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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to insist my Mil has a flu jab...

108 replies

Lou573 · 02/10/2019 22:48

...if she wants to sit for hours holding my very prem baby this winter?

Just that really - bringing a 28 weeker home soon, previous experience tells me that my mil would like nothing more than to install herself on my sofa with the baby for hours at a time. Can I tell her she needs the flu jab before she does this or is that unreasonable? To be honest even if it is unreasonable I think I have the right to be a bit unreasonable after the last few months.

For balance my parents get it every year anyway.

OP posts:

newbeginningsyeah · 03/10/2019 18:34

I would absolutely insist, nicely, that she gets it. Her feelings are not as important as your child’s health.

FrangipaniBlue · 03/10/2019 18:35

Surely you would just tell her to stay away if she's ill, whether that's the flu or sniffles or any other illness?

Having a flu job doesn't stop you "catching" and being a carrier of the flu virus, it just means your body can fight off the virus if you catch it.

So yeah, YABU

Actionhasmagic · 03/10/2019 18:45

Yanbu

SinkGirl · 03/10/2019 19:15

The jab is only effective against one strain of flu too, so she could have it and get another strain. Very silly

Yes, why bother vaccinating at all when there are so many other illnesses we could catch that don’t have vaccinations?

It reduces the risks to her baby. Her premature, spent time in NICU baby.

SinkGirl · 03/10/2019 19:16

Surely you would just tell her to stay away if she's ill, whether that's the flu or sniffles or any other illness?

PEOPLE SPREAD VIRUSES BEFORE THEY SHOW SYMPTOMS.

How is this new information to anyone?

TapDanceJazzHands · 03/10/2019 19:20

@Moondancer73 that's just not true. The jab vaccinates against the most common strains- usually 3/4.

OP YANBU. We have asked all our family to do the same as we have a baby. They have all been happy to do so. It's just sensible. Flu is serious and even healthy adults die each year from it.

MamaGee09 · 03/10/2019 19:25

The strains of flu that the flu jag protect against are just guesses, there are hundreds of different types of flu and the jab only protects against a handful. I think you are being unreasonable, just ask no one to visit who feels unwell and make sure everyone washes their hands.

My mil is having chemo and is susceptible to the smallest infection which usually leads to a chest infection whereby she gets admitted to hospital so we all know to stay clear of her if we even feel a little unwell, I’ve had a tummy bug for the last week and none of us have visited .... just incase.

Surely it’s common sense.

I wouldn’t have a flu jab if someone tried to insist or bribe me to have it!

m0therofdragons · 03/10/2019 19:28

@Lou573 I'm baffled by the idea that cuddling other than for feeds is tiring for prem babies. My twins are 8 now but at birth our scbu encouraged kangaroo care so lots of skin to skin cuddles.

I'd say something like "we've been advised that due to how prem she was, adults who'll be around dd a lot will need to have the flu jab. Obviously we know you'll want lots of cuddles as a key part of DD's life so would you mind having it?"

I don't think you can insist but I would insist on hand washing.

SinkGirl · 03/10/2019 19:32

I’ve had a tummy bug for the last week and none of us have visited .... just incase.

But you could have passed on the bug before you showed symptoms. Just like this woman could pass on flu before showing symptoms.

You can’t eliminate all risks. But why would you not take steps to reduce all the risks you can when dealing with a very vulnerable preemie?

Have you had the flu jab if your mum is having chemo? Of course I could have passed on anything to my mum when she was having hers, but I still took all the precautions I could (including the flu jab).

Charmlight · 03/10/2019 19:52

She could say she’s had it, and you won’t know whether she has or not.

Blueoasis · 03/10/2019 19:54

@WispyTurnip

Well you're wrong then aren't you, because I did.

I didn't get the vaccines in consecutive years either. I got the first one in 2015 I think, maybe even 2014, and then I had another one in 2018. I didn't bother again after the first because it didn't seem to work, although I only got flu a couple of times then.

Last year however, I was sick from about November until May. I did get flu several times, at least once a month, even went to the doctor asking what the hell was wrong with me as I shouldn't have been that sick that often. But he wasn't bothered and just said I was unlucky. Very bloody unlucky clearly.

I don't think the office I work in helps. A lot of people just don't wash their hands ever it seems, or anything they use. So bloody grim. Don't think the stress from work helped either.

justasking111 · 03/10/2019 19:57

Hope the handwashing is done, it is so important.

Charmlight · 03/10/2019 19:59

SinkGirl HCPs cannot be legally or contractually required to have the flu vac. At least that was the position where I worked, though we were encouraged to.

saraclara · 03/10/2019 20:19

You can't make her have it, but of course you can ask her to.

Explain that the baby is going to be more vulnerable than most, and that as a family you are all having the flu jab to avoid risk. Mention that your parents have already had it/made an appointment to have it. She's not going to want to outdone by the other grandparents, if she's anything like all my friendswho have grandkids.

meow1989 · 03/10/2019 20:25

Re the nasal vaccine for your older dc, it contains some live virus so might be worth checking with the gp re: risk to baby? Not sure about the transmission from child to immunocompromised persons.

Yadnbu by the way, you're also not bu when you ensure guests wash their hands before holding baby or when you stop strangers from touching your (effectively by due date) newborn baby.

Heck, I've requested family get vaccinated for the benefit of my 15 month old (I wont be limiting contact of people choose not to, but have explained that he is too young to get vaccinated himself so to reduce the risk it would be good if pil/my parents/ DH are vaccinated).

m0therofdragons · 03/10/2019 20:35

Dc who have live vaccine should not be near immunocompromised people for 48 hours!

GettingABitDesperateNow · 03/10/2019 20:40

Hi OP

I can see both sides. I can see you want to do everything to protect your baby and thats fair enough.

What if it's not available for her though, are you going to ban her?

Also I'm sure its much more likely for her to pass germs on from not washing hands than actively having the flu. I think strict hand washing is probably more important in this case as well as staying away at the first signs of a sniffle.

I'd certainly ask, I'm not sure I'd insist though.

What would also be useful would be to have a plan for if your older child is ill, that you can put into action straight away if they come home with a sickness bug or something nasty eg your MiL comes to yours while you go and stay at hers with the baby so you or the baby dont catch it

Moondancer73 · 03/10/2019 20:43

@TapDanceJazzHands actually since there are hundreds of strains of flu even if it protects against 3 or 4 strains it's not really giving blanket protection is it?

Booboostwo · 03/10/2019 20:49

If it were my baby i’d ask everyone around her to be up to date with whooping cough as well. Where we live the booster for whooping cough and tetanus is routinely offered every 10 years.

MontStMichel · 03/10/2019 20:53

As a parent/carer of DD with a life threatening condition, I got the flu jab every year. I still got flu every year, even in the summer; until I was diagnosed with vitamin D deficiency!

FrangipaniBlue · 03/10/2019 20:59

PEOPLE SPREAD VIRUSES BEFORE THEY SHOW SYMPTOMS.

Yes, I know, no need to shout

But the flu jab doesn't stop you carrying the virus, so even WITH the jab she could still pass it on to the baby because she could still be carrying the virus and no one would know.

The risk of MIL carrying the virus and passing it on to the baby without getting sick herself is not reduced by her having the flu jab.

Having the jab only reduces the risk of MIL getting sick from the flu virus.

iolaus · 03/10/2019 21:06

Not all the HCP will definately have had the flu jab

It is recommended but they don't need to accept that recommendation

With the petussis one I know locally we've only just had the recommendation (all HCP who are in contact with infants) and they aren't doing it till later this month - I think I'm having it next Thursday)

Locally the under 65 jab isn't available and has been delayed (I want to say the 19th - that was the last date I heard)

Personally I wouldn't let my child have the nasal spray as it's a live vaccine - if they are in contact with an immunocompromised person they can have the injection even when under 5

ArfArfBarf · 03/10/2019 21:07

Frangipani that cant be right otherwise herd immunity would not be a thing.

MitziK · 03/10/2019 21:33

I refused point blank to meet DP's grandmother when I had a nasty cough and high temperature a couple of years ago - the family were concerned why I was refusing until I spoke privately to DP and said 'I refuse to be the Person who Killed Grandma'.

I'm sure that Grandma in this case doesn't want to risk being the Person who Killed Baby and will take any precautions Mum feels necessary, up to and including vaccinations, if she wishes to see said baby.

FrangipaniBlue · 03/10/2019 21:46

@ArfArfBarf it depends on the virus and how the vaccines work - it's not blanket.

Not all virus can be "carried" without symptoms - the more severe ones for example measles generally if you catch it you get it to some degree IYSWIM? Hence herd immunity works for those.

As others have said, there are many many strains of flu virus and some you can catch but not get full blown flu, especially if you've had the jab that helps your body fight it off.

That doesn't mean you can't still pass it on if you've come into contact with it.

Herd immunity doesn't work on all and has varying degrees of effectiveness on some vaccine-preventable viruses.

Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely pro vaxx, I just thinking insisting someone has a flu jab before coming into contact with a baby is a tad extreme

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