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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is there any point in waiting for him to settle

91 replies

plumpvelvetcushions · 04/10/2019 20:47

I’ll tey not to bore with specific details but my bf of a year and a half is slow to move thing on. It’s taken this long to get to meet more than twice a week for a few hours and a sleepover. I’ve met the family, his friends and we’ve had a night away a few times.

We now meet every second evening and at weekends for a full
Day and night on Saturday. Sometimes Sunday evening.

Thing is, I want us to move on and move in. He’s not ready but I ask myself will he ever be ready. He’s my ideal man in many ways.
I understand that he does not want to lose his tenants and I definitely cannot cover half the mortgage and bills. He earns a ton more than me. I’m at a cross roads. He’s not sure about moving in. He’s not sure about kids and I’m getting worried that I’m
Being strung along

.Hes 34 fgs and I’m 28.Am I too pushy. Is it worth hanging in there?

OP posts:
Cleanmywindows · 04/10/2019 23:29

Do yourself a favour and find a partner who prioritizes you about sports and gigs. This is especially necessary if you're planning a family. You seem to be thinking that hes going to give up or at least reign in his selfishness if you move in together. What makes you think that?

Cleanmywindows · 04/10/2019 23:32

*above (not about)

Ohyesiam · 04/10/2019 23:35

Don’t have children with a selfish man

Cleanmywindows · 04/10/2019 23:37

And yes you would think that the arrival of children would bring about a reevaluation of priorities. Not for all men though sadly. There are plenty of them out there who think daily gym visits, 3-4 times weekly football nonsense + associated pub drinking and / or obsession level 'training' for running / cycling / triathlon etc are compatible with family life in the early years. Dont be one of the unfortunate women who believe them, or dont, but are stuck doing everything anyway!

shinynewapple · 04/10/2019 23:38

I would switch around what you have said, in that you are 'only 28' and that a year really isn't a long time in a relationship.

You can't coerce someone into settling down with you though. It wouldn't end well. Maybe give it a few more months?

Raphael34 · 04/10/2019 23:46

I’ve only read the first post, but he’d be happy to move for the right person. He’s Luke warm with you at best. You need to move on

Original poster
plumpvelvetcushions · 04/10/2019 23:49

It is quite difficult to project what life will be like with this man. He has so many amazing characteristics and yet he is terribly slow to commit despite knowing feom
Early on that I would commit to him. I mean he knows o feel strongly for him so if he felt the same would he not do everything to hold on to me.He says I’m gorgeous and funny and caring yet he won’t take the next step. That is why I doubt myself.if he wanted it he would try to hold on tight but what he does is hold on just enough to keep me for another period F time. I’m so confused

OP posts:
anomoony · 04/10/2019 23:49

But if and when children arrive is it not unreasonable to expect a man to reduce time on his passions.

It is perfectly reasonable to expect that. It is also a fact that not nearly all of them do that.

Look, a selfish partner is annoying but a selfish co-parent is WAY more so. I don't think this is the right person for you.

Purpleartichoke · 04/10/2019 23:53

Moving in is just the first step. Then you will likely want to get engaged, married, join finances, and have a baby. Really try to picture this man at each of those stages. Is he dragging his feet? Is he resentful about scaling back his leisure time? If so, them move on.

I made this mistake with my first husband. He was slow to commit. He didn’t want domesticity to interfere with going to concerts and hanging with his friends. Everyone around me saw it, but no on one said anything until I left. Then suddenly I got a torrent of comments about the fact that he was a man-child.

My now husband, could not wait to jump into a true partnership with me.

raspberryk · 05/10/2019 00:01

At 18 months if it is a proper relationship you are both usually looking at wanting to be moving in together, my partner and I moved in at around the year mark depending on which part of our relationship you're counting from. We talked about it a few months in as what we wanted "us" to look like within a few years, a job opportunity local to me came up 4 months before which we decided he would go for, see if he got it and decide what we would do, we booked a weeks family holiday which went amazingly and he went for it so when the new job started he moved in. We could only really do weekends/holidays due to distance/me having young kids and we couldn't bear to be apart any longer. It does sound concerning that he doesn't want to be with you as much as he can and you have had to push for contact. That was my biggest regret with XH, I pushed for more when I should have realised he would never ever be ready to settle. If he isn't ready now, he either may never be ready or you aren't the one for him. It seems like it is very much casual that he is after and it wont end well if you ask him for more. I wouldn't put my eggs in his basket.

Azuresilver · 05/10/2019 00:01

He likes you, you meet his girlfriend needs. However he has lots of other areas of his life that he likes too. He's made it clear that he wants it all - time on his many interests, time on his own, people living in his house that pay him rent and a girlfriend around now and then. Nothing wrong with that, it doesn't sound like he has been dishonest with you about any of this.

You seem to want more - which is also perfectly reasonable. However your wishes are incompatible with his, on the whole. I wouldn't assume that his will change necessarily. Lots of men and women do want to settle down and have children, which should necessitate less selfish time. He doesn't seem to be one of those. If you do, then why waste much more time who has different life goals than you?

Just 'not cheating' and occasionally treating you is not enough, when you fundamentally want different lifestyles.

HUZZAH212 · 05/10/2019 00:04

Sounds like you're flogging a dead horse. His lifestyle suits him and you being on the fringes of it suits him too. Yes, he's 'lovely' when you pull away because he'll pull his finger out just enough to keep you there. Either enjoy it as it is for what it is, or move on to something potentially more suited to your wants. Plus without being awful - he sounds like the kind of bloke where you'll split up and hear he's met 'the one', got engaged, married, and has a baby on the way after meeting a new girl and being together 6mths. Or he'll still be lightly dating someone by the time he's 45.

meccacos2 · 05/10/2019 00:05

You need to pull back from the relationship.

He’s getting all his needs met right now. There’s no motivation to move in with him.

TheSmallAssassin · 05/10/2019 00:07

Cut your losses. His good points don't outweigh his bad points, he doesn't feel as strongly about you as you feel about him - you deserve better.

QualCheckBot · 05/10/2019 00:10

Do you think he is looking for a woman to breed.

Ahem.

I don't think you are compatible. He would be better with someone who is either interested in his hobbies or is really independent and can do her own hobbies and keep herself occupied while being really chilled about marriage and kids.

You sound as though you need someone from a non-European culture who has a very traditional view of set roles in life. Why don't you just find someone else you actually like instead of someone you keep describing as selfish and whom you want to give up his hobbies and totally change his lifestyle to accommodate you? He clearly doesn't want to.

dodgeballchamp · 05/10/2019 00:14

Does HE want marriage and children though? It doesn’t sound like he does. And that’s perfectly OK, not everyone wants that and it’s not an inevitable part of getting older that you’ll suddenly want to ‘settle down’. Your life goals are incompatible, you should dump him and find someone on the same page. Also I wouldn’t ever combine finances with anyone, let alone someone who earned less. That may be a concern of his.

Original poster
plumpvelvetcushions · 05/10/2019 00:16

I have read and am grateful for all the replies.Thanks everybody.when single
We all indulge our hobbies and past times and when we marry and have children do they not go to the back row?? I believed that this is how life would work. It has taken so long to get to this stage. He was completely un committed to us but seems to have turned a corner in the last few months. The hobbies and pastimes still
Take a front seat but we meet around them. Why do I even think that is could work? Probably because this is what I have seen with friends over the last few years. Reasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
plumpvelvetcushions · 05/10/2019 00:22

I think he would like the conventionality of it all but not sure about kids . I would like kids though. That is important to me.i would be happy to have a child with him even if we weren’t married plus he is not 100% sure so there is a chance. Isn’t there? At times I think he is maybe too selfish to have a child and That is why he isn’t too sure as he would not be number one anymore. I would still make him number one however.he has always said to Me that just because he doesn’t want a child shouldn’t mean that I should t want a child.He also sid that even if it doesn’t work out , at least I know what it’s like to be loved and respected. He was so right here as I have had many horrible
Relationships.

OP posts:
QualCheckBot · 05/10/2019 00:24

Its perfectly normal for married people to have hobbies. Some do, some don't, some do less when they have young children but still keep them going and then do more when time allows. It can depend on the hobby, but generally hobbies are considered a good thing for both physical and mental health.

Is there a reason you have such rigid views? Don't you have any hobbies yourself? Wouldn't you prefer someone with whom you have more in common with?

Sunshine93 · 05/10/2019 00:26

Honestly I would walk away, you have been with him just over a year and already you have called him selfish and stubborn. You are still young. Is your dream man really selfish and stubborn? Do you want to bring up children with a man who is selfish and stubborn? Is that the male role model you want for them?

stop waiting for him to change, Men don't change and in my experience having children makes things harder not easier.

HUZZAH212 · 05/10/2019 00:28

Listen to what he's telling you - he doesn't want you to move in, he hasn't asked you to get married, he's saying he doesn't want a child. He's sugar coating it saying you should be happy he's treating you well 🙄 Your bar in a relationship should not be set at someone just not treating you badly.

Sunshine93 · 05/10/2019 00:29

also look into the financial/legal implications of having a child when not married. You have no rights to his money etc if you split.

I totally get how splitting u[ is hard after 18 months but separating heart fro head you surely know you can find someone better for you?

he really doesnt sound very nice

Alittleodd · 05/10/2019 00:31

I thought the thread title was about a fussy child refusing to go to sleep and I was coming on to say "Look, OP if he's taking forever to settle I'd cut your losses at this stage and just leave him to his own devices."

I see I was mistaken about the context.

Same advice.

Original poster
plumpvelvetcushions · 05/10/2019 00:32

I have my own hobbies. They happen on a Monday and a Thursday. I work full time and then I like to relax. I will drop one of those nights to meet a friend, meet him or do a family celebration.I am not rigid. I am
Flexible and love trumps them all.He however is rigid. Tues is football night and Wednesday is family night. Friday is friends and Sunday is footie on tv. I would meet him when I can

OP posts:
Dumplings4dinner · 05/10/2019 00:37

I don’t think at your ages 1.5 years is being slow, regarding moving in, making commitments etc

I’d give it another year or 2 and actually spend the time enjoying each other and your own child free commitment free life. You are only 28 I don’t think you need to be panicking about children yet. If you were 5 year older I would understand the rush.