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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to insist my Mil has a flu jab...

108 replies

Lou573 · 02/10/2019 22:48

...if she wants to sit for hours holding my very prem baby this winter?

Just that really - bringing a 28 weeker home soon, previous experience tells me that my mil would like nothing more than to install herself on my sofa with the baby for hours at a time. Can I tell her she needs the flu jab before she does this or is that unreasonable? To be honest even if it is unreasonable I think I have the right to be a bit unreasonable after the last few months.

For balance my parents get it every year anyway.

OP posts:
trixiebelden77 · 03/10/2019 00:38

I don’t know what everyone who is dismissive about influenza vaccination does for a living but I do know they certainly don’t do my job (paediatric intensive care).

Nobody pretends it is 100% effective. Nobody is encroaching on anybody’s bodily autonomy by asking them to make a choice that directly benefits them as well as others.

Children have died from influenza in our season (I’m OS). Some have survived only because they lived close enough to an ECMO centre to be put on a heart/lung bypass machine.

It is certainly appropriate to ask your MIL to have the influenza vaccination, for her own health as well as others.

poppycity · 03/10/2019 00:59

Absolutely. Friends with preemies were just told to insist everyone has the flu shot before visiting. You are within your rights to keep your baby safe.

BlackCatSleeping · 03/10/2019 01:01

It’s so hard when your baby is preemie. You’re living every day wondering if your baby will live or die today. I’ve been there and it’s soul destroying. Doctors really would strongly recommend anyone coming into close contact with a preemie get the flu jab, so I don’t think you are unreasonable to ask. Hopefully she will be fine about it.

PorridgeLove · 03/10/2019 01:05

YANBU. I insisted too and my babies were term.

bullseye2018 · 03/10/2019 01:10

@SherbetSaucer Are you saying the OP hasn’t got a right to decide how to deal with potential health risks that may affect her premature baby? I think we’re living on vastly different planets...

HiJenny35 · 03/10/2019 01:11

Not really that straight forward. For example our doctors has no injections, they won't be available till the very end of October at the earliest. The chemist will only do people who are having the most common vaccination, they can't do children or anyone 65 or over (they need a different injection). With children they are being given the nasal spray, with this you have to be very careful, it's a live virus and therefore people can catch flu from it (all be it a milder form) we have been told that we must stay away from our friend who is going through chemo for two weeks as the virus is live and my children could pass it to her. Also the vaccine also only covers certain strands not all types of flu virus. Now we will still have it and I'll make sure we avoid those in danger groups around the time the nasle spray is booked and I'd explain to mil about why it's so important and dangerous but just be aware that children who have had the nose spray are also a danger and other friends (are you going to ask every person who sees baby?)

TheSandgroper · 03/10/2019 01:17

If you really want to get up her nose/protect your baby, you might insist on whooping cough, chicken pox and MMR. They can be done now and get fluvax when available.

LilQueenie · 03/10/2019 01:39

yabu. are you going to stay inside for months on end to avoid the many bugs and virus you will encounter outdoors?

Tojigornot · 03/10/2019 01:43

Well, you can’t force her. But gentle persuasion should be ok. Does she have a reason for declining it?

Some people still seem to think that it can cause flu - it doesn’t (not a live vaccine for that age group), but it is given at a time of year when there are a lot of respiratory viruses doing the rounds so coincidental infection with one of those is common. It’s true that efficacy is variable year by year, so there is no guarantee that she won’t get flu, but it does always reduce the risk. And it may help to point out that asymptotic infection with flu is actually quite common, and those people can, and do, transmit it - so relying on waiting for symptoms to show and then staying away from the baby doesn’t really work.

And, mainly, it’s really in her own interests for her own health to have it.

I’m currently being a protective of my left arm because I had mine yesterday Smile

Tojigornot · 03/10/2019 01:45

Asymptomatic, not asymptotic. Weird autocorrect going on there.

MollysMummy2010 · 03/10/2019 01:45

I had ‘proper’ flu last Christmas and thought I was going to die. I had the flu shot when my mum had chemo years ago as did not want to infect her. I can’t imagine what flu would do to a baby so no I don’t think you wrong although there are so many types of flu.

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/10/2019 01:49

Not unreasonable to ask, but obviously not something you can force.

I ask those close to me to have the jab (with my Drs recommendation to do so) because the flu is entirely likely to kill me now (I have about 16% heart function, being blunt, I am on borrowed time here!) and also ask if they have even a hint of a sniffle they stay away.

All you can really do is be clear with people what the risks are, and that you aren't prepared to take risks with your childs health and life, so they need to abide by your rules or stay away.

PenelopeFlintstone · 03/10/2019 01:54

An aside - Do grandparents in the UK get the whooping cough jab for new babies?

Whyisshedoingit · 03/10/2019 02:25

@Broken11Girl What?!?!?! You'd be insulted by the mother of a premature baby following advice by medical professionals to ask all people who hold the baby take 2 secs to use some hand gel?! It's not about "insulting" you, it's about precautionary measures Hmm

SnowsInWater · 03/10/2019 04:24

When my lovely DIL procreates I will have whatever jabs/follow whatever conditions she stipulates even if I think she is batshit as she will be a new mum with a baby she wants to protect so why wouldn't I keep her happy 😊

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 03/10/2019 04:25

Not BU in the slightest. Even something very mild in an adult could be disastrous in a baby, especially a premature one. My friends baby ended up in ED and had to have spinal taps and all sorts of horrible things done after she caught a virus.

Prior to having each of my babies I have sent out a message to anyone who might want to visit explaining that if they want to cuddle baby before her first injections, they need to be up to date with all vaccinations and boosters (esp flu and whooping cough) and to avoid visiting when sick. Obviously we can't force them to get vaccinated but we most definitely can keep our baby away from them.

You are your babies advocate and protector. Do what is best for your baby, not for grown adults who should understand the danger.

SwanNecking · 03/10/2019 04:27

YABU, how are you going to protect your baby from everyone they come into contact with?

Pandamodium · 03/10/2019 04:34

YANBU I had a 28 wheeler with CLD you got the jab (which i offered to pay for if said person wasn't eligible) or you didn't get past my front door. HV was turned away for refusing to sanitise her hands entering the house.

Flu could of killed him I wasn't risking that for any body. We had community nurses out every other day all of whom reassured me I was doing the right thing.

LoreleiRock · 03/10/2019 04:35

Oh bloody hell. I am a healthy adult who has never ever seen the need to get the flu jab, and I would get one like a shot (hehehe) for my grandchild! OP YADNBU

Ce7913 · 03/10/2019 04:37

Of course she either gets vaccinated, or she doesn't see or hold your vulnerable child.

How is this even a question? MIL's wish for baby cuddles is in no way more important than your child's health.

Ce7913 · 03/10/2019 04:40

Also, the only reason she should be holding your infant at all, much less for hours, is if it is actually helpful to you.

Your infant has no object permanence and neither needs nor benefits from being held by anyone but you at this stage (and the father, secondarily).

Original poster
Lou573 · 03/10/2019 04:43

To clarify a few points:

Baby was 28 weeks, is now approaching term so thinking about bringing her home.

Re: not holding her except feeding - We’ve been encouraged to cuddle her throughout to be honest expect when she was very small or poorly, and now she’s almost term it’s certainly not been limited, she loves to sleep on us and we’re attempting to establish breastfeeding.

She’s not my first, I have a preschooler who will be having the nasal flu vaccine as soon as it’s available (am on a priority list) and before baby comes home.

I am fully aware that I cannot protect her against everything around, particularly with a preschooler sibling, but that’s not a reason to not minimise the risks I am able to. Getting flu jabs seems like an easy win.

I won’t let mil monopolise my baby (have learned from last time!) but would probably appreciate an extra pair of hands at times due to aforementioned preschooler!

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 03/10/2019 05:28

Just set up strict visiting rules for anyone coming to visit and wanting to see the baby.

Make a poster with the rules and post it up where you think it would be best and ideally have a small cupboard or table that contains masks and hand sanitizer. Put the amount of time to be spent with the baby on the poster too.

In the loo, a smaller sign reminding people to wash hands with hot soapy water after using the toilet. Put paper towels in there for drying.

You'll be all set up and everyone will understand the rules and less likely for anyone to be offended if everyone has to follow the rules.

Good hand washing stops the spread of a lot of things.

JenniR29 · 03/10/2019 05:56

You are not being unreasonable at all. People do not take flu seriously enough, it can kill healthy adults let alone those who are vulnerable such as your baby.

Blueoasis · 03/10/2019 06:03

I would probably do as someone else said and just be strict on hygiene.

I'm not anti vaccine either at all, I get furious at parents who don't vaccine against mmr, meningitis etc. But I've had the flu jab twice and both times I caught flu several times. Last year I was sick literally every month, sometimes twice a month. I'm not bothering anymore as I get flu regardless. It just doesn't work, but it's a difficult vaccine to make to be fair. It's like trying to make a cold vaccine, you've got little chance of being right.