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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is there any point in waiting for him to settle

91 replies

plumpvelvetcushions · 04/10/2019 20:47

I’ll tey not to bore with specific details but my bf of a year and a half is slow to move thing on. It’s taken this long to get to meet more than twice a week for a few hours and a sleepover. I’ve met the family, his friends and we’ve had a night away a few times.

We now meet every second evening and at weekends for a full
Day and night on Saturday. Sometimes Sunday evening.

Thing is, I want us to move on and move in. He’s not ready but I ask myself will he ever be ready. He’s my ideal man in many ways.
I understand that he does not want to lose his tenants and I definitely cannot cover half the mortgage and bills. He earns a ton more than me. I’m at a cross roads. He’s not sure about moving in. He’s not sure about kids and I’m getting worried that I’m
Being strung along

.Hes 34 fgs and I’m 28.Am I too pushy. Is it worth hanging in there?

OP posts:
raspberryk · 05/10/2019 00:44

But he is 6 years older than the OP, if he isn't ready at 34 then he isn't going to be ready at 36. And let me tell you from someone who was single at 27 and 31 it is a lot easier finding a partner when you're under 30. At 28 I wouldn't be wasting time on someone who wasn't interested in settling. If she waits 2 years and he still is dragging his feet she will have wasted 3.5 years of her best years. Believe me that feels like shit!

Meshy23 · 05/10/2019 00:45

Personally I would end this now. I was the same at 27 and it was exhausting - I decided to care more about myself than the man. I met my husband the next year and I’ve never had to play games or demand anything from him - we are on the same page.

You have said it has taken him so long to get to this stage where you meet regularly - usually when a couple are in love they can’t get enough of each other and don’t need to convince the other to spend time.

If someone doesn’t give you what you want then he just isn’t the right “one” for you and he isn’t into you enough for it to work out.

It’s been a year and a half already - his feelings are unlikely to intensify anymore. If he doesn’t love you already he may never do so. So are you really going to have to demand from him that he takes every life step with you. If you move in with him, are you going to demand he proposes to you, and then sets a wedding date?.

Also you want kids and honestly you should find someone that has said they want them too (at some point in future) or you will resent your partner.

If you do break up, 28 is still really young. I also didn’t feel young at 28 but honestly you still have a whole lifetime of adventures ahead of you if you want that.

Sorry if I’m being harsh but having been in your shoes at the same age i know it didn’t bode well for me and I was simply tired of feeling unhappy - new love is meant to make you happy and nothing less than that is worth it!

ReanimatedSGB · 05/10/2019 00:46

You really are heading for a miserable life, OP. I wonder if therapy would help you get over this desperation for marriage/kids. Because women as desperate as you are always end up with dodgy men. This one sounds like he might have the sense and the self-respect to walk away from you when the nagging and whining get on his nerves, but a nastier man will realise that desperate women make excellent doormats.

It's perfectly all right to prefer hobbies and a social life to domesticity. There is nothing wrong with refusing to marry or have kids, ever. I don't think he's 'leading you on' as he has told you he doesn't want to set up home with you or to have children. You might want to have a think about whether your behaviour is actually unethical in that you seem to care only about what you want and be determined to find the magic button that will make him compliant, whether he likes it or not.

And 'settling down' when you're young is a sign of immaturity. It's a sign that you have given up on doing anything interesting with your life.

Original poster
plumpvelvetcushions · 05/10/2019 00:48

He does love me. In his own way.I know he is slower that normal men but we at getting there. Surely somebody here had this experience of a man who was fearful of settling down!

OP posts:
Graphista · 05/10/2019 00:50

You are wasting your time with this one.

He is practically screaming at you that he has no interest in moving in, marrying, having children etc

You are BOTTOM of his list of priorities, his family, friends and hobbies, even watching footie on telly ALL come before you.

For the love of all that is sensible use good reliable contraception and do not be tempted to "accidentally" get pregnant

this man would be an appalling life long partner/spouse and father

You wouldn't still make him no 1 if you had a child because you can't - if you did you'd be a pretty poor mother!

Cut your losses stop flogging this not only dead but rotting horse and get some therapy before you enter another relationship

HeddaGarbled · 05/10/2019 00:51

I wouldn’t waste any more time on him. He sounds like the sort of man who would keep you hanging for a marriage proposal for years and expect you to sob with gratitude if and when he eventually decides to do it, but if you suggested marriage would say he wants to propose when he’s ready and then make you wait another 5 years for having the temerity to bring up the subject yourself.

You’ll always be on the back foot with a man like this.

You want a man who you’re on an equal level with, who feels the same about you as you feel about him, who feels the same as you about the future of your relationship, not one who has to be dragged kicking and screaming towards every inch of further commitment.

He won’t make you happy - he will destroy your self-esteem.

raspberryk · 05/10/2019 00:51

YES WE HAVE AND WE ARE TELLING YOU IT ENDED BADLY

Graphista · 05/10/2019 00:53

What raspberryk said! We've had that experience and are telling you it does not work

sue51 · 05/10/2019 00:57

Why should he settle down? He has things exactly as he wants them. Sport, music and a girlfriend who lets him put her last. Honestly OP , wake up to yourself and find someone who prioritises you.

dodgeballchamp · 05/10/2019 00:59

It’s nothing to do with being fearful of settling down! He might just not want to, ever! Sounds like he’s been pretty clear about how he lives his life and intends to carry on and you’re just not listening, instead choosing to believe it’s because he’s ‘fearful’ or scared of commitment.

Also this comment We all indulge our hobbies and past times and when we marry and have children do they not go to the back row?? I believed that this is how life would work - there is no one correct way to do life. Don’t expect him to come round to your way of thinking because it’s ‘how you thought life would work’. You really do sound completely incompatible

Weenurse · 05/10/2019 00:59

Generally hobbies do get put on the back burner after children, but there are many threads here about selfish men who prioritise themselves over their families.
Do not enter thing thinking he will change as he won’t.
Can you live the next 50 years with him as he is now?

hiddenworlds · 05/10/2019 01:03

I wouldn't move in with someone who couldn't pay half the bills (not the same as earning the same). I wouldn't want to have to subsidise someone who couldn't pay their own way.

Henchmen33 · 05/10/2019 01:05

You are definitely the op from the other 2 times. You are still doing odd things with your punctuation. Give up already

Wallywobbles · 05/10/2019 01:07

You'll never be first and not will the kids. You'll be the one that picks up a lifetime of slack. Run for the hills. And the less you wait around for him the more interested he'll be.

Seriously mug him off.

morrisseysquif · 05/10/2019 01:07

OP, you say 'Surely a man who has a child understands that the child comes before his hobbies.Do you think he is looking for a woman to breed. It not be involved ?'

Sadly, many too many threads where men put the hobby aka themselves and their 'me' time first.

I am a music widow. The music, as in him and his wish to pursue music above me, our newborn and earning money has broken us.

DON'T BE US.

HUZZAH212 · 05/10/2019 01:08

He's just not that into you.

pumkinspicetime · 05/10/2019 01:22

Look, a selfish partner is annoying but a selfish co-parent is WAY more so. I don't think this is the right person for you.
Honestly this. Don't waste anymore time. He sounds like he would be a dreadful co parent.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 05/10/2019 01:44

No, they don't give up their hobbies. Some of us stupidly thought they might.

You really aren't listening to the answer to your question.

expat101 · 05/10/2019 01:52

It seems to me you are just fitting in where it suits him in his life. He isn't sharing anything with you, hobbies, interests etc. You have ''your'' night or so and then off he goes back to doing his stuff and I'm not reading that it's due to distance that is separating you either...

How about making yourself not available when its expected you will meet up next? Just try it for a couple of times and see how he reacts, will he turn up unexpectedly to see if everything is alright or wait it out until the next expected meeting date...? I think from that you can determine where you fit into his picture.

Motoko · 05/10/2019 02:02

However you ask these questions, the answers are going to be the same. You're deluding yourself because you don't like the answers.

You need to read the multitude of threads on here, about selfish partners, especially when they become parents. They don't change because children have come along, they just carry on as if they were still single, leaving all the work to their partners, and barely have a relationship with their children.

If a man is madly in love with you, he will love spending time with you, you won't need to have to persuade him.

This bloke likes things just the way they are, so you are incompatible. Cut your losses, mourn the relationship, and move on. And do the Freedom Programme, as suggested up thread.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 05/10/2019 06:19

He's just not that into you!!

Ive seen this so many times, including with a couple of DHs friends. They "aren't ready" to move in"... the relationship never goes anywhere. Funnily enough when they meet the right girl they move in like a shot. When you have fallen in love with someone (and you are not really young, eg under 25), you want that time you only get living together. Lazy breakfasts. Quiet evenings in.

You are desperate and he knows it. Find someone who adores you.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 05/10/2019 06:29

This doesn't sound like him not wanting to live with you per se, but not wanting to financially support you. You've said you couldn't contribute half to bills, etc and after 28 months and with no children why should he be paying your way? I owned my own place before then DP, now DH moved in. If I'd said I was kicking my tenants it to move DP in, but he couldn't pay his way, there would've been calls of cocklodger immediately from MN.

DH and I both have hobbies, more so before DS and if you make a commitment, you make a commitment especially for things like team sports unless there's a really good reason not to, we both go the same night every week. Friends and family plans tend to be more flexible. DH and I didn't live together until around 18 months into our relationship and we'd known each other as friends for 14 years by that point. You have different expectations of a relationship so it's unlikely to work out.

Fatted · 05/10/2019 06:35

Well I wouldn't want to move in with someone who couldn't afford to pay half of the mortgage or half of the bills either.

I doubt you will actually pay any attention to what I say because I'm not saying what you want to say. But honestly stop pleasing every one else and work on your own self esteem. Why do you change your plans at to accommodate other people all the time? Why do you think people should give up their life because they are in a relationship?

Every one is telling you what will happen if you carry on with this relationship. No one is ever going to tell you they magically changed and everything ended happily ever after.

PapayaCoconut · 05/10/2019 06:56

he knows o feel strongly for him so if he felt the same would he not do everything to hold on to me

Yes, he would. And he isn't. Don't humiliate yourself further. I can't believe you're pushing to move in with someone who doesn't want to! Have some bloody pride, woman!

Mintjulia · 05/10/2019 06:56

You’ve said you would love to get married and have kids. He doesn’t want to. He wants to be sports boy, with girlie in tow for sex and a nice lunch out.
Even if he marries you, he will expect to carry on doing sport and going to gigs with the boys. If he gives you a child, it will be to keep you quiet. You’ll be a single mum with someone extra to cook for.
Don’t waste your time. Find someone who wants you for you.

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