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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter had me in tears today AIBU

76 replies

lilypoppet · 04/10/2019 09:26

My daughter is pregnant and living me me at the moment. Her husband comes when he's not working. I am not charging her rent so they can save up for a place of their own. I was eating my breakfast of hummus and crackers and she started adding up all the calories, saying l am overweight and its causing my arthritis. My BMI is overweight but not obese and this morning I am trying a new fitness class and she was shouting at me. I was so upset I went upstairs and shut the door and cried. Surely she shouldn't be speaking to me like this. AIBU?

OP posts:
Span1elsRock · 04/10/2019 10:21

So don't let her speak to you like that.

Your house, your rules.

Wait till she appears again and very calmly say "I will eat what I like, when I like, when I am in my own home and it's not something that we will ever discuss again, do I make myself clear. I love you but you overstepped the line this morning".

Lweji · 04/10/2019 10:25

She's living with me so...?

I wasn't really asking for reasons. More why do you let her treat you like that in your own home? You don't have to put up with it.

RainbowAlicorn · 04/10/2019 10:25

Yes being overweight can make arthritis worse, but having arthritis can lead to you becoming overweight as you can't do the things you could before.
I think your DD was bang out of order. Hummus and crackers doesn't exactly sound like a particularly unhealthy breakfast and as you said you are starting a new fitness class today, you don't say what it is, it is in water? If not you mind find you struggle with it, with your arthritis. Are there any Aqua fit classes near you? Or just swimming? (Sorry if these are what you are doing)

Mollymoo01 · 04/10/2019 10:25

Why are you incapable of standing up for yourself?

You need to understand people will only treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated!

Why are you allowing her to have a power trip over you?
It’s time to find your anger.

Tell her to move out as you are sick of her horrible behaviour. If she uses the baby as a weapon then ride it out, she will eventually figure out she can’t treat you that way and I’m sure she’ll decide she suddenly doesn’t mind you seeing the baby as she’ll be so knackered she’ll be grateful for the break!

If you can’t stand up for yourself without help then find a good therapist.

Bellringer · 04/10/2019 10:27

See James cordon on fat shaming. Take some rent off her, at least I hope she is paying towards utilities, you can always give it back when they move.
It is a strain living with family bit no excuse to be rude and personal

Bellringer · 04/10/2019 10:28

But, not bit

HazelBite · 04/10/2019 10:28

I'm not your daughter but I did suffer very badly with arthritic knees before I was given a knee replacement.
My consultant told me that for every extra pound you carry it puts 3 pounds extra stress through your knees!
For your own sake take weight loss very seriously, if you find counting calories tricky just use meal replacements. Also if you are very overweght surgeons are reluctant to treat you, as overweight patients do not recover well as they find doing any after surgery phisio difficult.
I'm sure your DD didn't mean you to be upset but is finding your attitude to your weight frustrating.
Love yourself and do something about it Flowers

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/10/2019 10:29

Aren't you already doing Slimming World or Weight Watchers or something? Your daughter needs to stop being so rude.

LeahSMS · 04/10/2019 10:30

I’m guessing everything Is getting on top of you. Is your daughter normally rude to you?
But no your daughter should not be speaking to you like that. Very rude. My mum is overweight & has arthritis I’d never dream of making her feel uncomfortable in her own home. Sometimes when we are eating together she will say oh I really shouldn’t be eating this I need to lose weight. I’d never pressure her it’s her choice she’s a lovely woman which I’m guessing you are too considering you let her live with you rent free & you care so much about your soon to be grandchild.

RainbowAlicorn · 04/10/2019 10:32

Also just realised none of that advice actually helps with what you AIBU is about. Tell you 'D'D that you appreciate her concern, that you are trying your best, starting a new class and will continue to do what you can to loose weight and get as fit as you can, but you do not appreciate the tone she took with you earlier or her counting every calorie you eat, this is your house and as seen as you are respecting her by hearing what she says and getting fitter to be a better Garndparent, that she should show you some respect back, or she can sling her hook.
I understand you love your daughter and want to be in your grand child's life, but do not let her walk all over you and bully you like this in your own home.

PlasticPatty · 04/10/2019 10:33

OP, what you don't need is a crowd of mouthy strangers telling you what to do.

Take your dd with a pinch of salt and encourage them to get a place of their own.

PlasticPatty · 04/10/2019 10:34

See, I did it too. Ignore us all. Certainly don't volunteer to be beaten up online.

SoreHead22 · 04/10/2019 10:35

Ah OP, poor you :( You say you are feeling really fragile at the moment and I wonder whether it might therefore be better for you to stay off AIBU at the moment? This forum can be pretty harsh.

If your DD is living with you, she has no right to upset you in your own home. Does she know how upset you are? I expect she was trying to help though, so maybe try and see the positive side of what she was saying (which was basically - 'mum, I love you and I don't want you to die. I want you to eat healthily so you can stick around and so you don't get really ill')

Maybe have a chat with her about how upset you felt and ask her why she upset you, and really, try and hear her answer...

Flowers
PickedByYou · 04/10/2019 10:40

Is there anyone else who can support you with this in real life?

AmIThough · 04/10/2019 10:44

Was it you who was playing grandma wars?

If you made her a cup of tea I hope it was decaf.

She's vile - just ask her to leave.

LeahSMS · 04/10/2019 10:50

For what it’s worth Op, my parents were both worried they’d get left out or not as much time with my baby I had to constantly reassure them that wouldn’t be the case. It’s natural to worry about this. Your daughter should be reassuring you that won’t be the case.

Some people on this thread are being mean for no reason Flowers

YobaOljazUwaque · 04/10/2019 10:51

YABVU to post on AIBU when what you want is a pity party with no expectation that either you or your DD will make any changes. I think this is the wrong forum for that.

Ponoka7 · 04/10/2019 10:51

HazelBite, the OP is a size 14/16, is doing WW, goes to pilates and was trying a, new exercise class. She's also 56.

I'm on a meal replacement diet, Exante. I'm stuck at a size 14. I'm also post Menopause. I've been having 800-1200 calories a day and some weeks shift nothing.

The OP works full time as well.

The Consultants can like all they want, but unless they are going to pay for time off work to fit exercise in, treat the effects of Menopause thoroughly, then they may not get.

Neither will the daughter.

wishiwasinthesun · 04/10/2019 11:33

I agree with the others, if she is living at your house rent free she should be bloody grateful and show you some respect, pregnant or not! I would have a word with her and tell her next time she speaks to you like that then she can find somewhere else to live! CF!!

Rainonmyguitar · 04/10/2019 11:47

And yes this is something I had to do to my dad too when I lived with him. I would count all his calories, yell and shout at him

He really should have told you to leave his house. I suppose you shouted 'I told you so' when he got ill?

LagunaBubbles · 04/10/2019 11:52

would count all his calories, yell and shout at him, but he refused to lose weight and then he got heart failure and now has to do it if he doesn’t want to die

Who knew being verbally abusive wouldn't work eh? Hmm

Original poster
lilypoppet · 04/10/2019 11:57

I have hidden nothing. She shouted at me because she knows she can. I am a wet lettuce. The more l give her, the less she respects me. But l let her live with me because l think it's best for the baby.

OP posts:
Lweji · 04/10/2019 12:09

Why is it best for the baby that she lives with you?

Are you still set on taking care of it, and your dd?

PurpleDaisies · 04/10/2019 12:11

But l let her live with me because l think it's best for the baby.

Why? What’s wrong with her husband and home in London?

recklessruby · 04/10/2019 12:14

She s wrong and rude. Youre letting her live there rent free while her dh earns good money and she insults you and makes you cry?
CF. A dose of reality living elsewhere would be good for her.
Believe me my ds has moved out and come home again and is now very grateful for what he has.
Your house, your rules.
Time to toughen up OP.
Arthritis is horrible and she should be supporting you. You re allowed to eat!