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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter had me in tears today AIBU

76 replies

lilypoppet · 04/10/2019 09:26

My daughter is pregnant and living me me at the moment. Her husband comes when he's not working. I am not charging her rent so they can save up for a place of their own. I was eating my breakfast of hummus and crackers and she started adding up all the calories, saying l am overweight and its causing my arthritis. My BMI is overweight but not obese and this morning I am trying a new fitness class and she was shouting at me. I was so upset I went upstairs and shut the door and cried. Surely she shouldn't be speaking to me like this. AIBU?

OP posts:

1onelyranger · 04/10/2019 09:27

This sounds familiar.

theendoftheendoftheend · 04/10/2019 09:28

of course she shouldn't!
I have had fallings out with parents when living with them as an adult and also when pregnant and dealing with hormone changes have affected my moods. can you talk to her about it?

frazzledasarock · 04/10/2019 09:29

You’re back.

So your dd loves with you then?

I thought you wanted to go to hers and clean her house for her?

Original poster

lilypoppet · 04/10/2019 09:33

I am feeling really fragile at the moment, so l'd really appreciate it if people could leave constructive comments and if you only want to be nasty please post somewhere else. Thanks

OP posts:

Teddybear45 · 04/10/2019 09:39

Are you the poster whose arthritis is bad but you wanted to clean / care for your dd and grand baby when it comes? If so I do think it’s tough love. Being overweight, even slightly, does make arthritis worse and if you want to be actively involved over the mil you must lose weight.

Teddybear45 · 04/10/2019 09:41

And yes this is something I had to do to my dad too when I lived with him. I would count all his calories, yell and shout at him, but he refused to lose weight and then he got heart failure and now has to do it if he doesn’t want to die. You need to listen to your dd.

VapeVamp12 · 04/10/2019 09:42

Oh come on @Teddybear45, you don't need to be slim to help look after a baby!

Your daughter was hurtful. Pull her up on it. She's living with you rent free, she should show some respect and stop feigning concern over your health when it's just plain nastiness.

VapeVamp12 · 04/10/2019 09:42

I would count all his calories, yell and shout at him

I'd tell you fuck off.

goose1964 · 04/10/2019 09:45

Put it down to hormones, I'm sure she meant it nicely but it came out wrong. Hummous and crackers doesn't sound too bad but it depends on the portion size. I have joint pain which is indirectly related to previous arthritic changes but not full blown arthritis and I've found that generally being a bit more active in my daily life has helped.

I'm sure your daughter is mortified that she upset you

ravenshope · 04/10/2019 09:49

No way should she be shouting at you.
If it's pregnancy hormones affecting her mood, she needs to work out strategies to stop herself taking it out on you, eg leaving the room if she feels she's going to start shouting, expressing her feelings privately in ways that don't hurt anyone.
If you decided you did want to lose weight, I am finding WW easy.
My mother is incredibly slim and has terrible arthritis. Being overweight does not cause arthritis. Being heavier could make the pain worse.

Ponoka7 · 04/10/2019 09:49

If they were getting everything so right, they wouldn't need the OP to house them, with a baby on the way. The DD can't exactly set herself up as a life guru.

OP don't accept being shouted at, especially in your own home.

Unless you ask for her help she shouldn't be giving it. But you live by the same principle (i know that's hard i have three Adult DDs).

Being over weight doesn't cause arthritis. It can make flare ups worse, but it isn't easy to keep a healthy weight when you're getting towards Menopause and have arthritis.

OP lay ground rules. Force her to grow up and if she doesn't respect you, then she can get out.

Seriously, this will drive you to depression.

Original poster

lilypoppet · 04/10/2019 09:51

Thank you. The awful thing is that she is not mortified and considers herself justified. And l made her a cup of tea this.mornins.and brought it to her in bed!

OP posts:

LemonPrism · 04/10/2019 09:51

Obviously it's not ok to do that to anyone. It's very rude.

Ponoka7 · 04/10/2019 09:51

Teddybear45
"And yes this is something I had to do to my dad"

No you didn't and it didn't work. All you did was upset your Dad.

Lweji · 04/10/2019 09:53

And she's still living with you because...?

Original poster

lilypoppet · 04/10/2019 09:59

She's living with me so she can be near her training course and so they can save up for renting when the baby is born. Her husband earns fairly good money in London. But of course money disappears when you're paying rent and you have a baby.

OP posts:

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 04/10/2019 10:00

I mean this is the nicest way possible but you sound like a bit of a wet lettuce. You let your daughter live with you rent free and when she verbally abuses and insults you in your own home you walk away for a quiet cry? I’d kick the ungrateful little cow out unless she admits she’s been vile and apologizes, and if she is to stay she’d start paying rent ASAP. I feel this way a lot about Mumsnet posts - like sorry for the poster, but also like why will other people respect you if you don’t respect yourself and let people walk all over you?!

Clangus00 · 04/10/2019 10:01

Show her the door and tell her cheerio.

PurpleDaisies · 04/10/2019 10:02

Where is her husband living?

I would count all his calories, yell and shout at him, but he refused to lose weight and then he got heart failure and now has to do it if he doesn’t want to die.

I am amazed that yelling and shouting at him to lose weight didn’t work. Truly shocked.

ChicCroissant · 04/10/2019 10:04

There's no point in going round in circles on this one OP. She needs to move out and you should ignore any blackmail about not seeing the baby.

theretheirtheyrenotno · 04/10/2019 10:06

Well done Teddy at least you've shown that yelling and shouting doesn't work! Why have you even stated that you had to do it? You didn't and it was pointless.

OP, start standing up for yourself!

Travis1 · 04/10/2019 10:09

@Teddybear45 see that worked well for you eh?

I'm sorry @lilypoppet bt you're not doing yourself any favours here. You took here tea in bed? You aren't charging her rent? Her husband comes and goes as he pleases? You may as well tattoo mug to your forehead.

You need to woman up here. She wouldn't be living in that house speaking to me in that manner and like fuck would I be running about after her. Start charging her rent and stop pandering to her.

incognito76 · 04/10/2019 10:10

You again?

Strongly suspect there is a lot more to this than meets the eye and your daughter's side of the story would be very, very different from the one you're portraying.

C8H10N4O2 · 04/10/2019 10:12

Strongly suspect there is a lot more to this than meets the eye and your daughter's side of the story would be very, very different from the one you're portraying

Based on the previous threads - yes I agree.

aintnothinbutagstring · 04/10/2019 10:13

Sounds like she needs taking down a peg or two, your weight or arthritis is none of your daughter's business unless you're going on about it to her all the time. Don't understand people who boss their own parents around or feel that they owe them their life, health, worldly belongings. She need to grow up and either humbly accept the roof over her head or stand on her own feet and find somewhere else.

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