To stop sharing at work

[Etino]

Rather complicated life, not unusually so, but events with family, house, family illnesses, working overseas DH etc. mean that my home life is very busy and different from my single, no dependents manager. Some of it is quite interesting and when asked I’ll talk about spending the weekend moving dcs, hosting randoms, or for eg. a ridiculously early start or doing ‘home duties’ through the night.
Recently I asked to trial a working arrangement which would have saved me a lot of money. I proposed trialling this arrangement on a day when no clients were in and there was back up if the arrangement was troublesome. I was told a flat no.
Today a have a scheduled 1:1 with my manager and I know he’ll want to know how I solved the problem. I manifestly did because I’m continuing with my working hours and duties.
AIBU to not discuss it?
I feel discussing home stuff when he isn’t prepared to accommodate or support me just means I’m oversharing to no end.
Any tips on how to refuse to discuss it?
(The situation was analogous to asking to trial Skyping a client rather than meeting face to face to let me visit a sick relative beforehand- it wouldn’t have meant wfh, and I proposed setting the Skype up beforehand on a day when it if it didn’t work I could get to the client in time)

Sorry I’m not really getting how the two things are related?
If you’re uncomfortable about over sharing I think it’s fine to not go into much detail about your home life. Just give the bare minimum answer and stay professional talking about work related things only.

Not any point opening your personal life to someone who can't or won't help. Maybe ask him before you open up if he is prepared to accommodate any changes whatsoever. Otherwise the info you give may be stored and used against you if he feels your work is slipping.
I'd give Very bare minimum of info myself

Thank you. Any tips of how to answer his question? ‘Sorted no thanks to you‘, rather than, ‘sorted because I’m spending £££/ my dd is seeing her and getting into her work later/ my dh is wfh’ which is how we’ve solved the problem.

What’s the 1:1 about?
Just be breezy and say ‘I sorted it but it wasn’t easy’. I mean this gently - is it possible you’re oversharing at work anyway?

When it comes to it your boss is going to be most interested in work. If you don't want to revisit the negotiation then you just say, yes I am going there for a face to face. Don't be sarky.

If you want to review it for another go another time then just chew it over with him/her in the 1-1

The 1:1 is scheduled. I work for an organisation which prides itself on a ‘holistic whole person work life balance’ approach. We have to assess ourselves monthly on how we feel we are at work, in the team, in our role, healthwise. I’m definitely an oversharer, the work is emotionally draining and I’m excellent at holding appropriate boundaries with clients; at interview I was asked about support networks and my preparedness to engage in clinical supervision etc.
And I’ll definitely use the, ‘I’ve sorted it but it wasn’t easy’ line.

YANBU re not discussing it but did your manager state why they said no? It could be because they honestly think that face to face will be better for the client then Skype, or the clients may have said that face to face is why your company has their business?
But no, you shouldn’t have to discuss how you sorted it. Just a terse ‘yes, I sorted it’ should hopefully shut them down. If they carry on just tell them that you don’t wish to discuss, and push the conversation on to the next topic. If they insist then point out that the whole point of you trying to make alternative arrangements was to save time and discussing how you sorted it despite not being able to save time is not helpful when time is already of an essence (but then again I’m a moody cow when I have had jobs with little support from work but have been expected to take one for the team regularly - but then I’ve had some really crappy managers over the years that have openly taken the piss so maybe not the best person to take advice from!)

why is it costing you £££ rather than a face to face meeting.

Work and personal life should always remain separate.

"While I am very disappointed that my request could not be accommodated, especially given the emphasis we have here on work life balance, I have found a solution which, while not convenient, will suffice for now"

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend
It’s costing me because I’m having to pay someone else to go and check on relative as I’m using that time to travel to client rather than Skyping or inviting them to us (it’s not exactly the same situation, but the point was I wanted to trial the new arrangement on a day when if it didn’t work I had free back up.
And work/ personal life isn’t separate here. It’s embedded in the community any culture.

Thank you all of you, it’s given me some useful strategies.

I thought you said you wanted to trial on a day no clients were in, but then go onto say it was to Skype instead of meeting a client?
Have a misunderstood?
I can understand a business saying no to that.

^community any should read company.

I’ve found that when home life gets overwhelming I can explain it away at work by saying “Families/kids/parents/‘“ accompanied by a sigh and an eye roll.

I thought you said you wanted to trial on a day no clients were in, but then go onto say it was to Skype instead of meeting a client?

We both were then hence my confusion around the £££ comment.

Have you looked into personal care options for the I’ll person? Home help, etc...

*ill

I ubderland you're trying not to give too much detail on here but why did the relative visit have to be that precise time

@SandraOhshair what I wanted to trial wasn’t the exact same situation as it’s identifying. The point is that there was a day last week when I could have trialled this arrangement with a free back up rather than have to pay for belt and braces all eventuality support. No clients (who are service users, we’re providing a service at no cost to them) would have been affected.

What Bloggersblog said with knobs on!

It sounds to me like your manager is violating the spirit of the wellbeing code at your work - might be worth having a chat with HR.

I have no patience for bosses who won't be flexible at work. It's neanderthal. Presenteeism doesn't help anyone.

I might be coming at this somewhat literally, but you are contracted to work x-y hours at z destination. Those are the terms and conditions of your employment contract, if you cant meet those terms and conditions then you aren't fulfilling your part of the bargain as an employee I'm all for flexibility, where appropriate, but it begs the question why you took on a job where the core hours and work place are not fitted to your lifestyle.

I have a manager who facilitates this, I am the ONLY person in the office all week out of a team of 7, because someone has to answer the phone I have 4 colleagues on condensed hours, which actually doesn't suit the business and it leaves the one or two in work that day to pick up the other 4 peoples work loads (one on ML and one reduced to a 4 day week). People largely take the P because they know their hours are not policed in any way. Come to think of it, in endeavouring to meet everyone's needs she's just a poor manager

That's my experience.

OK I get it.
I think given you know they're not open to supporting you in this sort of way you do need to draw back at work and give the bare minimum

verticality we don't know that's the case. We only know that the op thought it would work and the manager disagreed. We don't actually know who was right. As a pp said there could be issues the op is unaware of

Actually it’s not so much that it’s identifying it more that you might well think, ‘well that wouldn’t work!’ As my boss did!
The point was if it hadn’t worked there was free back up that day, no clients would have been affected, I could have made up the time and saved a lot of money.

This really has been useful. Thank you!

Many work places will agree to adaptations but you need to give something of a reason, not too many details but enough for your boss to realise you aren't asking just because you can't be bothered to travel. You can also point out the cost saving to the company re no travel costs. The only thing to say is will the client (even if they agree) be annoyed it's not face to face?

Please tell us what it was!