To stop sharing at work

[Etino]

Rather complicated life, not unusually so, but events with family, house, family illnesses, working overseas DH etc. mean that my home life is very busy and different from my single, no dependents manager. Some of it is quite interesting and when asked I’ll talk about spending the weekend moving dcs, hosting randoms, or for eg. a ridiculously early start or doing ‘home duties’ through the night.
Recently I asked to trial a working arrangement which would have saved me a lot of money. I proposed trialling this arrangement on a day when no clients were in and there was back up if the arrangement was troublesome. I was told a flat no.
Today a have a scheduled 1:1 with my manager and I know he’ll want to know how I solved the problem. I manifestly did because I’m continuing with my working hours and duties.
AIBU to not discuss it?
I feel discussing home stuff when he isn’t prepared to accommodate or support me just means I’m oversharing to no end.
Any tips on how to refuse to discuss it?
(The situation was analogous to asking to trial Skyping a client rather than meeting face to face to let me visit a sick relative beforehand- it wouldn’t have meant wfh, and I proposed setting the Skype up beforehand on a day when it if it didn’t work I could get to the client in time)

If your ill relative needs so much care, they could well be entitled to attendance allowance, which would help with your costs - assuming they are not already getting it.
I would never overshare with management, there is no need for them to know the ins and outs of your personal life, and I found (I am retired) that co-workers who gave you the low down on every aspect of their lives often talked to much and could be really boring. Might be just me, but I always liked to retain a bit of mystery!

Monthly assessments on how you feel in the team etc 🙄 I couldn’t be doing with that !
sounds like recruitment talk but when you actually ask for a slight change, with an answer as to how it can be dealt with they don’t reciprocate.

Ask why they said no, if there is not a good reason I would ask for a team change or find another job

These types of companies usually just take without giving back

Your boss should only be interested in your work and how effectively you do it. You asked for some changes...he did not grant those changes.

I think you don't have to tell him what solution you came up with. It's nothing to do with him.

Just say "I managed things adequately thank you"

So, if I understand your post.

You have a busy and complicated home life and commitments which you talk about at work.

You suggested some different work arrangements which would make things easier for you. Work turned you down.

You think you will be obliged to talk about what solution you have found to your commitments. I don't see why, as long as whatever arrangement you've put in place means that there is no impact on your work. Surely a brief "thank you, I've found an alternative" will suffice? it's not different to sorting childcare - I wouldn't expect an employer to expect an employee to explain what childcare they had in place - just that they had "something" that covered working hours!

A useful answer to potentially intrusive questions from a manager or other person in a position of responsibility at work is

' Yes, thank you for asking, I sorted it so that there would be no impact on my work'

For work, use whatever word they will respond to, different places this might be performance or results or work life balance or whatever buzz word they will recognise as important.

It might be an idea to keep your updates on your life at a much less detailed level in future, except to people you really trust.

I can’t really understand enough here op to see if your boss is unreasonable or not, sorry. What I would say is that, sometimes I come across people at work who want the job, but not all that it entails, so if you want your job to flex around your family ALL the time I think you are BU but if it’s occasionally then maybe not. What you say in your original OP is no different than many people - I have elderly relatives, kids in uni , kids at home , a dog, DP works away, house maintenance etc etc but I have to fit it in around my FT job. I don’t ask my boss to allow me flexible time a lot, sometimes yes but it’s got to suit the business. Sorry if that sounds unfair, but we only have your ‘side’.

If I wasn't completely reliant on this company then I would say something. "I am disappointed that this company only pays lip service to saying it wants employees to have a healthy work/life balance. There was a risk free opportunity to try something that would offer temporary help to my work/life balance but the opportunity was not taken. I would like it on the record that you denied it but I accept it and will now move on professionally from this."
If personal questions are asked "I am dealing with this thankyou" And stop the oversharing. If they don't pick up on that and probe further "I don't really want to get into that now, its my personal affairs and I don't want to bring them into the workplace anymore"

Would saying you have sorted it our be a lie?
If so when asked I'd say, "No not really, but hey ho, theres only 24 hours in a day" and then move onto another subject.
If things are that stressed, something has to give. They are paying you x for x hours and that won't change, so you need to make arrangments, for other things to be covered. Rfuse a few parties, or get someone else to pck up and drop off kids to the party. Get a clleaner etc. You aren't the be all and end all, and when you collapse, it will all come down around you. If you need to, take a few days off sick (mental health days we call them) and take some time to relax.

Your personal life is just that, and shouldn't impact on your working life.

Because your circumstances are different from others, that's your issue to solve, not anyone else's. Even if it costs you money.

If I had to pay for extra child care because I couldn't leave work early, say, I wouldn't share that info with my employer. I'd just suck it up as part of being professional.

Be very careful about appearing to have divided 'loyalties' or divided 'commitments'. Some managers are inclined to view mothers in the workplace as liabilities or employees who will let them down and don't need much encouragement for their minds to wander in this direction.

Some companies have a culture in which total and complete commitment of a 24/7 nature from employees in terms of emotional and psychological engagement with work is seen as necessary.

In light of this:
The 1:1 is scheduled. I work for an organisation which prides itself on a ‘holistic whole person work life balance’ approach. We have to assess ourselves monthly on how we feel we are at work, in the team, in our role, healthwise.
...please do not use the "I've sorted it but it wasn't easy" line.

Your organisation is one that holds its employees in suspicion. The built-in, regular reflections on how things are going are not meant as an opportunity for someone like you to share details of your family life, your ups and downs, your challenges.

What you are supposed to do in these sessions, what they expect from you, is reiterations of your loyalty to the company and your dogged determination never to let your actual life interfere with your commitment to its bottom line or to deliver to clients what the company expects.

I fear you have misinterpreted the function of these little sessions and believe them to be safe spaces to share - they are not. They are set up to monitor your engagement with the company, with your role, and your level of willingness to prioritise your work above everything else.

I urge you to please watch your back, because a tendency to appear as if you are finding it hard to cope with all the demands on your time and energy will be used against you.

I would say 'Sorted of course' in response to any question about dealing with what family life throws at you, and look bemused at the question.

If you want to sell your idea for a slightly different way of working (and I guess it's something to do with travel to clients?) can you find other areas of the business that your idea would be useful for? And find articles on linked in or industry publications about some of the benefits of your way? If you've got something more concrete to back it up rather than it would be easier for you and enable a better work life balance for you personally I think the manager would be more likely to go for it, as they can then justify it to their managers iyswim. Make it as a benefit to the company overall and not a favour to you as it were.

Is there a way this 1 to 1 could open a dialogue about future arrangements?

So you start with "I sorted it, but it wasn't easy. It cost me quite a lot in terms of finances and favours, but I did achieve what you wanted instead of calling out for the day.

"You know what I have on my plate at the moment, so I won't go into it again.

"But this is the kind of life event that crops up for everyone, every now and again. Are you willing to trial something new to support me - or other colleagues who might be in this situation? If you have any thoughts on how we as a team can be more flexible and resilient, I'd welcome them. It's National Inclusion Week, and I think it's a conversation worth having."

OP, you sound as if you feel you should be entitled to different treatment in the workplace because of your complicated personal life.

I'm afraid that's not how it works.

I PMed stealth because I recognised her and got some helpful feedback.
It’s a charity, no bottom line and the 1:1 holistic support is genuinely offered, although my manager is less on board than management. Interestingly HR heard about my plan and wanted me to do it. Maybe it’s my manager out of synch, not me!

'Monthly assessments on how you feel in the team etc 🙄 I couldn’t be doing with that !
sounds like recruitment talk'

Sounds more like monthly supervisions for someone working in a family support type role or a therapeutic service, in which case I would be worried if their demanding personal life meant they wanted to Skype service users rather than provide the 1-1 service the charity should be using its funding for.

It’s not up to your workplace to save you money in your personal life. You’re contracted to do a job and you’re being paid to do that job. They don’t need to change how they do things to suit one employee who wants to visit a relative. The logistics of sorting out your family are your problem. If it had worked, maybe they would let you try it but it obviously wasn’t suited to the business or it simply isn’t how they want their business to be performed. For instance, if you’re providing a service to clients and the company value face to face, then no matter how practical or manageable it is to use Skype, they are right to say no. They don’t want their business conducted over video chat. I’m sure whatever the actually scenario is has a similar thinking to it.

If you don’t want to talk about home life then don’t talk about it. But these two things aren’t linked. Sharing details about your home life doesn’t entitle you to special treatment.

Yes, thank you for asking, I sorted it so that there would be no impact on my work'

Perfect, I was going to say be bland, say the minimum and be non committal, with no hint of a smile or any friendliness about it.
The monthly review about how you feel at work sound like hell to me. Why do they want to know so much detail ? I’d be worried anything I said would be used against me in future with it being so formal. In this context I’d be massively dialling back on everything I shared, and going with a stock answer of ‘yes fine thanks’

No clients (who are service users, we’re providing a service at no cost to them) would have been affected.

Why does the cost to a service user have any relevance? Someone is paying for the service, or you wouldn't have a job.

"Service user" is often a term applied in social care and people support services. So I'd have to say that the context here may be important, and you aren't sharing the context. If, in the view of management, a service is best delivered on a personal level (and SKYPE is not really "personal") then there is no point trialling something that they will never agree to roll out anyway. I can think of many services where, when it comes to relating with people, physical presence is a part of the way the service needs to be delivered.

I like some version of the approach by @PhilipJennings.

The fact is, every employee has life issues, no matter what stage of life they are at. If an employer can help employees ride these out and be flexible to their stage of life, you end up with loyal people rather than over stretch unhappy people. Some employers genuinely want to be those companies and it sounds like yours might be OP.

Join a trade union and you will be assigned a rep who will be able to advise you on how to approach this and who will attend meetings with your manager to advocate on your behalf. You will also have access to free legal advice and representation should you ever need it as well as good discounts on certain things. www.tuc.org.uk/join-union

Saying 'sorted- no thanks to you' wouldn't be the best way to speak to someone at work, at least not someone senior, IMO. No point in getting people's backs up.

One of the previous posters had a good idea to say something like 'I sorted it but it wasn't easy' maybe- that's if you feel you have to say even that much.

Your personal life is just that, and shouldn't impact on your working life.

I really hope you're not a people manager, and that goes for about 30% of the people on this thread.

The idea that your personal life doesn't impact your working life is nonsensical. Utterly nonsensical. It is all life, it can't be compartmentalised that cleanly and in the days when it allegedly could, far few women worked outside the home which meant men had back up for absolutely everything.

OP, I agreed that the response is "Sorted, thanks" but I also think a quiet word with HR about the fact that your manager clearly isn't on board is the way forward.

Some of it is quite interesting and when asked I’ll talk about spending the weekend moving dcs, hosting randoms, or for eg. a ridiculously early start or doing ‘home duties’ through the night.

This really doesn't sound that interesting to me - surely nearly everyone on MN has these sorts of issues! Are you, perhaps, guilty of thinking you're a bit special and unique? Maybe other employees are inwardly (or outwardly) groaning that you want accommodations for things that are standard bumps in the road for most people.

I would reply that the situation is under control but you would welcome a chance to trial your suggestions should he wish to reconsider at any point.

Interesting that hr were keen but he is still refusing.

Where travel is involved it is also worth considering the environmental impact.

I think you may have been over sharing anyway. What you describe doesn’t sound particularly gripping to me.

PP’s suggestion of

Yes, thank you for asking, I sorted it so that there would be no impact on my work

sounds good to me.