To stop sharing at work

[Etino]

Rather complicated life, not unusually so, but events with family, house, family illnesses, working overseas DH etc. mean that my home life is very busy and different from my single, no dependents manager. Some of it is quite interesting and when asked I’ll talk about spending the weekend moving dcs, hosting randoms, or for eg. a ridiculously early start or doing ‘home duties’ through the night.
Recently I asked to trial a working arrangement which would have saved me a lot of money. I proposed trialling this arrangement on a day when no clients were in and there was back up if the arrangement was troublesome. I was told a flat no.
Today a have a scheduled 1:1 with my manager and I know he’ll want to know how I solved the problem. I manifestly did because I’m continuing with my working hours and duties.
AIBU to not discuss it?
I feel discussing home stuff when he isn’t prepared to accommodate or support me just means I’m oversharing to no end.
Any tips on how to refuse to discuss it?
(The situation was analogous to asking to trial Skyping a client rather than meeting face to face to let me visit a sick relative beforehand- it wouldn’t have meant wfh, and I proposed setting the Skype up beforehand on a day when it if it didn’t work I could get to the client in time)

Might be better to say, "We're managing it, by paying out a lot of money." Shrug and move onto the next topic.

Because just saying, " We sorted it" may sound to your manager that you've found a satisfactory solution, and reinforce him in his belief that he was right to say no and that you were a simply being cheeky fucker turning to the company to be part of the solution.

Whereas in reality the solution isn't satisfactory and you're still under pressure from his refusal. But at the same time you're willing to put the company first.

Wait, do you mean you anticipate his asking about the relative out of faux concern, so he can tell himself he's a cool boss?

You've no obligation to assuage his guilt. And don't tell him it was all sorted. It wasn't "sorted". You had to go to go to needless expense and worry. That's not sorted.

If he starts with the "Aw, how's your relative" just give a terse "Thanks for your concern" and shift the conversation to work.

"With great difficulty, yes"

"It's not relevant to my work whether it's sorted or not, can we discuss topic 1 of the agenda"

@Sockypuppet
“Wait, do you mean you anticipate his asking about the relative out of faux concern, so he can tell himself he's a cool boss?”
Literally the first thing he said this morning.

Off to my 1:1 now. I will definitely be asked, along with my sleep, work and family life and will ‘answer, sorted at great expense’
Thanks all!

Wow, he has a nerve.

"It's not relevant to my work whether it's sorted or not, can we discuss topic 1 of the agenda"

For those who prefer the less nuclear option, I think OP’s most recent suggestion is better.

I don't understand this OP. You're talking as though your colleagues should be grateful that you chatter about your life. Helping someone move is a passing comment, not an interesting anecdote. Most people have children, parents, other family or friends, you are not unique in that. If your colleagues aren't sharing things they get up to them I would guess it's more likely that you're boring them with your lengthy chatter about home. Sorry, but you want the truth and that's it. Asking about someone's sick relative also isn't necessarily faux concern just because he didn't think your plan to work via Skype was practical. If he asks if you sorted the issue just say "yes thanks" because you did.

If you want more flexibility then talk to HR to come up with a strategy for how to agree that with your manager.

I'd say 'all sorted thanks, thankfully my husband's work is flexible and let him do something similar to the solution I was proposing, which all worked fine'

Thanks all!
1:1 over and he did press me on what I'd sorted even after I said 'sorted at great expense' so I said 'eugh, don't want to talk about it, it's just moaning if 'name of workplace' can't help with the solution'.

@MRex, you don't understand my role or the culture of the workplace. Within half an hour of the day starting I knew about one colleague's big family incident (really lifechanging) another's redundancy (from another role) someone finishing off their Masters as well as the usual late nights, family stuff. That was in a pre meeting check in, keeping to my resolve to share less I talked about some recent training I'd been away on.

You've all got a bit confused between work and a social group. One person sharing a piece of big personal news is fine, maybe required if it risks distracting them, but everyone chattering about each small event from their lives is timewasting. If you're a charity then the focus should be on the people that charity is intended to help rather than yourselves. You might even find it relaxing to take a break from thinking about yourself to think just about your work.

I still don't get why anyone at work should give a fig about what it's cost you financially to make arrangements in your personal life?

@grumiosmum if they're a good manager, they will, because morale is important and unhappy staff will leave. Recruitment and training is expensive. It's much cheaper to be flexible now and again, and keep an experienced worker.

Is it really relevant they ask you how you’re sleeping? Unless it’s an integral part of the job what are they going to do? I would find this so intrusive.... I would answer yeh I woke myself up farting all night and give a shrug- what are they going to do for you?
Seriously though if they record all this and they don’t actually need to know as part of your role it’s asking too much under DPA (data minimisation).

@grumiosmum because I’d requested to trial a reasonable adjustment when there’s backup from home.

Tell him the truth that it took you a lot of time, effort, and money to fix the problem and his being inflexible when you needed it has made you more unwilling to be flexible when he needs it. It’s a 1:1 and so you should be in a position to be honest.

If it’s a reasonable adjustment, you have a disability, I assume. Therefore, is this request related to your disability?

It all sounds very dramatic. They can’t make you discuss anything.

What a huge amount of time is wasted in this workplace rabbiting about personal issues. I think there needs to be an office-wide memo to the effect that "How are you?" is a greeting, not a question to be answered... at length.

To those of you questioning the amount of non work chat that goes on- not participating is not an option. It’s stressful client facing work dealing with incredibly vulnerable people. Saying ‘fine’ after a session with a client would be challenged. We’re client facing 4 days a week and one day in the office catching up on paperwork and training, supervision etc. The how are you sleeping, what are you bringing in with you today talk gets done when clients aren’t around. In the past a worker disengaged from the support and got into a borderline de registration/ being struck off situation which would have been picked up earlier if he’d been open in these 1:1 supportive chats.
Anyhoo, home now. The situation isn’t resolved but I’ve got through another day. Thank you.

Sorry, but that was the context I expected and you've still got a bit silly with what you're sharing. The point of those discussions are to talk about any major emotional vulnerability that might make you struggle more dealing with the clients, bringing it to the surface so that you're aware it might impact on your responses. "I helped my DC move house" / "I went on a training course" / "I had to pay £100 for someone to visit an unwell relative" are not relevant. The point of sharing is to make yourself aware of your own reactions; if you have an emotional problem (including anger) then you shouldn't hold back on explaining that because you're annoyed with a manager. The details of what solutions you found though are irrelevant and uninteresting to anybody else.

I am listening @MRex
What I said about training was as part of morning’s check in. I said ‘the training was excellent and I’m looking forward to delivering the programme to the clients.’
Is that irrelevant? Genuine question as the status quo isn’t working.

Agree with MRex here ^^.

You need to talk with the manager at the next 1:1 about your feelings wrt being denied the flexibility by him despite HR being open to it.

But you need to talk to HR first so that you are fully aware of any valid reasons the manager might not want to ok this (including 'If you get to skype then I'll have to let everyone do it and finding someone to provide backup for anyone who wants to skype will become a job in and of itself').

What you said about the training wasn't very informative.

It sounds a little like corporate speak.

Maybe next time you do training compose a memo for the manager about it giving a brief evaluation of its strong points and weaknesses, and what group of clients the content might be most relevant to.

No prospect of changing to another manager, I suppose? If this one isn't really respecting the ethos of the workplace to your detriment?