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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nephew using my home

105 replies

plumble · 01/10/2019 16:02

AIBU? my nephew (27) stays at my home every 2nd weekend so he can have visitation with his 2 children. he lives over 9 hours drive away. Every time he is here something gets broken or 'lost'. Plant pots, stereo speakers, vases and remote controls etc. Then he never tells me about these things, I have to come home and discover it for myself ( which infuriates me). Now he wants to have not only his 2 children but his new girlfriends 2 children come for the weekends he is here and I have said no. He is upset and I have had his mum call me and ask me to reconsider as he wants the children to meet and have a relationship. I however cannot afford to keep replacing items that get broken, because he is too tired from driving to keep a close eye on what his children get up to. I am scared for my belongings adding more children to this situation. he cannot afford to replace these things and I have quite a few breakable things that are from my mother who passed a few years ago. I have tried putting breakables away in cupboards, but the children go through drawers and cupboards whilst dad is distracted. My home is the closest in the family to his ex partner, so I agreed to the situation. but I now regret it but also know that without this he would only see his children during school holidays. Any advice or suggestions as to what I do next would be appreciated.

OP posts:
twilightcafe · 01/10/2019 16:05

Four children running amok in your home?
No way.
YANBU

Clangus00 · 01/10/2019 16:07

No.
He can book a hotel.
Don’t let his mum pressurise you.

AllFourOfThem · 01/10/2019 16:08

I would say that your nephew can stay but he takes his children to soft play or similar for visitation. No reason why he can’t meet up with his girlfriend’s children there as well. Otherwise, if he isn’t happy with that, I would tell him the arrangement isn’t working and he will have to find an alternative place to stay.

Drum2018 · 01/10/2019 16:09

It is not your responsibility to facilitate his access with his children. He needs to find an alternative solution, be it a cheap hotel or Airbnb. You are right to say no to his ridiculous request and in all honesty he had a cheek asking in the first place. Maybe he needs to reassess his living arrangements and start looking for work and a home closer to his kids.

HelenUrth · 01/10/2019 16:09

That's infuriating and I think it says a lot about his upbringing that his mum is trying to guilt trip you into continuing this arrangement.

In your place I'd say no, this entitled behaviour isnt acceptable. You could try again in about a months time and maybe he'd have learned a lesson- I doubt it though.

As for having the extra people along, what planet is he on! Say it doesn't work for you, dont be drawn into discussion or he/his mum will just try to find his way around it, and dont feel guilty. If he'd respected your property he wouldn't be in this position.

As a matter of interest, how does he respond when you bring up the damage to your things?

XJerseyGirlX · 01/10/2019 16:10

Ridiculous , no way

PanamaPattie · 01/10/2019 16:10

Will his new girlfriend be staying as well or is your nephew looking after the 4 DC on his own?

FuzzyPuffling · 01/10/2019 16:11

If his girlfriend lives near enough to you for her children to stay, why can't he and all the children stay with the girlfriend?

Original poster
plumble · 01/10/2019 16:11

he denies knowledge of it, or mumbles an apology

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 01/10/2019 16:12

No way. He's not respecting your generosity at all. Other parents in his position have to find a way round this and so will he, without taking advantage of you. Don't change your mind.

timshelthechoice · 01/10/2019 16:12

WTAF? Stop being such a doormat. NO. You tell him 'No, you've broken or lost so much of my property you have no respect for my home. If you want your children to have a relationship with your girlfriend's you do it somewhere else on your own money.' His mother can pay for a hotel for them all, she's a CFer expecting you to sub her loser son.

I'd not have him at all anymore since he's not replacing the property.

And I wouldn't be bothered if they fell out, fucking users.

Original poster
plumble · 01/10/2019 16:13

he will be bringing the girlfriends children with him from Scotland, staying at mine for a few days then returning to Scotland

OP posts:
judithandholofernes · 01/10/2019 16:14

You’re a very kind aunt. although he isn’t showing his appreciation I am sure that your nephew will forever remember this gesture.

Please speak to him about the arrangement as it would be such a pity for him to lose out on time with his children. His request to invite others over is not okay. It is your home. You’re already sacrificing so much to let them all stay.

Kids break stuff. As their dad he needs to either supervise them or replace anything that is broken. If you start to bill him for replacements you can be sure he will watch his kids better next time.

You’re doing a lovely thing by sharing your home. Please don’t be taken for granted.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/10/2019 16:16

Oh no i would hate that, someone in my home every second weekend even without the damage, he needs to find a more permanent solution

timshelthechoice · 01/10/2019 16:16

Well, there would be no 'he will' in my house.

And no, you cannot bill him for loss and breakage, LOL, the fuck he'll pay up.

He doesn't appreciate shit, he has no respect for your home at all or your things, doesn't even give a shit, it's foolish to continue to host him at all.

You are not responsible for his relationship with his kids, he is, he's their father.

holidays987 · 01/10/2019 16:18

He's an adult, with two kids, he should be providing accommodation for them. You don't need to host them any longer (let alone the girlfriend's two!). Give him some notice that you're going to have to stop the arrangement and suggest he thinks of a solution to his predicament.

Justmuddlingalong · 01/10/2019 16:18

Tell him that any changes to the current situation will not be happening. And give him notice that the current agreement will be ending on

HotChocWithCream · 01/10/2019 16:18

Not only would I be saying s form “no!” to this but I’d also be telling him that he’s no longer welcome. Your home is your sanctuary.

HotChocWithCream · 01/10/2019 16:18

A firm*

PanamaPattie · 01/10/2019 16:18

In that case, the most sensible answer is no. Four children running around your house causing all sorts of damage is unacceptable. You know he won't supervise them at all times. Nope. It's not your responsibility to facilitate your nephew's family life. Tell him and his Mum that you will not allow him to use your home any more. Let him sort his life out himself - you know - like a grown up.

Jokie · 01/10/2019 16:19

He appears to have little respect for your home or you so I'd say no.

What does your sister say when you tell her about all of the stuff that gets lost/broken?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/10/2019 16:20

he will be bringing the girlfriends children with him from Scotland, staying at mine for a few days then returning to Scotland

Sorry but he's already taking the piss; this is just ridiculous. Why can't his girlfriend look after her own kids?

Totally untenable situation; he needs to sort something else out.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/10/2019 16:20

AirB'n'B

merryhouse · 01/10/2019 16:21

Incidentally, what does his ex think of the suggestion?

yadnbu, btw

Drum2018 · 01/10/2019 16:21

he will be bringing the girlfriends children with him from Scotland, staying at mine for a few days then returning to Scotland

No he won't. He won't be bringing any children anywhere near your home again. I'd use this as the perfect opportunity to end the arrangement altogether. Its really not your issue if he only sees them during holidays. I'm guessing he moved away from his ex and kids, so it's up to him to figure it out, not for you or his mammy to sort or get involved in! If it was the ex who moved then she should be doing more to facilitate easier access - maybe fly the kids down to him once every few weeks instead of a 9 hour drive.