with anyone - not everyone wants to 'settle down'.
Either enjoy dating him/shagging him for the moment (bearing in mind that you are 28, so not panicking about the last few months of childbearing time) or, if you are desperate for a life of domesticity, find someone else.
It's never a good idea to nag and whine and manipulate a man into Moving The Relationship On. If he wanted to, he would. If he doesn't, and allows you to steamroller him into marriage and parenthood for the sake of peace and quiet, he will either dump you for someone more appealing or, every row you ever have, he will tell you that you wanted to get married and have DC and now you can just put up with him the way he is.

He likes his independence for definite.He likes to do his own thing on his timeline and it’s taken him this long to get him to this stage.

He won’t have me steamroll anything.He knows what he wants and he is stubborn.

God, he sounds like my partner. I wish now that I had ended things at your stage, before our finances were linked and things got much more complicated.

His stubbornness will only get worse.

Oh dear! That doesn’t sound too great. He is really lovely but sometimes his selfishness drives me nuts.Im
Getting tired of it all being on his terms and he being in the driving seat but I am mad for him!

I think you’ve posted the same question in different guises twice in the last couple of months...

Is this you:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3701243-Expectations-after-16-months-together?pg=1&order=

And this:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3645946-Am-I-expecting-too-much?pg=1&order=

?

Not me no!
Second time poster here!

"He is really lovely but sometimes his selfishness drives me nuts"

I've said exactly the same thing many times over the years. Honestly, my advice to you is to end it. The loveliness will fade and you will become used to being second/ third/ tenth best, to always having to compromise YOUR needs because he is more stubborn, until you catch yourself becoming a shell of your former self.

I really don’t want that obviously but when I am about to split and jog on , he does something truly kind and genuine. I think he is spoilt.
I have been with many toxic men.He is not one of them but nobody’s perfect, eh? Have to catch myself sometimes and ask if I’m the problem.high maintenance.needy?oushy?

He's not ready yet. Just enjoy the relationship for what it is, there are great advantages to not living together which people do not always realise until they do it!

In a year's time he may be ready. It is a big decision so don't put on any pressure but if you really do feel he is not committed, you don't have to stay with him. It sounds as though he is keen on you because you see each other so often.

What form does his selfishness take?

Is he generous and kind towards you?

Surely you’ve posted this before. Same ages, same length of relationship, can’t afford to pay half etc....

He is selfish with his time and talking about himself.He can turn any topic of conversation back to him.He plays sport like he is a pro and follows sport like a superfan so that comes first.He follows a certain musician around Europe so that is another passion that comes before me.He is generous thoughand often treats me to dinner and treats.

He is very kind and sensitive to me. When he is with me

He's just not that into you. He does these supposedly nice things to keep you on the hook. You're convenient to him.

Do yourself a favour and dump him, go find someone who will put you first.

Believe me that when a man wants to settle down with you, you will know about it!

Read back to yourself what you've written. What would you say to a friend in this position?

In what ways is he your ideal man? Because so far he's not offering you what you want.

I’m not sure that is true.He treat me very well when we are together.He isn’t interested in other girls.He is kind sympathetic ,supportive, generous and thoughtful.He can be immature and spoilt for definite.This is why I asked if it’s worth hanging in there

I really am not in denial
About him.I see the negatives but I really wanted to ask if it would work in your experience ?Is he worth the wait in your experience?will he grow up?!!

FFS you are 28. You should be living your life, exploring what the world has to offer, building your career, etc. Why do so many women waste their youth trotting after men who are not that fussed about them? Why are you so desperate to 'settle down'? Women are more likely to get the shitty end of the stick when they move in with a man anyway - he might have more money than you so you will maybe expect a more lavish lifestyle, but you will be 'pauing' by being the one who does all the domestic work.

I would love to get married and have a family.He is stable respectable funny loving kind and I trust that he doesn’t look at other girls. Men like him don’t come round very often. Can I balance his selfishness?ive been with right toads

I'd be very, very wary of having children with a selfish man. Having children requires almost the total sacrifice of all of your time for a good few years. He doesn't sound like he'll be doing much sacrificing so it will all come down to you.

It's actually quite easy to be in a fairly happy, long relationship with someone who is selfish prior to kids. Say he insists on spending every Sunday playing golf. When it's just the two of you that might be fine, probably not a massive issue. You can work, see friends, do your own hobby etc.

When you're being left on your own every Sunday with two kids because he insists on keeping up with the golf regardless then you will probably feel differently.

If you decide to stick with him then go in with your eyes open. Don't expect him to change because you get married and have children. He is quite clear about who he is and I suspect he will always come first.

I would think really carefully about whether he's the right one for you to be honest.

Oh God, I can't imagine a worse partner. He'd never give up his sport or music trips and you'll be back on here joining all the other 'hobby widows' before you know it. Children and fanatical obesseion with hobbies just don't mix.

Perhaps try the Freedom Programme to work on why you feel it's ok to settle for so many compromises here?

Exactly what @Sunshinegirl82 said.

But if and when children arrive is it not unreasonable to expect a man to reduce time on his passions.Surely a man who has a child understands that the child comes before his hobbies.Do you think he is looking for a woman to breed. It not be involved ?