To stop sharing at work

[Etino]

Rather complicated life, not unusually so, but events with family, house, family illnesses, working overseas DH etc. mean that my home life is very busy and different from my single, no dependents manager. Some of it is quite interesting and when asked I’ll talk about spending the weekend moving dcs, hosting randoms, or for eg. a ridiculously early start or doing ‘home duties’ through the night.
Recently I asked to trial a working arrangement which would have saved me a lot of money. I proposed trialling this arrangement on a day when no clients were in and there was back up if the arrangement was troublesome. I was told a flat no.
Today a have a scheduled 1:1 with my manager and I know he’ll want to know how I solved the problem. I manifestly did because I’m continuing with my working hours and duties.
AIBU to not discuss it?
I feel discussing home stuff when he isn’t prepared to accommodate or support me just means I’m oversharing to no end.
Any tips on how to refuse to discuss it?
(The situation was analogous to asking to trial Skyping a client rather than meeting face to face to let me visit a sick relative beforehand- it wouldn’t have meant wfh, and I proposed setting the Skype up beforehand on a day when it if it didn’t work I could get to the client in time)

Thank you everyone. Just to reiterate, it wasn’t about Skyping or a sick relative. I do think as a team we’ve becoming rather incontinent in sharing, leading to a false sense of supportiveness so when I was met with a flat ‘no’ I was hurt.

Ironically I was asked by HR to support a request to management today for exactly the same adjustment to be made for all. 🙄

Who aren't you pleased by that? Surely it solves your problem?

*Why not who

Isn't it a legal requirement for employers to give you flexibility with working arrangements if you are a carer? If anyone else knows about this maybe they can post here. Compared to you I think I have it easy in my workplace place, I work in a Council office and I have flexible working hours and can work from home when there are no meetings.

You really should tell your manager and explain why you wanted to change the working arrangements with out going into too much detail. Explain that childcare is expensive, your partner is away and kids are hard work, also tell him/her that if you want your staff to be more productive you need to give them a bit of flexibility!

I get it Etino. I had a boss who would assign ridiculous amounts of work but give you a puppy-eyed head-tilt if she saw you staying late.

Thank you all. The ‘it’s a bit like Skyping clients so I could check on a relative’ situation was that I have a bandaged and beconed dog. She’s old and sleeps all day long, but last week needed someone on hand to ensure she didn’t get the cone off. She’s settled happily now, but there was a day last week when DH was WFH and I could have taken her to work (which on that day was a drop in advice centre) offsite and had an hour before any clients were in to see if she would be as unobtrusive as I hoped. It was probably a bad idea, but as we’d have known in time for her to be collected, (we spend the first hour setting up, checking emails making coffee putting signs up etc.) I wanted to trial it as I’d been paying a neighbours dd to sit with her for £10/hr!
The request to management I was invited to join was to be allowed to bring dogs in generally- half the team would strongly hate that and the other half envisaged a basket of magical puppies, so no, @MRex, I won’t be joining in
This thread has been very useful though. Because of the ‘emotionally checking in’ culture of the workplace I’ve been guilty of a ‘say what you are feeling at that moment see’ mentality- if it doesn’t mean I solve my own problems and appear weak or distracted at work, what’s the point!
Thank you all.

You wanted to bring a dog into your workplace, and now your HR wants to allow all dogs in? To a place were you have clients coming in and out? What about allergies? What would happen if, God forbid, a dog attacked someone? Or even nipped at them?
That's an insane idea.

Assistance dogs are allowed but that's totally different; it wouldn't cause as much of an issue for allergy sufferers to have one well trained assistance dog under a desk. And assistance dogs won't attack. But to just have dogs all over the office? Absolutely not. Your HR team sound nuts.

I work for an organisation which prides itself on a ‘holistic whole person work life balance’ approach

Perhaps I'm cynical - but many companies say this - few actually mean it or do anything to really help. It sounds good but goes no further. So don't overshare because it won't help your case.

@BlueJava it’s genuine, in the past people have wfh to supervise builders etc, very generous with sick and maternity leave, toil etc.
But I’ve realised that talking about what’s going on outwith work is oversharing if it doesn’t impact my work or if work doesn’t take my home life into account.

Some shared office workplaces allow dogs, I've worked in several. It isn't suitable for all dogs, the commute can be an issue and their owner needs to make sure they're comfortable with all the people around. It's not very strange at all. Non-contact dog allergies are rare, it's cat allergies that are more common. The risk assessments have to all be completed BEFORE any dog comes in though, so given the HR policy hadn't been completed until the following week that's probably why your dog would not have been allowed in. If you'd asked politely for reasons then you might have got the explanation from your manager or HR.

All this angst over £10 when you talked about great expense, I hope your boiler doesn't break or you're really in for a shock. £10/hour for a child to watch a dog is a bit silly, you should have found a different teenager who'd be happy to do it for £5/hr while they watch movies or play on their phones. Or sign up to "borrow my doggy" and someone might help for free. It's strange your DH can't look after a dog while WFH though, does he have a functional problem?

Impressive agreeing with the concept but still having a go at me @Mrex are you usually so contrarian or do you know and hate me in real life?
Paying out 10/hr for a working day is of course a lot of money! We’ve established I’m not a city lawyer.

DH is very capable of looking after her. The point was as he was wfh that day and isn’t usually it was a back up if it went wrong.

What @katherineJaneway said.

I find it at most mildly amusing that you are so determined to make drama out of the minutiae of life. "Hate me" is another example of that. There are many ways in which this didn't need to cause you any stress at all, yet you chose to make it a big deal. I've described for you how you could have managed the situation differently, but I guess you enjoy "drama".

Thank you all. There was some useful stuff about work/ home and oversharing and I’ve taken it on board.
The ‘hate me’ comment was of course in jest, I was just a little frustrated that at MRrex’s suggestion that taking dogs to work was normal and acceptable except for me.
What was the not spending £60/ day solution btw? You mention there were many ways I could have avoided the stress.

"The situation was analogous to asking to trial Skyping a client rather than meeting face to face to let me visit a sick relative beforehand- it wouldn’t have meant wfh, and I proposed setting the Skype up beforehand on a day when it if it didn’t work I could get to the client in time"

So, in reality it wasn't anything like the above situation Of course a scenario similar to a sick relative would get you more YANBUs than wanting to bring you dog with you to work because they were wearing a cone - oh, and your work is a drop in advice centre where you see clients.

I think you knew this otherwise you would have been open from the start.

I also don't quite understand why your DH WFH meant you had to take the dog with you? Surely it would be easier with him at home?

my home life is very busy and different from my single, no dependents manager. Some of it is quite interesting and when asked I’ll talk about spending the weekend moving dcs, hosting randoms, or for eg. a ridiculously early start or doing ‘home duties’ through the night.

Are you really sure stories of your children are that interesting to anyone else? I would stop sharing anyway-it’s sounds all rather odd.

I’m not surprised your boss didn’t want you to bring your dog into work though.

And surely the whole issue you posted about - of how to respond to your boss, would be along the lines of "did you sort the dog out?"
"Yes I did".

If your conversations involve planning all possible responses within this conversation, I would have thought the problem is overthinking as well as oversharing (I mean this in a lighthearted way )

You've acknowledged you're an oversharer and I would stop doing it. I don't think it's necessary and I don't think it's very professional. You say you have excellent boundaries with service users, I would apply this to your colleagues/managers.

This "We have to assess ourselves monthly on how we feel we are at work, in the team, in our role, healthwise" is probably helpful and your bosses genuinely are interested in your responses. Hosting randoms and early starts at the weekend, not so much.

"I also don't quite understand why your DH WFH meant you had to take the dog with you? Surely it would be easier with him at home?" He rarely works at home. Normally I pay someone to supervise the dog. If it hadn't worked (putting sleeping dog out of sight at work) he could have collected her.

I get it probably was a silly idea and I also get that I've been lulled into an oversharing false sense of security. Thank you .

Ah, I see what you mean about your DH being able to collect her.

I feel bad now after your latest post saying it was probably silly FWIW, if it had been a cat with a cone, you should definitely have been allowed to take it into work Actually, nowadays cats can wear little babygro type things to cover stitches, so they don't need a cone - do they do them for dogs too?

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles, thank you 🤗
It’s just all a bit crappy atm- the cost, her being uncomfortable and now me feeling like a silly over sharer at work.

Agree with some pp that a lot of workplaces aren't actually sincere when they go on about work life balance and valuing the whole person etc. Often they assume that paying lip service to these things is enough and no one will ever actually ask for any adjustments. Your manager may be of this mindset.

That said, I'm still confused about how your DH was wfh that day but you wanted to still trial this whole thing for the future. Surely your dog wearing a cone is a temporary thing?

My suggestions were:
£10/hour for a child to watch a dog is a bit silly, you should have found a different teenager who'd be happy to do it for £5/hr while they watch movies or play on their phones. Or sign up to "borrow my doggy" and someone might help for free.

Cone is on for a month.
Borrow my doggy is in someone’s house or walking and she needs to be at home, not dressed, no walks.
You suggested £5/hr in the working day- absolutely not feasible locally. Of course I’m sure I can and will find a cheaper solution- it wasn't an elective planned operation, with an obvious post operative need for a months supervision. That’s what I came up with when faced with a dog who couldn’t be left 2/3 days post op and I had work the next day.

Anyway, it’s all a bit crappy and overwhelming at the moment. I have taken on board the advice about work life boundaries. Thank you.

OP - I was about to make a hoity toity YABU comment but on reflection just want to say I hope your dog gets better and that you are able to reduce some of the more superfluous sharing

Ok, it's totally up to you what you pay a dog sitter, but going above minimum wage for someone to do little-to-nothing is paying in excess.

You can find pet sitters here for example: www.bark.com, or .www.tailster.com/?s=ppcwalk&gclid=CjwKCAjw29vsBRAuEiwA9s-0B2kINBBGNBjn-iCa8irC6gPKjzoJAT1dhY4S-7YS3NW5r0pk8tUu2hoCZZ8QAvD_BwE. Google says average dog walking rate is £5/hr, so that gives you a ballpark, search Google using the bake of your local ares to get more options. There are likely to be lots of other informal options if you talk to neighbours e.g. University students / retired people / SAHM.