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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pressure my DS to date.

125 replies

EASUYA · 02/10/2019 20:59

My DS (29) doesn’t ever date, and I’m worried that he never will. He has had girlfriends in the distant past, but hasn’t had a girlfriend or dated for over 8 years now, shows no interest in women (nor men I should say).
He is otherwise doing well: good job, his own house, nice friends; but I want him to be happy and would like more DGCs eventually (two by his DS, my DD). Shouldn’t he really be dating, he is almost 30.
I bring it up sometimes and only ever get evasive responses, ‘I don’t know’; ‘who’s got time for that’ etc. and I worry, if I keep asking he will distance himself.
AIBU to pressure my DS to date.

OP posts:
InThisMultiverse · 02/10/2019 23:02

It sounds as though he might well be happy right now with his job, home and friends. To pressurise your adult son to date, presumably a woman in order to bear your grandchildren, will give him the message loud and clear that his success in life is not quite good enough for you and somewhat invalid because you have deemed there to be something missing. I think you might be at risk of losing a healthy relationship with him if you try to force him to adopt a different lifestyle to meet your own needs. I feel sorry for anyone with an ego-centric condescending parent.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 02/10/2019 23:12

@BanginChoons what about once they marry and have kids? do you call dibs on every Christmas? their DPs will want to go home for Christmas too so it will likely only be every other Christmas if it is far away

StillCoughingandLaughing · 02/10/2019 23:14

RedApple - you seem weirdly over-invested in trying to convince a stranger she should be coupled up at all costs.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 02/10/2019 23:23

@StillCoughingandLaughing I am just saying it can get lonely and it should not be the child's responsibility to make sure mummy is always happy, never sad, and never lonely. If they made plans for once kids move out and friends have their own familes then great for them. It's just a lot of people don't think 5 years ahead never mind 15-30 years down the road

StillCoughingandLaughing · 02/10/2019 23:28

@StillCoughingandLaughing I am just saying it can get lonely and it should not be the child's responsibility to make sure mummy is always happy, never sad, and never lonely.

So on that basis it would be wrong for a mother to pressure her child into giving her grandchildren.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 02/10/2019 23:29

I guess the consensus on here is people will be ok being on their own once children have their own life and DM or DF are no longer priority and all friends will have their own family to prioritize so have nothing to add. Will just wish all a good night

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 02/10/2019 23:30

@StillCoughingandLaughing and yes pressuring for a grandchild is wrong. Being worried about a lack of partner is not

SunshineAngel · 02/10/2019 23:31

Some people don't plan their life around being with someone, and there's a lot to be said for that. I wish I could be happy single.

My brother is 23 and has never had a girlfriend, nor does he show any interest (and we talk a lot, I know he would tell me if he did). He's happy, popular, active, busy..

Just leave it, it's totally his business, and his alone!

foxtrottinngg · 02/10/2019 23:33

I guess the consensus on here is people will be ok being on their own once children have their own life and DM or DF are no longer priority and all friends will have their own family to prioritize so have nothing to add. Will just wish all a good night
well people can be happy single yes what a frankly strange post
@StillCoughingandLaughing and yes pressuring for a grandchild is wrong. Being worried about a lack of partner is not
there is nothing wrong with being single id much rather my son daughter friend parent was single than in an unhappy relationship

IamWaggingBrenda · 03/10/2019 04:27

He’s a grown man - leave him alone. Do you really think he needs his mother to tell him what to do, at his age? If he wants to date, he will. It’s really none of your business. Cut the apron strings.

LoreleiRock · 03/10/2019 04:43

maybe he’s gay don’t gay people date fabbydabbydick? 🙄

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 03/10/2019 05:08

It’s not everyone’s life ambition to settle down and have children

Witchinaditch · 03/10/2019 06:06

He sounds happy, don’t push your standards of happiness onto him. Not everyone needs a relationship to be happy. Also he may be dating and not telling you.

WispyTurnip · 03/10/2019 06:14

Yes, it’s legally necessary to date, and unless he can show receipts for a minimum number of official couple meals, he faces a fine of up to £5000. Or, you know, not.

Back off, OP.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 03/10/2019 06:18

The older I get the more grateful I am my parents are not like this.

TemporaryPermanent · 03/10/2019 06:23

Lol I'm sure my mother thinks I don't date.

I do, it's just that going to the movies and making babies aren't the focus if what I do with my dates.

Enjoy his company. Isn't he enough for you?

user1480880826 · 03/10/2019 06:25

For god sake leave him alone! His love life is absolutely none of your business. You also have no right to his reproductive organs. Stop putting pressure on him and making him feel guilty for not churning out grandchildren for you.

user1471582494 · 03/10/2019 06:29

Pressure him and hassle him? That's a recipe for resentment and him never telling you anything about his life.
You would be massively unreasonable

chopc · 03/10/2019 06:41

You know all the threads we have about being lonely, left on the shelf etc. I wonder if any of those people wishes someone had taken an interest in them being chronically single and tried to encourage them or even help them along eg parents have friends of friends who may have daughters etc

PixieDustt · 03/10/2019 06:46

If he seems happy in himself why pressure him?
The reasons you have listed is only to benefit yourself which is pretty selfish. He might not want kids.. he doesn't owe you grandchildren Confused

WispyTurnip · 03/10/2019 06:49

Yes, because his mother trying to find him a girlfriend before he gets ‘left on the shelf’ in his 20s is such a good look, @chopc.

chopc · 03/10/2019 08:25

@WispyTurnip that is in fact how my husband and I met in our mid 20's. Neither were looking for a relationship but thought we were free that weekend and why don't we go on a date ...........

Shame to limit options because you worry about how it will look

MrsTishellsNeckBrace · 03/10/2019 08:53

Good grief, leave him to lead his life as he wishes.

fabbydabbydick · 03/10/2019 10:24

don’t gay people date fabbydabbydick?

Of course they do. But a) OP seemed to be very focused on her son "meeting a girl", and b) it is one reason why someone might not want to be actively dating - that they are struggling somewhat with their sexuality.

The point is basically that he might have any number of reasons for not dating that are not the OP's business.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 03/10/2019 16:23

You know all the threads we have about being lonely, left on the shelf etc. I wonder if any of those people wishes someone had taken an interest in them being chronically single and tried to encourage them or even help them along eg parents have friends of friends who may have daughters etc

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