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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To pressure my DS to date.

125 replies

EASUYA · 02/10/2019 20:59

My DS (29) doesn’t ever date, and I’m worried that he never will. He has had girlfriends in the distant past, but hasn’t had a girlfriend or dated for over 8 years now, shows no interest in women (nor men I should say).
He is otherwise doing well: good job, his own house, nice friends; but I want him to be happy and would like more DGCs eventually (two by his DS, my DD). Shouldn’t he really be dating, he is almost 30.
I bring it up sometimes and only ever get evasive responses, ‘I don’t know’; ‘who’s got time for that’ etc. and I worry, if I keep asking he will distance himself.
AIBU to pressure my DS to date.

OP posts:

Prisonbreak · 02/10/2019 22:09

I’m 2 years older than your son and I will be providing a grand total of 0 grandchildren for my mum, because I don’t have to and I don’t want to. My mum fully supports my decision as it’s my life, my body, my choice. Children would make me miserably unhappy, perhaps the same could be said for your son. One thing is for sure though, you need to back off.

whatisthismess · 02/10/2019 22:16

If he was unhappy being single then he would date. He's obviously happy. Leave him be.

NerrSnerr · 02/10/2019 22:18

I'm just trying to get him to try again.

Leave him alone. If he wanted your advice he'd have asked for it.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 02/10/2019 22:20

I think OP is getting a hard time here. She just wants to make sure DS is happy and will have a happy life. Most parents worry about their DC ending up alone etc. I know DM keeps on telling me how relieved she is knowing I was a late bloomer.

EmpressLesbianInChair · 02/10/2019 22:22

Most parents worry about their DC ending up alone etc.

But the OP also needs to trust that her adult son knows what’s best for himself. Sometimes ‘ending up alone’ is the best possible option. If he doesn’t feel that & he wants a partner, it’s up to him to look for one.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/10/2019 22:23

And why do you think somebody needs a relationship to be happy?

I'm single, albeit I have a DS. I will probably remain single forever, I prefer it to being in a relationship.

Mind your own business.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 02/10/2019 22:24

If he’s underconfident for whatever reason his mum banging on about it it’s only going to make it worse. This is one of those things where you have to keep it inside your own head and not mention it.

Willow2017 · 02/10/2019 22:25

but I want him to be happy and would like more DGCs eventually (two by his DS, my DD). Shouldn’t he really be dating, he is almost 30.

Sounds more like you want him yo.be your idea of 'happy not his.
You are not entitled to grandkids it's not your decision.
He must dread seeing you if you keep pressuring him.like this. One of these days he will snap.and tell you to fottfsof and mind your own business..

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 02/10/2019 22:27

@Waxonwaxoff0 from my own mother's experience it can get very lonely. I try as best as I can but I also have my own live as will your DS. She misses being able to have a companion to travel and go on holiday with. Christmas might also become tricky once DS has his own family and many other holidays. You might feel ok now but it does not always remain this way

user1473878824 · 02/10/2019 22:30

Well it would be such a shame for someone to miss out on having you as a mother in law.

CordeliaGoode · 02/10/2019 22:32

Leave him alone ffs

SuntanC · 02/10/2019 22:33

Oh dear OP... you sound a wee bit like my mum when I was that age. It's taken a long time, but she (hopefully) now realises I'm much happier without a man and I never wanted children anyway. Your son might be more than happy being single- many of us are!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/10/2019 22:36

redapple I'm not your mother though. She sounds unhappily single, I am not. I'm an only child and I left home at 17 to live alone. I know what being alone is and I'm fine with it. I don't like people in my space.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 02/10/2019 22:39

@Waxonwaxoff0 I am just saying while you have DS's company right now he will move out one day and have his own life.

JustanAunt · 02/10/2019 22:43

Speaking As an asexual please leave your son alone, he might be asexual, he might not. Either way you cannot do anything in this situation other than annoy and frustrate him

peardrops1 · 02/10/2019 22:45

He doesn't owe you grandchildren. So weird.

holidays987 · 02/10/2019 22:45

He could very well just not be telling you about his dating life. He might be worried you'd be interfering and annoying...

I'm the same age as your son (married with kids) and I think he's still young and will date and eventually meet someone when he wants to and when he's ready. So find something else to concern yourself with.

Surenuff · 02/10/2019 22:46

I'm just trying to get him to try again

I can't see any way you can get involved without causing him terrible embarrassment and hurt and damaging your relationship.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 02/10/2019 22:47

He has his own house, he's an adult, it's highly likely that he is dating or has a girlfriend/boyfriend.

Or that he just isn’t interested. I am also an adult with my own house - but I don’t have relationships and have no intention of doing so.

OP - you need to stop thinking about what you want and start thinking about what your son wants (or indeed doesn’t want). You might think you’re concerned for him, but it’s all about what YOU think he should be doing; how YOU worry about him being on his own; how YOU want more grandchildren. What does HE want?

I’m sure you think you’re acting out of concern for him. But you need to think about this from another angle. Is he actually unhappy, or is it just that he’s not doing what you think should make him happy?

fromthefloorboardsup · 02/10/2019 22:47

Please leave him alone it's none of your business and being pressured to date is awful. He will if he wants to.

BanginChoons · 02/10/2019 22:55

I love being on my own too and will never have another relationship. Not everyone who is alone is lonely. I look forward to travelling alone when my kids are older. I can't imagine my lot not coming home for Christmas but if they don't I'll work it so someone else doesn't have to 💁‍♀️

Batqueen · 02/10/2019 22:56

I was single for years before meeting my dp. I always got this kind of pressure from my mum and hated it so you could bet if I ever did go on any dates she would be the last person I told! It took a while before I told her about dp because I knew if we broke up I would get over it more easily than her You need to leave him alone.

titchy · 02/10/2019 22:56

Maybe he goes to BDSM clubs every night and doesn't want to give the lifestyle up?

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 02/10/2019 22:58

I'm 24, at uni, got a few really great postgrad job opportunities great friends but all my mother can focus on is me not dating. She was married at 18 so thinks my lack of dating life is ridiculous and a failure on my part and her part for not instilling that as a major priority in my life.

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 22:59

Maybe he goes to BDSM clubs every night and doesn't want to give the lifestyle up?

No talking about the Rubbermen of London in front of his mother, please. ✝️

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