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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be a bit sad at how times have changed?

160 replies

Thenotes · 04/10/2019 20:18

About 40 years ago, as a 14yo I was visiting GPs for Christmas. I was sent to deliver Christmas cards to the neighbours. Grandma was good friends with her neighbours and I knew most of them by sight but we lived 300 miles away so I didn't know them well.

I went to number one where an old man "Bert" with a Father Christmas beard lived.

He saw me approaching and was at the door by the time I got there, insisted I went in and proceeded to ply me with rhubarb wine.

I was quute tipsy and late back for dinner but no one was cross with me because they'd guessed what had happened.

It's a genuinely fond memory of mine, a pleasant afternoon with a nice man who wanted some company, telling me stories of the "olden day's", plus my first experience of the warm happy feeling of being tipsy but not drunk.

But I'm not sure it would/could happen today.

OP posts:
UnoriginalUserName948 · 04/10/2019 22:44

I would be happy for a friendly neighbour to give my teens enough alcohol to get as tipsy as I was. They have occasionally had similar at home. I was clear in my OP that I was never drunk. If you need validation you have it Purple.
I would be worried about grooming. Once, fine (maybe), a few more times... then suddenly the nice neighbour wants something in return for the free alcohol. Not at all a far fetched situation.

FuriousVexation · 04/10/2019 22:45

@autumnrose1

BTK stands for Bind, Torture, Kill. It was the name Dennis Rayder gave himself while he was murdering women for 15 odd years.

OP, yes times have changed, thankfully. Young women are no longer expected to just say "yes" because saying "no" would be rude.

Wintersnow17 · 04/10/2019 22:48

OP you came on here to share genuine fond memories. I understand , as a child we had a good community and neighbours and we as children were always popping in and out of their houses. The elderly ones especially enjoyed our company and would bring out the biscuits and sweets and 'ply' us with them. That's what elderly do- they want company , nothing sinister. It's a shame others can't see the innocence. I remember having a teaspoon of sweet sherry at 'Aunty 'Vera's house as a child. Things were different then and I don't think the warped social conscience of the modern day should take away the innocence of the past.

UnoriginalUserName948 · 04/10/2019 22:51

The past wasn't always "innocent" though.
Part of the reason people are more "suspicious" nowadays is because we know more. Nobody really talked abut sexual abuse back then. People probably didn't realise how common it was.
(not- not suggesting the neighbour in the OP was a sexual predator, just pointing out times have changed as we're learnt more!)

honeyalomondlatte · 04/10/2019 22:59

Being more aware of child sexual abuse isn't a sad thing. It doesn't invoke a a nostalgic feeling.

jennymanara · 04/10/2019 22:59

It is not illegal to give a 14 year old alcohol.

honeyalomondlatte · 04/10/2019 22:59

Being more aware of child sexual abuse isn't a sad thing. It doesn't/shouldn't invoke a a nostalgic feeling.

Oswin · 04/10/2019 23:02

Why do people behave like old people are sad and incapable of being horrible.

Things have changed for the better. Thankfully it's getting less and less acceptable to allow children to being these situations.

Society hasn't become more suspicious. Just started to actually give a shit about children.

Wintersnow17 · 04/10/2019 23:05

It's just a shame that the OP had tried to share her special memories and probably didnt expect the fall out , probably wishing she hadn't posted. We all know there's bad people out there but an old man trying to be festive and social, may be wine shouldn't be the first choice but propably he thought was a nice thing to do .

Livelovebehappy · 04/10/2019 23:07

Echo PP - most sexual abuse is unfortunately carried out by someone known to the victim, and the ‘nice friendly’ ones are usually the worse as they give people a false sense of security. Think if you hadn’t introduced the word ‘ply’ into your post, it might have read better. Ply suggests he forced the wine on you with dubious intentions.

Seeingadistance · 04/10/2019 23:14

When I was a child, 40 years ago, I was sexually abused by my grandfather. I don’t feel nostalgic for those good old days when children suffered and adults chortled and turned a blind eye to abusers hiding in plain sight.

Echobelly · 04/10/2019 23:23

I'm saddened by the people here calling old Bert a 'perv' despite OP saying nothing happened and it was fine and lovely - of course we know now that, no matter how nice everyone says someone is, they could be an awful abuser, but in this case he wasn't.

I'm sorry for all those, in the past and more recently, who have suffered because of those 'nice' neighbours and relatives of course and it is a good thing we can talk about it.

I am glad we live in a world, in the mainstream society of this country at least, where people don't just shush children up and say they're imagining things (I appreciate sometimes they still do) but ironically as it's probably got harder to get away with as abusers can rely less on the deference and silence of children, we have got more and more suspicious of people (read: men) who may just want to ease their loneliness and enjoy seeing and talking to children.

AutumnRose1 · 04/10/2019 23:32

" I don't think the warped social conscience of the modern day should take away the innocence of the past"

Around the Savile time, my dad commented that he was really sick of the past being painted as "innocent" by some people. I didn't know who these people were, but I guess now I do!

AnyFucker · 04/10/2019 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lowlandlucky · 04/10/2019 23:37

Todays children are more at risk from their Mums boyfriends, Abuse is more likely to happen in a childs bedroom.
It is heartbreaking that men feel they cant speak to children these days without feeling thay are being judged, my poor DH was grilled when he booked into a hotel with our DGD, i was outside taking a phone call, the staff were very red faced when i turned up.

angelikacpickles · 04/10/2019 23:40

No, I have a stinker of a cold and haven't touched a drop Autumn. I'm generally interested, if a neighbour the family have known well for years isn't OK for a 14yo to spend an afternoon with, who can young people spend time with?

Oh, I don’t know, maybe people who won’t give them alcohol and get them tipsy!

Doingtheboxerbeat · 04/10/2019 23:42

@Whatafackinliberty, I know this is inappropriate but you have made me 😂 twice on this thread. Moonshine and I had to look up finger blasted, omg.

GreenItWas · 04/10/2019 23:43

This thread makes me sad. I'm old. I know what you are getting at OP. My Mum was ill a lot and I spent a massive amount of time in the homes of other villagers. They knew my situation and liked my Mum and wanted to help out. By todays standards alluded to repeatedly on this thread I was in immense danger except that I wasn't. Not at all.

FrancisCrawford · 04/10/2019 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 04/10/2019 23:48

I agree with there is no such thing as innocent times BTW, it happened to my DM in the 50's and me in the 70's. Not a new phenomenon just impossible to imagine how trusting we were in hindsight.

Wintersnow17 · 04/10/2019 23:49

OMG Autumn rose and all the others on here who just seem to want to have a pop at OP. She has a memory and all you've done is burn her down.
Yes there are things going on today and things that went in in the past that we all wish did t happen. But the fact that you've all leapt on OP and branded Bert proves its less innocent now - instead of taking it for what the OP says it is you've decided it must have been because he was a sexual predator . I think it's sad that that is the first thing that leaps into your heads. Yes it was probably ill advised to give her wine but how many of you have spent any time with the lonely elderly?They would give give anything for company.

KatyCarrCan · 04/10/2019 23:52

It is heartbreaking that men feel they cant speak to children these days without feeling thay are being judged, my poor DH was grilled when he booked into a hotel with our DGD
Why is that heartbreaking? Men can speak to DCs. If men feel restricted by safeguarding then you have to ask yourself why. Surely ensuring DCs are safe is more important than men's feelings or men being embarrassed?
wtf from feeling nostalgic for an old man insisting a teen come into their house and then plying them with alcohol to 'sad' stories about a hotel following safeguarding procedure.
I'm hoping it's the usual Friday night trolls.

Raphael34 · 04/10/2019 23:54

He obviously wasn’t a pedofile. The op’s ‘Heartwarming’ story still isn’t ok. Op people were more relaxed back then regarding childcare. It’s great you went to a friend of the family’s house who gave you alcohol without their permission, and you managed to return home unmolested. That’s not ok nowadays and for good reason.

AutumnRose1 · 04/10/2019 23:55

"but how many of you have spent any time with the lonely elderly?They would give give anything for company"

All the time, it feels like at the mo! I even had - did I say this already, sorry - an honorary grandma from when I was 8. She died recently at 97. She had a daughter and she'd be horrified at what ?OP said.

As for having a pop, OP has confirmed that she'd be happy for her teens to be given booze by a friendly neighbour. I think it's fair enough to point out the risks in the approach.

There are so many ways to have community and different generations interacting, yet OP is talking as if it can't happen now.

KatyCarrCan · 04/10/2019 23:58

"but how many of you have spent any time with the lonely elderly?They would give give anything for company"
Lots of time. I even volunteered in an old folk's home when I was the age OP was when she was getting plied with alcohol. Funny thing is, I can just imagine what any of the women would have said if I'd said an old man tried to ply me with alcohol . . . they'd have been the last people trying to excuse it and the first people to explain to me exactly what was wrong with that scenario.

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