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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pressure my DS to date.

125 replies

EASUYA · 02/10/2019 20:59

My DS (29) doesn’t ever date, and I’m worried that he never will. He has had girlfriends in the distant past, but hasn’t had a girlfriend or dated for over 8 years now, shows no interest in women (nor men I should say).
He is otherwise doing well: good job, his own house, nice friends; but I want him to be happy and would like more DGCs eventually (two by his DS, my DD). Shouldn’t he really be dating, he is almost 30.
I bring it up sometimes and only ever get evasive responses, ‘I don’t know’; ‘who’s got time for that’ etc. and I worry, if I keep asking he will distance himself.
AIBU to pressure my DS to date.

OP posts:
PicaK · 02/10/2019 21:22

What does you wanting gc have to do with anything?

LaurieMarlow · 02/10/2019 21:23

Leave him alone. It’s not his mission in life to provide you with ‘more grandchildren’.

You sound like a bit of a nightmare.

SallyLovesCheese · 02/10/2019 21:23

You may want more grandchildren but do your children not get any say? I had my first child aged 38. I'd have been heartbroken if I thought my mum was thinking she just wanted more grandchildren. It took a long time for me and DH to be ready, then even longer to conceive and then conceive again after a miscarriage.

Leave your son alone. Maybe he's happy as he is, maybe he's not. You shouldn't pressure him either way, how horrible. Sad

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 02/10/2019 21:24

Leave him alone. He has his own place, so very likely he has dates or whatever that you just don't know about. Also, focus on the DGC you do have otherwise they'll be grown up and you'll have missed it while you worried about whether DS will have any kids.

In the kindest possible way, get a grip. It's his life so let him live it.

SallyLovesCheese · 02/10/2019 21:25

Oh, and "otherwise doing well"?! Wtf?! So life isn't complete until you have a partner and kids? There's more to life than that.

European12345 · 02/10/2019 21:25

You know he can be happy without a partner don’t you?
And he might even not want to have children of his own

So you’d better search for other ways of your own happiness and let your son has his

dodgeballchamp · 02/10/2019 21:25

Echoing everyone else - none of your business. It’s perfectly possible to be happy single and childfree. He might be dating secretly, he might be gay, asexual, polyamorous... it really is nothing to do with you

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 21:26

Welcome to Mumsnet, OP. Flowers

Original poster
EASUYA · 02/10/2019 21:29

'@' everyone focusing on the 'DGC' part, too many to respond directly. Just to clarify my concern is far less about having more grandchildren, although it would be nice, and more about his happiness.

It's not like his apathy came out of nowhere. He tried dating again back when his previous relationships ended, but had no luck. Then over time he just seems to have given up and become very jaded about the whole thing.

I'm just trying to get him to try again.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 02/10/2019 21:31

Just to clarify my concern is far less about having more grandchildren, although it would be nice, and more about his happiness.

Well it’s clearly still on your mind.

Dating doesn’t necessarily make ppl happy.

BobTheDuvet · 02/10/2019 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fabbydabbydick · 02/10/2019 21:43

Times, in the history of the world, that people's mothers' intrusive nagging has made them happier: 0.

And like hell this isn't about you want. Your mention of more GC was right up there.
If you think he's unhappy, you could do something actually helpful like: ask him if he's happy, and what might make him happier? Offer to pay for counselling, spend time with him doing things you both enjoy, show that you respect his autonomy and ability to lead his own life? That might make him a lot happier than a shag.

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 21:46

@EASUYA

Maybe he’s happy without any of that sexing business?

This is the electronic age. One can more than get by.

hazell42 · 02/10/2019 21:48

My son is the same age and it has been about the same time since he had a girlfriend.
However I have never brought it up. He is an adult and I have no jurisdiction over his life.
Leave him alone. I'm sure he is well aware, and doesnt need his mum on his case

Aprillygirl · 02/10/2019 21:48

Some people are happy with their own company and don't need a partner to feel complete. As long as he's got friends I wouldn't worry, and I certainly would not be putting pressure on him to meet someone and give me grandkids Hmm

foxtrottinngg · 02/10/2019 21:49

everyone focusing on the 'DGC' part, too many to respond directly. Just to clarify my concern is far less about having more grandchildren, although it would be nice, and more about his happiness.
ehh you can be happy without children and it is about what you want having grandchildren but that is not your decision and hes also probably dating but hasnt met anyone that he wants you to know about

Petrichor11 · 02/10/2019 21:52

YABVU

He’s a grown adult who can make his own choices! I’m certain that he’s aware of the social pressure to find love, he doesn’t need you adding to it.

Leave him alone ffs

EmpressLesbianInChair · 02/10/2019 21:56

Some people are happy with their own company and don't need a partner to feel complete

Exactly.

SallyWD · 02/10/2019 21:57

Maybe he doesn't want children? You're lucky to already have grandchildren. I know plenty of older people who don't have any.

LordEmsworth · 02/10/2019 21:57

Shouldn’t he really be dating

No. There is no legal, moral or social requirement to go out with a series of people when you don't enjoy doing it, don't feel good enough for it, don't meet people you like enough to do it, or just don't want to.

Myriade · 02/10/2019 21:59

From someone who didn’t always get in well with ‘dating’.
Leave him alone.
This is his choice, his decision. If this was really THAT important for him, he would do something about it.
Plus he might well be happy single, have some ONS/FWB you dint know about etc...
And if there is something going on and he feels uncomfortable about it, pushing him to date will just make things worse (and yes as you said yes urself , you’ll end up pushing him away)
The best thing yu can do is to support him in being happy, whatever way that means for him

CAG12 · 02/10/2019 22:00

@EASUYA do you think, considering he did date, and now doesnt, he may have issues going on that he doesnt want you to know about? Maybe they're very intimate problems and doesnt want to talk to his mum about it. Maybe he's gay and doesnt want to talk to you about it yet?

Leave him be

Neapolitanicecream · 02/10/2019 22:01

We all worry about our kids happiness and finding someone special to share the journey with. I think there is an issue with confidence in some young men and they can just give up so I get you OP. Joining a gym and clubs is still a popular way to meet people if OLD is not easy.

foxtrottinngg · 02/10/2019 22:03

We all worry about our kids happiness and finding someone special to share the journey with. I think there is an issue with confidence in some young men and they can just give up so I get you OP. Joining a gym and clubs is still a popular way to meet people if OLD is not easy.
you can be happy and single and unhappy and in a relationship and its likely his dating and not telling mum

incognito76 · 02/10/2019 22:07

You sound like the interfering mother from hell. Who are you to decide what will and won't make him happy?

He is a grown man. He can be happily single if he wants. He may have no interest in romance or sex for all you know - some people are asexual. Leave him alone and for Christ's sake, stop expecting him to spawn grandkids for you. He's not a bloody stud pony.

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