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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I have a right to be annoyed?

134 replies

Anxietyqueen1987 · 03/10/2019 08:15

My daughter's 5th birthday is coming up and I'm planning on doing something small for her birthday, only very close family and a friend, with her two children. A little back story, my daughter is Autistic and doesn't have any friends, which I'll admit is probably harder for me than it is for her. Anyway, a friend and her two children were due to come, this "friend" is aware of the situation and has been through similar things when people have failed to turn up for her childs birthday parties and knows how heartbreaking it can be (also bearing in mind I have made the effort to go to both of her children's parties). Anyway, she has now decided that she is throwing her own birthday party on my daughters birthday as a few of her friends wouldn't have been able to make it so she has basically said she understands if I cant make it and thats that. So now my daughter wont have any children at her already small little birthday party. Am I wrong for being upset? Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
pictish · 03/10/2019 16:55

I doubt she’s competing, she just hasn’t got the birthday event high on her priority list, that’s all. Despite the fact that she’ll know the emotional weight this carries for OP, she has had a better idea and abruptly withdrawn her support. It seems like a thinly veiled excuse because it is.

That’s actually ok, it’s entirely her own call to prioritise how she chooses...but it does mean she’s not inner-circle material for OP. She’s relegated herself to periphery with the other happy acquaintances and there she’ll stay.

TheMustressMhor · 03/10/2019 17:11

This thread (and some of the awful responses) has broken my heart, OP.

I quite see how you'd be very upset by this situation.

If I still lived in London I'd come!

I don't think you've been helped by some of the messages you've had on here. I would imagine you're now feeling worse.

Why are some posters so nasty? It isn't necessary.

BellatrixLeStrangest · 03/10/2019 17:27

Because they have fuckall better to do Mustress clearly. It's really annoyed me actually how people can go after a mother trying to give her autistic child a party. Some people are just horrible twats.

FrangipaniBlue · 03/10/2019 17:41

Some awful people (or same person name changed?) on this thread.

There's just no need! If you can't say anything nice, don't bother Angry

TheMustressMhor · 03/10/2019 17:48

I truly hope that you're not too upset by some of the replies on this thread.

You've been very restrained in your answers, too.

TabbyMumz · 03/10/2019 18:31

"FrangipaniBlue

@TabbyMumzyou obviously didn't read the opening thread properly because your posts suggest you thinks it's perfectly acceptable to decline an invitation (after all it's not a summons) and you are correct, OPs friend is within her rights to decline."

@FrangipaniBlue...I havent focussed on the individual who pulled out of the invite, that doesnt mean I think it's acceptable. I've purposely focussed on the op and what she needs to do going forward. When you invite one person who has a couple of kids to a youngsters party, there is every chance she might pull out. And she has. That's why I suggested the op needs to widen her circle of friends who might have kids, who might be able to come....or to invite her school friends, which is what I would have done. I could have responded how terrible her friend is, but thought I'd be more productive. Even though she called me a cunt, I continued to try to help.

Mephisto · 03/10/2019 18:35

I also think @ChilledBee and @TabbyMumz are the same person. You can’t have two such thoughtless people on the sane thread.

TabbyMumz · 03/10/2019 18:44

Mephisto....I think you sound pretty nasty too. Your wrong. Clearly on a thread you will get people with varied opinions, doesnt mean anyone is wrong.

whiteroseredrose · 03/10/2019 18:46

I agree OP. We have always had a rule that once you accept an invitation that's that regardless of whatever else comes up. Very rude otherwise.

Mephisto · 03/10/2019 19:48

@TabbyMumz ok what have I said that’s nasty ?

FrangipaniBlue · 03/10/2019 20:52

I havent focussed on the individual who pulled out of the invite

But the individual who pulled out was the whole point of the OPs thread Hmm

Nice back track there btw

TabbyMumz · 03/10/2019 21:55

@FrangipaniBlue...not a backtrack at all.ive stuck by what I've said? Yes the op was talking about that person, but the issue was wider than that, and people are going to comment on all aspects of a posters thread, as they are trying to help.

TabbyMumz · 03/10/2019 21:58

"You can’t have two such thoughtless people on the same thread."

Theres an example for you Mephisto. I wasnt thoughtless at all, and neither was chill. Try reading the posts again. Rather than trying to help the op, you have picked on other peoples comments. No need for it really.

Original poster
Anxietyqueen1987 · 04/10/2019 09:30

It does seem like the same person, doesnt it? They both word things in exactly the same way. If that's true you clearly have a lot of time on your hands hahaha. @TabbyMumz @ChilledBee

OP posts:
Lottie2shoes · 04/10/2019 09:49

@TabbyMumz @ChilledBee I think you may be also missing the point that some autistic children find it harder to be around people they barely know. So maybe op had to think long and hard on who to invite as to not upset child.
Not simply a case of just invite someone else.
Personally I wouldn't necessarily drop said friend if this is first time she has done this but take this as a warning. If she carries on being like this then i would.
Friends sometimes put themselves out to make others happy.
I sometimes do things I might not want as do my friends. It's what friends do.

Lottie2shoes · 04/10/2019 09:50

Also as much as adults are loving and kind etc. It's nice for the child to have some friends his/ her age.

TabbyMumz · 04/10/2019 17:56

So Anxietyqueen.....because I've tried to help you I have too much time on my hands? That's nice isn't it Thanks very much. I'm not the @chilled poster thanks.

TabbyMumz · 04/10/2019 17:58

@Lottie2shoes...the op said that the fact the children weren't coming would upset her more than the child.

Original poster
Anxietyqueen1987 · 04/10/2019 18:34

@tabbymumz actually what I said was is that my daughter doesn't have any friends at the moment, which gets to me more than it does her - That has nothing to do with the party, I was just talking in general. And you actually haven't tried to help me at all, you have actually completely picked apart what I have been trying to tell you and come across really rude, heartless and patronising. You dont know me or my child and probably haven't got any experience of what it is like to raise a child with Special Educational Needs. You have kept on at me about inviting children from my daughters class, and I said that I had no idea how those children would cope in in a party environment, my daughter doesnt have particularly bad sensory issues but a lot of Autistic children do and would 100% not be able to cope in a party environment with music and lights, noise etc but you have completely ignored this. You dont know what you are talking about and actually come across very uneducated and then you have have the front to try and give me "advice".

OP posts:
Dreamcast77 · 04/10/2019 18:36

YANBU I'm sorry you and your daughter have been treated this way. It's abhorrent behaviour and she's no friend! I think most people would be deeply upset.

Original poster
Anxietyqueen1987 · 04/10/2019 18:37

And I said that if you did create another profile and are @ChilledBee then you do have to much time on your hands, dont you agree? Btw I do think you are the same person.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 04/10/2019 18:44

I'd be really cross and upset at that OP. Hope you can sort something with the school.

Tabbymumz 'I wasnt thoughtless at all' - I'd have to disagree. Your comments here sound thoughtless and insensitive to me.

TabbyMumz · 05/10/2019 14:34

Anxiety.....you are wrong. Not much more I can say about that, but I have tried to help you and I think your response has been horrid.

TabbyMumz · 05/10/2019 14:45

Anxiety.....perhaps you need to focus on someone else, and not me. Your responses to me have been horrid. You have called me a cunt, uneducated (I'm actually very well educated to past degree level but dont see how that matters), have told me I have no experience with autistic children ( a very close family member has severe brain injury....try that one for size). And all sorts of other things. If you read my posts again in a not so negative light as you have been doing .. .you will see that I'm not the evil person you have made me out to be but yes.. have been trying to give you advice. I for one, havent called you a cunt, like you have me, which is actually the lowest of the low , (and quite uneducated I would have thought) and have tried to give you gentle advice like enlarging your group of friends, with or without children...which might help you in the future with your autistic child and your own wellbeing. for some reason you seem to think that's the most awful thing anyone in the world can say to you. I also said (as others did too) that you could invite children from her class. That apparently is also the worlds most awful thing someone could say to you. You said you dont know the parents.. .which to me the best way of sorting that is getting to know the parents, then you said you dont know if the children will cope in a party environment... well...you could ask, couldn't you. For all you know, those parents might be thankful of a party invitation for their child .

TabbyMumz · 05/10/2019 14:58

And @Anxietyqueen1987...its not really nice to go round calling people uneducated, is it? Not very pleasant at all. And yet you make out I'm the nasty one? What if you said that to someone who was uneducated, or had learning needs? You have no idea who is responding to you on here do you? For all you know, I could even be autistic. Not a good idea really to be nasty to people on threads when they are trying to help you.