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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit sad at how times have changed?

160 replies

Thenotes · 04/10/2019 20:18

About 40 years ago, as a 14yo I was visiting GPs for Christmas. I was sent to deliver Christmas cards to the neighbours. Grandma was good friends with her neighbours and I knew most of them by sight but we lived 300 miles away so I didn't know them well.

I went to number one where an old man "Bert" with a Father Christmas beard lived.

He saw me approaching and was at the door by the time I got there, insisted I went in and proceeded to ply me with rhubarb wine.

I was quute tipsy and late back for dinner but no one was cross with me because they'd guessed what had happened.

It's a genuinely fond memory of mine, a pleasant afternoon with a nice man who wanted some company, telling me stories of the "olden day's", plus my first experience of the warm happy feeling of being tipsy but not drunk.

But I'm not sure it would/could happen today.

OP posts:

EmmiJay · 04/10/2019 21:26

Oh dear. Shouldn't have posted a fond (also controversial) memory on here OP. It'll be ripped to shreds.

CAG12 · 04/10/2019 21:27

I actually agree with OP on the whole. I think what she was saying that communities arent the same anymore, and they arent. People are very insular and because of that now naturally afraid of people

Original poster

Thenotes · 04/10/2019 21:29

Yes, I have teenagers. I'd trust them to leave if they were uncomfortable and I'd be happy for a neighbour to give them a beer or similar at Christmas.

I think that's the only way we can keep our children safe without us, to know what to do if they're don't feel safe.

My elderly neighbours passed sweets through the hedge and chatted tonthem over the fence when they were small, should I have objected to that?

OP posts:

purpleolive · 04/10/2019 21:32

Would you be happy for them to give them enough alcohol at FOURTEEN to be tipsy?

Herocomplex · 04/10/2019 21:33

Listen to survivors of childhood abuse talking about not being believed or being terrified to speak out against kindly old neighbours, family friends etc. Times were different. I think you were lucky to have lovely memories.

Furiosa · 04/10/2019 21:34

insisted I went in and proceeded to ply me with rhubarb wine.

Holy. Fuck.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 04/10/2019 21:35

Passing sweets through a fence is hardly in the same league as plying a young teenager with alcohol.

You think your 'tipsy' teen would leave someone's house if they felt uncomfortable? The alcohol would likely contribute to them feeling very comfortable indeed.

AutumnRose1 · 04/10/2019 21:35

As a pp you said, you used the words "insisted" and "plied".

speakout · 04/10/2019 21:37

Grim OP.

AnotherColdTea · 04/10/2019 21:38

That sounds sleazy as fuck.

neverornow · 04/10/2019 21:39

Jesus not all single men are perverts! It would've been considered pretty harmless to give a teenager a drop of booze like that back then. Chill the beans.

Sorry everyone pissed on your memories OP. I can imagine the excitement of delivering the cards for your GP's at Xmas.

I spent a lot of time around my GP's friends and neighbors when I was younger and have lovely memories of spending time with them (and getting spoilt rotten with sweets and money!) my GM's friends loved to see us coming and hearing all about school and what we're up to.

Mephisto · 04/10/2019 21:40

To ply with wine means to keep giving someone a lot of wine. I agree with @ashtray , you've clearly used the words 'ply' and 'insisted' for a reason. And now you say it was just 'one glass of homemade wine.' Not sure what to believe.

Whatafackinliberty · 04/10/2019 21:42

What else did he insist on?

Franklymydearidontgiveadam · 04/10/2019 21:43

Homemade wine, yep and you don't even know what's gone into that.....

Msfoxy17 · 04/10/2019 21:48

I think the point the OP is making here isthat it's a pretty sad reflection of society that we have to assume the worst with a situation like this. Of course there will have been dodgy men who wanted to take advantage but this old man clearly didn't..do we really have to assume someone is a peadophile or abuser just because he gave a young girl a few drinks... Agree it wouldn't be the done thing now but things have changed. I agree that it's a bit sad we have to make all kinds of assumptions just because one individual acted in a certain way

PennyNotSoWise · 04/10/2019 21:49

Jesus not all single men are perverts! It would've been considered pretty harmless to give a teenager a drop of booze like that back then. Chill the beans.

Tbh, it's the way the OP worded it, like she was trying to be deliberately goady. I genuinely had a feeling of dread wondering if the thread title was sarcastic and I was going to read something different. I'm glad it wasn't.

Not all men are perverts, no, that's ridiculous to suggest, but I think it was worded like this deliberately to get the kind of responses it got.

BlackSwan · 04/10/2019 21:50

That's what's known as a 'close call'. The fact you reminisce about it is creepy.

MutedUser · 04/10/2019 21:51

Yes pensioners getting underage children tipsy those where the days

MutedUser · 04/10/2019 21:51

*were

TonTonMacoute · 04/10/2019 21:52

OP, I think the replies here reinforce exactly what you are saying. Nothing bad happened, yet this man's intentions and behaviour are assumed to be totally malign.

Lonely old man, living alone? Obviously a paedo preying on young children...

Whatafackinliberty · 04/10/2019 21:53

Lonely old man getting a child pissed on moonshine. Yeah totally ok.

Original poster

Thenotes · 04/10/2019 21:53

I wasn't being deliberately goady but im aware the situation would be "odd" today. In the day in question, I arrived late to a family dinner of four generations who all thought it was sweet/amusing.

It wasn't a close call. Nothing happen ed except a "during the war" conversation which I enjoyed.

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 04/10/2019 21:53

ANY adult man who thinks it's appropriate to give wine to a child who is in his house without any other adults IS up to no good.
That's just fact. He may not have had the intention of assaulting her but he didn't get her pissed for her good did he? The social interaction was unequal, the power balance was tipped way in his favour, no adult man needs to be socialising with drunk children.
I'm shocked at those looking back through rose tinted glasses at a time when this could happen and people thought it was fine. It really wasn't fine.

ExhaustedGrinch · 04/10/2019 21:54

He wasn't a stranger . He was a neighbour my GPs knew well.

Means jack shit really. Most abusers are known to the family (that's the ones that aren't actually family of course)! Around 55 years ago a relative of mine was offered sweets by an elderly 'gentleman' who was well known to her grandparents, he abused her - she never told because she didn't think her parents would believe that their good friend old 'bob' would do such a thing.

JoyceTempleSavage · 04/10/2019 21:56

We spent Christmas Eve round next door pissed on snowballs from the age of 8 onwards

The world has definitely moved on

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