Is there any point in waiting for him to settle

[plumpvelvetcushions]

I’ll tey not to bore with specific details but my bf of a year and a half is slow to move thing on. It’s taken this long to get to meet more than twice a week for a few hours and a sleepover. I’ve met the family, his friends and we’ve had a night away a few times.

We now meet every second evening and at weekends for a full
Day and night on Saturday. Sometimes Sunday evening.

Thing is, I want us to move on and move in. He’s not ready but I ask myself will he ever be ready. He’s my ideal man in many ways.
I understand that he does not want to lose his tenants and I definitely cannot cover half the mortgage and bills. He earns a ton more than me. I’m at a cross roads. He’s not sure about moving in. He’s not sure about kids and I’m getting worried that I’m
Being strung along

.Hes 34 fgs and I’m 28.Am I too pushy. Is it worth hanging in there?

Women are more likely to get the shitty end of the stick when they move in with a man anyway

Odd thing to say!

Selfish men don't change after children. They just dump more wifework and guilt on their partner.

I'd wave this one goodbye, especially if you want marriage and a family.

Thanks for replying. I just got through them all and am hearing pretty. Much the same advice. Bin him off

If I'm honest OP what I'm hearing is that you have had a number of relationships with men who treated you badly and that this guy treats you better than they did so you think he must be the one. I think that's where you're going wrong.

He might not be actively horrible to you, might even be pretty nice to you on his own terms but if you don't share the same life goals it won't work out. You'll never be a team.

It doesn't mean he's a bad person, just not the right person for you. He clearly wants a fairly light relationship on his own terms which fits around his current commitments which he has no intention of changing. You want more than that. Neither of you are wrong but you are incompatible. If you try to force him down the marriage a babies route he will resent you, it's clearly not what he wants.

I'd end this amicably and spend some time looking at why all your relationships have been with men who treat you badly or are luke warm towards you. You need to break this pattern. Good luck.

I spent years with my DH before getting married and having kids. We did move in together but he always said he wasn't ready to get married or let me buy into his house/commit ourselves financially. Our relationship was great in every other way, but I found myself going on about marriage all the time to him/anyone who would listen and often got very upset. Finally realised I couldn't change him and he'd need to make up his mind about our future in his own time. Developed my own daily mantra ("I have a choice, i have control over my happiness. Am I happier with him in our current set up, or without him? If happier, stop moaning and enjoy. If not happier, do something about it"). I stayed. Eventually he proposed out the blue, we got married and now have 3 kids. Since being married he's said he wishes he'd been ready sooner, as marriage is awesome. We're v much a team. So in my experience it can work, but you can't change someone, and I think it's important not to lose yourself while waiting for them, if that's what you decide to do.

Thanks. What is the freedom programme please

Oh my gosh, why are you desperate to move on a relationship with a man you find selfish?!

Don't move in with a selfish man, don't marry one, definitely don't have children with one.

Find someone kind and lovely!

I think you need to take a step back here. Don't see him so frequently, spend more time on your career and hobbies. He's getting your undivided attention without making any commitment to you, and you are putting all your focus on him providing what you want for your future. He's not ready, he has no intention of changing his living arrangements, getting married or having kids at this point. I'm not saying he never will, but you could be waiting a long time. Maybe even start dating again and keep your options open.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I am not sure his guy is abusive per se but it sounds like you’ve had poor relationships previously.
honestly though the key thing is you are not his priority and long term he does not sound like he would make a good partner or father.

I was in a similar relationship years ago and could have written a lot of your posts - it was sheer luck/timing I broke up with him and even when I was long term single I never regretted it.

You are 28 so you “have time” still, but you don’t have that much time. it took me until I was 33 to find my DP and I feel I cut it very fine.
Rip the plaster off and get on with meeting someone who prioritises you not just tears you nicely when it’s convenient

To add to everyone else - and I totally agree with all PPs - the rigidity will also not improve. You are being compartmentalised. So if he wants to move on he will simply remove your compartment and replace with a new model. There is no (or very little) interaction with the rest of his life. 18 months to me at my age would be nothing but I am in my 50's and not in a hurry.

If you move in together things will change.
He will carry on doing what he does now.
You will probably take on all the household stuff to 'please' him
He will not be happy that you can't pay as much as him so you will pay as much as you can and have no free money.
If you have children you will probably be left with all the childcare,it will affect your work and you will have zero security.
Read the relationship board,full of women with partners who make no change to their lives to accommodate a family.
Do the Freedom program and if you stay with this man do it with eyes wide open.

Getting tired of it all being on his terms and he being in the driving seat but I am mad for him

If at 18 months it is getting you down at 5 years in you will be completely depressed.

The fact that you know he is selfish and you still want to plough on suggests you don't think you deserve better and he is your only chance. Please ignore his money, ability to treat you and charm. That is all superficial and doesn't build a happy life.

Having a child knowing your partner is selfish is putting yourself onto a path of unhappiness.

He is getting his needs met so of course is charming but what if you were sick and it clashed with one of his events...what would he do?

Honestly I have been there, selfish men never change and indeed get worse as you are in the BEST phase now. This is it, as good as it will ever be.

28 is fine, it is true good men are hard to find so you have to date lots Once you know their bad traits get out as no point wasting time.

If you dump him and he declares love don't believe it..know what you feel and recognise you deserve more.

I think you want someone to tell you that he will commit if you just wait. There is a very good chance that he won’t at all or he doesn’t like you that much but may commit to someone who really turns his head. I would pull back and put a time limit on it - if he hasn’t moved things forward on his own volition then you need

Sorry posted too soon. You need to move on. Don’t waste too many years if it’s not going where you hope.

Eighteen months is long enough to be in a relationship to know if you are compatible and have similar life goals to create a successful life together. You already know that this man isn’t right for you but are too scared to be single. I agree with pp that the freedom programme could help you to avoid repeating past mistakes.

Don’t stay with this man because you hope he will change. The selfish, stubborn, uncommitted, hobby obsessed manchild that you see is the real him. The occasional niceness isn’t enough to make up for everything else that is lacking.

The Freedom Programme will show you what a good, healthy relationship looks like. As a pp said, at the moment, you're thinking this is a good relationship, because the other men you've been with have treated you badly.