To pressure my DS to date.

[EASUYA]

My DS (29) doesn’t ever date, and I’m worried that he never will. He has had girlfriends in the distant past, but hasn’t had a girlfriend or dated for over 8 years now, shows no interest in women (nor men I should say).
He is otherwise doing well: good job, his own house, nice friends; but I want him to be happy and would like more DGCs eventually (two by his DS, my DD). Shouldn’t he really be dating, he is almost 30.
I bring it up sometimes and only ever get evasive responses, ‘I don’t know’; ‘who’s got time for that’ etc. and I worry, if I keep asking he will distance himself.
AIBU to pressure my DS to date.

But surely anyone worried about being ‘chronically single’ or ‘on the shelf’ would actively be dating, or trying to, anyway? Why would they need encouragement from someone else?

People do things later these days, haven't you noticed? I know plenty of 30 year old men who think they'd like a family at some distant point in the future but are definitely not ready to settle down now. They're too busy enjoying themselves.

@StillCoughingandLaughing I think after a couple of bad relationships, one in particular where he lost half his friends in the breakup, he's just nervous.
I worry that he's talking himself out of wanting a relationship, he brings up things like divorce rates and child custody.

Whilst I should've perhaps said 'encourage' not 'pressure', I am still shook that a place which values relationships and children has responded so negatively for me wanting the same for my DS.

@EASUYA fully agree with you there

Whilst I should've perhaps said 'encourage' not 'pressure', I am still shook that a place which values relationships and children has responded so negatively for me wanting the same for my DS.

But it’s possible to value relationships and parenthood as concepts without thinking people who have shown zero interest in either should be ‘encouraged’ to do so.

If he's happy then just leave it

I think more and more people will decide to stay single.

He's probably got a secret partner but doesn't want you putting pressure on him to get married and provide you with grandchildren.

People aren't taking it well because you're coming across like the interfering mother who will one day become someone's MIL. Fundamentally you want him to be happy. I feel the same way about my sister who is almost 30 and still single, but I don't say anything to her because it's not my place.

Your son doesn't feel like you're listening to his concerns so he's sticking to them and his worries are getting bigger and bigger. Instead of being overly-positive about dating, why not try running with his concerns. For example, he's worried about the divorce rate. You could ask him what his thoughts are about why the divorce rate is that high and see what he thinks about it. He's worried about shared custody. Point out the common thread with these sort of issues: Fear of failure.

Don't give him any more advice, he's had plenty of that and it won't help him get his confidence back. Dating is about finding someone you can spend forever with, and I'm sure you'd hate for him to rush into something with someone he doesn't stay with. He has all the time in the world to settle down with someone. No one ever found the love of their life because their mother pushed them into it.

No one ever found the love of their life because their mother pushed them into it.
So true.

You can't interfere with his love life (or lack of one), OP, but unlike some PP's, I can see why

No one ever found the love of their life because their mother pushed them into it.
So true.

You can't interfere with his love life (or lack of one), OP, but unlike some PP's, I can see why

No one ever found the love of their life because their mother pushed them into it.
So true.

You can't interfere with his love life (or lack of one), OP, but unlike some PP's, I can see why

Not sure why I got kicked off my post nor why it's posted three times...

Anyway, I do sort of see why a parent might wonder if their adult child doesn't go out with ANYONE during their 20's - assuming they're not having a series of ONS. It's peak time for getting out there!

Only your DS can decide when he's ready, though, you pressuring him isn't going to change things.

Yabvu

Leave him alone, absolutely not your business.

Leave him alone, he's fine as he is. Not everyone wants to be in a relationship.

Just because someone has a relationship and children doesn't mean that they think everyone else must have that too. It's very narrow minded to believe that everyone wants the same things in life. There are plenty of childfree people on MN. People don't tell them that they should be having children, it would be rude!

I am still shook that a place which values relationships and children has responded so negatively for me wanting the same for my DS.

MN acknowledges that there are many ways to have relationships and fulfilled lives, not just the ‘traditional’ marriage and children.
My mum put pressure on me for different reasons as an adult in order for me to conform to her idea of ‘normal’. All it did was create distance between us.

I hate the assumption he will 1. Want children 2. His partner will want children 3. They’ll be able to conceive.

He doesn’t exist to give you grandchildren. Yikes. He is more than a sperm factory.

New flash - he might not WANT a partner. Many don’t. Just because he isn’t dancing to your tune doesn’t mean he needs any help or interference. In this day and age if he wanted to date he would - loads of opportunity.

PLEASE don’t view your children as baby making machines. It’s just ewww

Just to clarify my concern is far less about having more grandchildren, although it would be nice, and more about his happiness.

What makes you think he isn’t happy? Because everything you’ve written so far makes it sound like it’s more about your happiness and getting him to a place in his life that you deem to be acceptable.

Perhaps he is dating but keeps it secret from you because he can’t be bothered to deal with the pressure it sounds like he’d receive from you. Perhaps he’s gay and feels like he can’t tell you. Or, and here’s a shocker, perhaps he’s perfectly happy with his life just as it is? Ever considered that one, OP?

I am still shook that a place which values relationships and children has responded so negatively for me wanting the same for my DS.

But it’s entirely possible to value relationships and children as good for those who want them, but not necessarily good for everyone.

The 20,s are a funny time some people get coupled up very early some don't ,I was single for much of my 20,s other than some flings, brief relationships ,my parents didn't know about most ,I did date but most of the dates either didn't go anywhere or turned into a fling met dh when I was 31 and he was 29 ironically .

I feel the same way about my sister who is almost 30 and still single

OMG almost THIRTY?!?! What will she do?!?!

Your son doesn't feel like you're listening to his concerns so he's sticking to them and his worries are getting bigger and bigger. Instead of being overly-positive about dating, why not try running with his concerns. For example, he's worried about the divorce rate. You could ask him what his thoughts are about why the divorce rate is that high and see what he thinks about it. He's worried about shared custody. Point out the common thread with these sort of issues: Fear of failure.

Or just keep your neb out. That works too.

Even if he does date he may not want to have children or his partner may not want children.

Whilst I should've perhaps said 'encourage' not 'pressure', I am still shook that a place which values relationships and children has responded so negatively for me wanting the same for my DS.

"Encouraging" is just pressuring under a different name.
I have never seen anyone on mn advocate that the only way to be happy is in a relationship.
There are countless single people on mn and the same goes for people who don't have kids and don't want them.

One person's happiness is not the same as another's.
You said your ds2 has a good job, friends and a good life. Maybe for now that's what matters to him. Doesn't matter what you want him to do it's his life not yours. Stop going on about what he doesn't do and tell him you are proud of him and his achievements and the way he lives his life right now.

He has his whole life ahead of him rushing into a relationship just for the sake of it is all kinds of wrong.

My brother's 30, he's got no interest in settling down. He said he doesn't want to have children. But he's very happy. He has lots of friends, a good job, travels as much as he can. He lives a busy and fulfilling life. None of us are worried about him or want him to produce new family members for our benefit. We're just happy he's happy.