Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to insist my Mil has a flu jab...

108 replies

Lou573 · 02/10/2019 22:48

...if she wants to sit for hours holding my very prem baby this winter?

Just that really - bringing a 28 weeker home soon, previous experience tells me that my mil would like nothing more than to install herself on my sofa with the baby for hours at a time. Can I tell her she needs the flu jab before she does this or is that unreasonable? To be honest even if it is unreasonable I think I have the right to be a bit unreasonable after the last few months.

For balance my parents get it every year anyway.

OP posts:
PoundshopKardashian · 02/10/2019 22:53

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Also drum it into her head that if she wants to see you and baby so must not come near you if she has much as a sniffle or stomach ache! Congrats on the little one too!

ChocChocButtons · 02/10/2019 22:55

Because she’s a preemie no I don’t think it would be unreasonable. Just be honest and say you want her to have all the cuddles but your a little cautious at this time and would you consider the flu jab? Doesn’t have to be a nasty conversation, it’s her grandchild surely she wants what’s best.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/10/2019 22:58

You don’t have to agree with anyone taking up residence on your sofa and monopolising your brand new baby! Yes to visits and cuddles as suits you all but no to anything you’re not comfortable with.

You can’t insist she has a vaccination if she otherwise wouldn’t have but you can explain your feelings to her. The flu jab won’t prevent many other illnesses that could befall her or anyone else. Sick people stay away from your baby.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 02/10/2019 23:01

Have you had other premies OP? We weren't allowed to hold ours for purposes other than feeding for some time. It exhausted them.

Not what you asked, but just fyi in case you didn't know Smile

PurpleDaisies · 02/10/2019 23:02

Can’t you just insist she doesn’t come around if she’s been ill? You’d be imposing stricter rules than the ward at the hospital and I don’t think it’s reasonable to insist on a vaccination.

However, if she’s out staying her welcome, definitely boor her out. Is your dh on side to help manage her?

Jollitwiglet · 02/10/2019 23:02

I think YABU but I can understand why.

You can't force someone to have the vaccination, maybe encourage it but not give them an ultimation like that. Also the flu jab is not a garuntee you won't get the flu, it only protects against certain strains. And of course there is plenty of other nasties that do the rounds.

You would be better to insist that people don't visit if they're feeling unwell.

Csleeptime · 02/10/2019 23:04

I would be less worried about the flu jab and more worried about people generally staying away with sniffles. Flu jab won't prevent much of what is a little cold but could turn nasty for a tiny one.

SleepWarrior · 02/10/2019 23:07

The flu jab isn't very effective and does its best job at preventing spread of flu when used on patient facing health care workers. Your MIL may still get flu, even with the jab.

I would focus more on being assertive when it comes to others holding your baby, and on hand hygiene (and must be healthy and not come from a house full of sickness) before cuddles.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 02/10/2019 23:08

YANBU and even if you were, I agree you've earned the right to be as unreasonable as you bloody like when it comes to your baby's health.

Babies die of the flu- the Southern Hemisphere just had a particularly lethal flu season- google the flu deaths in Australia in 2019. Record hospital admissions for babies and toddlers- that flu strain is mutating and on its way to you.

Tell your DP to tell his Mum that everyone who wants to spend time with the baby is getting the flu shot. No room to move on the issue.

You're not 'making' her do anything. She can choose that spending time with GC is important enough to be worth the mild discomfort of a flu shot, or she can decide not.

Personally I think everyone should get the flu shot and it drives me mad when people who work with children or old people don't bother.

puttingitalloutandabout · 02/10/2019 23:15

YANBU I had flu whilst pregnant ( I wasn't advised to get the flu jab) I honestly was never so ill I literally couldn't move for 9 weeks I still can't believe my baby survived every year we get the jab now.

Personally I think everyone should get it!

Broken11Girl · 02/10/2019 23:22

Oh ffs of course you can't require her to get a flu vaccination.
It's not 'mild discomfort', it's the risks involved with a vaccination - not woo, and I'm not 'anti' vaccine. It's bodily autonomy.
As po said, it's not that effective and MIL could easily get any number of other illnesses.
I don't get why people on here act like pfb needs to be in a plastic bubble for the first year of life Hmm and deny their relatives - normal adequately clean people, not uncle active heroin addict/ who works in the sewer and hasn't washed since finishing his shift/ mil who just mucked out the pigs - cuddles. I've
never seen it irl. Pfb will encounter germs unless you literally do put them on an isolation ward Grin yes I read that baby is prem, yes I know small babies are vulnerable.
Just follow sensible hygiene rules, people don't come round if they're unwell (and ask them to wash their hands if you must). I'd be very insulted to be told I was too dirty to hold a baby.

SunshineAngel · 02/10/2019 23:23

Having the flu jab won't stop them spreading the flu. It's still easy enough to spread the germs from touching, say, door handles and then touching your baby.

I think the general rule should be if someone is ill, stay away. But there are plenty of germs that can be spread regardless of whether someone is presenting with an illness, or whether they are immune, or whatever.

You can't force someone to have a jab.

That being said, genuine flu (rather than the bad cold that people call 'flu') is horrific, so I would recommend - rather than force - the flu jab for anyone who's able to get it!

PurpleWithRed · 02/10/2019 23:30

You can ask her and explain why - do you think she would refuse?

Original poster
Lou573 · 02/10/2019 23:35

Thanks all, I do understand of course that I can’t force anyone to get a jab, but I can stipulate whatever conditions I like for people holding my baby. Will broach the subject with her and see where we get to.

OP posts:
Soon2BeMumof3 · 02/10/2019 23:39

For the people wailing about bodily autonomy- She is not 'forcing' her MIL at all. She is holding her down and jabbing her against her will. She isn't withholding her civil rights unless she complies.

FFS.

She is a new Mum, putting a protection in place for her child's health. MIL can then freely choose what she does with her own body. Holding your prem baby DGC on your own terms is not a protected right.

I work in human rights and have literally published papers on forced medical treatment/ bodily autonomy issues. This ain't one!!

Her primary obligation is to take care of her baby and herself. It absolutely protects the baby to be exclusively around people with a reduced risk of flu. Even if it didn't, if it gives this new mum, who has had a rough and scary start with the baby, some peace of mind- that is reason enough.

MIL should get over herself and comply. Whether that compliance takes the form of a flu shot, or just respecting the mum's decision by being involved in other ways and waiting until the baby is heartier before she gets her hours of cuddles in.

If the MIL is a reasonable person, she will just take herself off for the flu shot and be cheerful about it.

NearlyGranny · 02/10/2019 23:43

YANBU. She wants 1:1 time with the prem DGC, she gets the jab. No jab, no cuddles. You're in charge!

LizB62A · 02/10/2019 23:50

Some people get ill after they have the flu jab so, even if she has the jab, wait a few days to check she's ok before letting her near your little one

Teddybear45 · 02/10/2019 23:50

With that level of prematurity I would insist on hand gel and surgical masks for everyone and no kissing.

bullseye2018 · 02/10/2019 23:53

Agree with @Soon2BeMumof3

My family got shots when my DC was born. He wasn’t premature, was fit and well and still caught every bug under the sun in the first couple of years. It could have been a lot worse though as he never got the flu.

On another note, are you happy for your MIL to “install herself on my sofa with the baby for hours at a time”? I wouldn’t be. A PP mentioned premmies can’t anyway as they get tired so that could be a factor. But even so, that’s important time for YOU to spend hours on the sofa with your baby to bond, not your MIL. So if it’s not what you want don’t allow it.

AuchAyeTheNo · 02/10/2019 23:54

I wouldn’t worry about the flu jab, I would just be extremely strict on hygiene and health. Any sign of any illness and they don’t come near, I’d probably have hand sanitary gel for everyone to use first until baby is a bit bigger.

SherbetSaucer · 03/10/2019 00:01

To be honest even if it is unreasonable I think I have the right to be a bit unreasonable after the last few months

No you really don’t! That’s not how it works here on planet Earth!!

Sunshine93 · 03/10/2019 00:12

I agree with the principle of requiring everyone who holds baby to have vaccinations, wash hands and use hand gel, no kissing and to stay away of they have even the slightest sniffle. You have to say it to everyone though not just MIL.

From what others said I think you need to make it clear that she can't hold your baby much. (See what health professionals say) she will just have to get over that.

Of course you can't force her to but you can say that if she doesn't she can't hol the baby for the first few weeks.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 03/10/2019 00:14

Picking up on what a PP said- I agree that you shouldn't feel the need to accomodate anyone parked in your home cuddling your baby for hours unless you want to.

You've had a rocky start, you probably need time to rest, bond with the baby, learn how to be a mum without a medical team involved. This is an important time for you to grow in confidence and connect with yourself and the baby.

If MIL is taking time with the baby that you would rather have to yourself- then don't feel bad about putting some limits in place

Soon2BeMumof3 · 03/10/2019 00:19

@SherbetSaucer I disagree. I live on planet earth and encounter people doing things I find unreasonable on a regular basis. And I imagine very few of them have as good a reason as OP for it.

mumwon · 03/10/2019 00:19

at the moment trying to get the "proper flu jab" for older (over 60's need a stronger one) flu jab in your gp may not be possible as many surgeries haven't had the flu vaccine yet (& the one they may have at chemists isn't the right one for that age group - so it wont work) our surgery is HOPING (!!!) to have it this Friday (or at least know when they will!)

Swipe left for the next trending thread