Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if dd is turning into a mean girl??

113 replies

SevenOhFour · 01/10/2019 17:55

dd9 has been best friends with 'Sarah' since they were 5 or 6. there has only been the two of them playing together at playtimes and they see each other out of school a lot. in the past 2 years 'jess' has become good friends with my dd, however Sarah and jess don't get on very well, very different personalities whereas my dd is somewhere in the middle.

Sarah I think feels upset that her friendship is now shared with jess and jess has a tendency to try to leave Sarah out. dd has tried to be the peacemaker for a while but in the past 6 months or so she has become a lot closer to jess.

a few weeks ago Sarah's mum text me to say Sarah had come home very upset because the others had been leaving her out at school, I spoke to dd and told her this was unacceptable and under no circumstances should she leave her out, they've been friends a long time.

today sarahs mum text again saying Sarah was crying and saying my dd and jess have been having private playtimes, telling Sarah they wanted it to be just the two of them for a while.

I asked dd about this and she said that Sarah doesn't speak at all to jess, and barely speaks to my dd when jess is there. she agrees to play a game but when they start playing, Sarah just sits there looking miserable or says its boring. when dd asks her what she wants to play, Sarah says she doesn't know or isn't bothered.

I don't know what to do. on the one hand I do not want dd being the mean girl and leaving her friend out, but on the other it seems she has been the peace maker between the two for so long and Sarah is only ever cheerful when its just her and dd. whenever jess is there she moans, is miserable and complains about everything.

my dd is no angel I am not naïve, but it feels like the friendship has grown apart and where dd is closer to jess, sarah doesn't have that with anyone else.

aibu to say she has to suck it up and include sarah even if shes being miserable all the time? its so horrible to be left out, I just don't know what to advise.

what ive suggested so far is that they ask everyone what they want to play, then play, and if sarah is grumpy just get on with playing and if she wants to join in she can. no need to say 'we want to play on our own'

wwyd?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 01/10/2019 17:58

Your daughter shouldn't be dictated to about who she plays with. By either you or Sarah. She's allowed more than one friend and if Sarah can't cope with that, then perhaps their friendship has ran it's course.

Original poster
SevenOhFour · 01/10/2019 18:00

that's what I thought, but how does she go about it? it just seems so mean to say 'we want to have a private play time just the two of us' when sarah doesn't have anyone else to play with. I just want to make sure dd isn't being horrible. I was left out a lot in school I just don't want my dd to be the one doing it to others. but like you say, she should be able to play with who she wants.

OP posts:
dontlikebeards · 01/10/2019 18:02

I would tell your dd to always be kind but you and Sarah's mum cannot choose their friendships. These things change and develop over time, it is not up to you to control.

MrsRufusdog789 · 01/10/2019 18:03

It's a classic case that as far as Sarah is concerned two is company and three is a crowd.
I'm a little surprised that Sarah's mother has felt it necessary to raise it with you to be honest as it sounds like Sarah is not being exactly truthful . Your daughter is trying her best from the sound of it and I think it's best that the girls sort it out themselves. You've done your bit if Sarah's Mum asks. You can't make them into the three Musketeers if Sarah wants a twosome. Sounds a little unhealthy and obsessive. Your daughter does not sound mean to me , just truthful and wanting to do the best by her friend.

Original poster
SevenOhFour · 01/10/2019 18:04

ok. so if shes having private playtimes and leaving sarah out, I just stay out of it? dd has told me she isn't mean about it and just says they just want to play by themselves for a bit.

I just feel sorry for sarah as my dd is her only really really good friend, whereas my dd now has an equally/better friend and would also find others to play with if sarah and jess weren't available.

OP posts:
LittleDancers · 01/10/2019 18:05

It's a tough one. If Sarah has been a loyal and good friend, it's hardly surprising she's upset by a new girl coming along who seems to have "stolen" her best friend.

I would encourage your DD not to drop Sarah (who knows if Jess will find a new best friend and leave your DD out in the cold in the future?) but I would also chat with Sarah's mum and tell her your DD would like to play with Jess too but Sarah and Jess don't get on so how can you all best handle this? It could be Sarah's mum helps Sarah build up another friendship with a different girl. Or that you still have Sarah on her own for playdates at weekend.

incognito76 · 01/10/2019 18:05

This is all entirely normal for kids that age and I think that provided you explain to her to be polite and make sure she isn’t bullying, you just have to let them get on with it. As the PP said, ultimately she shouldn’t be forced to play with anyone out of sheer obligation. Friendships change and evolve and at this age they swap and change constantly.

Original poster
SevenOhFour · 01/10/2019 18:06

thankyou, that makes me feel so much better. from sarahs mum it sounds like my dd has been not very nice at all and I really don't want that. dd has always been so kind and nice to everyone so this has really thrown me, hence me not knowing how to react.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 01/10/2019 18:07

It does seem mean to say that, but that's life. 🤷 Your DD is branching out with another friendship, perfectly common at her age. As long as Jess and your daughter are not purposefully nasty to Sarah, I'd let them hang how they grow. Sarah needs a bit more resilience by the sound of it.

Original poster
SevenOhFour · 01/10/2019 18:08

yes I think perhaps I should suggest sarahs mum encourage her to widen her friendship circle, but not sure how to do so without sounding preachy?

I don't feel as though jess would drop dd, (although who knows) as jess has never really had a close friend before she joined in dd and sarahs friendship group

OP posts:
Deemail · 01/10/2019 18:10

Do the girls actually say they want to play a private game or has this been exaggerated?
If they're saying this it's not very nice but if they're not saying this and Sarah is exaggerating then her mum needs to know.
I'd ask the teacher to observe and step back from the texts.

Original poster
SevenOhFour · 01/10/2019 18:11

wow ok I really thought everyone would say I need to tell dd that her being annoyed by sarahs moodiness is not enough to justify leaving her out and sarah being very upset.

parenting older kids is a whole new ball game isn't it!!

OP posts:
Bucatini · 01/10/2019 18:13

Oh OP this is so tricky! My DD (now age 12) had been in a threesome situation before now and it's not easy.

I think you are right to tell your DD not to say to Sarah that she and Jess want to have a private playtime - I agree with you that is verging on meanness. But she doesn't have to bend over backwards to include Sarah either. Sarah should not stop your DD playing with Jess (but ideally they shouldn't exclude Sarah either).

When Sarah's mother texts you, you could say that you have asked DD not to exclude Sarah, but that Sarah also needs to be inclusive of Jess.

I think a quiet word with the teacher is a good idea too.

GreySheep · 01/10/2019 18:13

I would suggest to my DD that she tells Sarah that if she wants to join in happily and speak to Jess too, she’s welcome to join them. But that if Sarah sulks or won’t join in nicely then she’s not welcome and they’ll go play without her.

It’s about teaching your DD to be kind but in doing so equally not accepting people treating her badly or letting peoples sulks manipulate her.

Sarah needs to learn this. Nobody wants to play with a moody sod and not should they have to.

If Sarah’s mum contacts you again I’d tell her this too and tell her you’re not getting any more involved now.

Original poster
SevenOhFour · 01/10/2019 18:14

@Deemail I have just asked dd...
she said they say they just want a private playtime just her and jess, but apparently say it as nice as possible Hmm

I agree it doesn't sound very nice

OP posts:
Original poster
SevenOhFour · 01/10/2019 18:15

@greysheep that's good advice thank you

OP posts:
TheCanterburyWhales · 01/10/2019 18:18

Growing apart is normal. Unfortunately so is being nasty to the one you've grown apart from.
I wouldn't take at complete face value your daughter's protestations that it's Jess and Sarah not getting on while she is the attempted peacemaker. Sarah is telling her mum your daughter is involved. Your daughter tells you she isn't. if you ask a third party the truth probably lies somewhere between.
Drifting apart naturally- fine
Being nasty and excluding someone who used to be your best friend- not fine.
Jess sounds like the one in all of this who pulls the strings.

ExhaustedGrinch · 01/10/2019 18:19

I would advise DD that should Jess be off sick for a week or go on holiday then perhaps Sarah would have found her own new friends by then and it could well be DD then who is left on her own at lunch times! Very, very difficult to establish who is 'right' or 'wrong' in these situations though.

Original poster
SevenOhFour · 01/10/2019 18:22

@Thecanterburywhales this is what I suspect. I think dd has always been quiet with a bit of a hyper side, sarah is very quiet, and jess is very lively and fun, and brings that side out of dd which I think dd likes.

ive told her as greysheep said above. that she should say she would like to play with her if she can join in and not be moody about it.

although dd has sais she really doesn't get on all that well with sarah any more and is her friend more out of duty/habit than because they get on well :(

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 01/10/2019 18:23

Poor Sarah! I think you making the BFFs from the beginning was always a mistake and they as a twosome would’ve left others out. It’s possible that Jess has split friendship groups before and is now working in your DDs friendship

My DD has a similar situation, was good friends with Bess and along came Alice.

My DD moved on to another friendship after being pushed out and it wasn’t long before Alice dropped Bess and Bess wanted to get back to DD but the damage had been done.

Alice has no friends at high school and Bess is still trying to be friends with DD but all those ‘private playtimes’ yes they used the same words cut deep and they never recovered.

I think Sarah is extremely hurt and your DD is part of that. She either needs to be friends and play or she needs to tell Sarah she no longer wishes to play with her and stop messing her about when it suits your daughter.

Ohyesiam · 01/10/2019 18:24

I don’t like the sound of “ private playtime” it does sound mean and excluding.
She needs to say to Sarah she’s welcome to join, if she is actually prepared to join in. Self exclusion because she only wants a twosome is her prerogative.

Catapillarsruletheworld · 01/10/2019 18:24

Unless your dd is actively being mean, I would try and stay out of it. You can’t force friendships and kids can grow apart as they get older. The fact that ‘sarah’ has no other friends isn’t your dds fault.

I would always just say to your dd that she must never be unkind to ‘sarah’ but if she wants to play with ‘Jess’ at play time then that’s fine.

There will always be arguments between little girls, and parents getting overly involved just makes everything worse.

Original poster
SevenOhFour · 01/10/2019 18:25

@exhaustedgrinch ive said pretty muchthat to my dd, I said wouldn't you be upset if sarah didn't want to play with you if jess wasn't there? she just said no she would just play by herself or find another group to tag along with (although she is being assessed for asd so im not convinced she has the empathy to understand how sarah feels, though I don't want to use that as an excuse as she hasn't actually been diagnosed )

OP posts:
MyForbiddenLover · 01/10/2019 18:26

From my experience, 3-way friendships for girls always have these issues and often it's a case of them all being as bad as each other.

When my DD was in year 5 we had a similar situation. The 'texting mum' ended up falling out with me as she wanted my DD to play exclusively with her DD, and DD wanted to play with another girl too. Like you, I am under no illusions that DD is perfect and totally innocent but it got ridiculous. The daughter of the texting mum then went on to do similar in another friendship and the mum fell out with that girl's mum too.

It's very difficult but all you can do is re-iterate regularly that your DD isn't to be mean to Sarah and is to include her, but that she doesn't have to include her if Sarah is being moody and won't play.

I will add too, and I hate to say this, but it is inevitable that Sarah's mum will fall out with you over this, as it's clear that she sees things as being totally your DD's fault. So you might as well be assertive from the outset and say you've spoken to your DD and now you think it's best to leave the girls to it, otherwise you will spend months trying to appease the other mum and she will still moan and fall out with you.

Original poster
SevenOhFour · 01/10/2019 18:29

I asked dd and she said she doesn't really like sarah much now, shes always moody and sulks when she doesn't get what she wants, but Isnt it mean for her to say to sarah she just doesn't really want to play with her anymore?

OP posts: